Dear Biggest Loser…
Dear Biggest Loser Production Team,
Please consider Wonderbutt for participation in the next season of your show. He weighs 65 pounds, which is quite disproportionate to his approximately 2.5 feet of length. According to his doctor, he must lose 10 pounds. I know that your website mentions a requirement that applicants must need to lose at least 85 pounds, but I think it would be more fair to use percentages since this criteria clearly discriminates against body types that are vertically challenged.
One of Wonderbutt’s greatest qualities is that he is open to new exercise routines, such as swimming. He has even gotten involved in your Biggest Loser Kinect game. Well, he kept walking in front of the camera while Dimples was trying to play, but he obviously was motivated to participate. Or to trip her. It’s hard to tell what his agenda is sometimes, but doesn’t that usually make for great television?
I understand that your show involves an elimination process. Wonderbutt is actually quite fond of eliminating, which is another reason he is uniquely qualified to be a member of your new Loser team. Please don’t let the fact that he likes to determine where and when the elimination takes place deter you from selecting him. You may want to avoid riding in a car with him if you have recently ticked him off, though.
Given Wonderbutt’s contempt for fashion, your wardrobe budget would be cut by 1/12th if he were to appear on your show. Unless the other members of the cast are careless enough to leave their clothing on the floor. In which case you might need to double the budget. It could go either way.
You will not need to worry about Wonderbutt revealing any secrets from the show or bad-mouthing the trainers. Unless bad-mouthing is a new term for licking them obsessively.
Wonderbutt is used to getting along with diverse housemates. He is non-judgmental of those who are different from him, including snakes and his current roommate, Mrs. Pain In the Butt. He may have a tendency to hurl himself into the other cast members’ genitals, but this is just his way of being affectionate.
In conclusion, I think Wonderbutt would be the perfect candidate for your next crop of twelve Losers. He will blow you away with his dedication to this weight-loss challenge. Or, he might just blow you away. His digestive problems make him great at clearing a room.