I Suppose this is Why I Wasn’t Picked to Be the New Secretary of State

If you ever wonder what I do when I’m not blogging, this is my secret – I am wasting my valuable time arguing with my 10-year-old daughter.

“You need to get a flu shot this year.”

“Why?”

“Because you got the flu last year.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Yes, you did!  I can’t believe you don’t remember that.  You missed school for almost a week.”

She got the flu shot.  Only because I made her father do it, too.  He didn’t remember having the flu last year, either.

One month later:

“I think we can skip the electives fair tomorrow since you already know what you want to take.”

“Awww.  But I want to go.”

“But it’s a waste of time.”

“No it’s not.”

“Fine.”

She got sick that day, and couldn’t go anyway.

“You have your scoliosis screening tomorrow, so don’t forget to wear a halter.”

“No, I don’t.  It was today.” (when she was home sick)

“No.  It says on my calendar it’s tomorrow.”

“No.  I’m positive it was today.”

I find the website for her school’s calendar.

“See. It says it’s tomorrow.”

“Well they told us today.”

She was sick for the scoliosis screening.

It turned out it was the flu.  She missed school the rest of the week.

Thursday night, still sick, she came into the living room at 10:15 p.m., where I was watching The Daily Show with Wonderbutt.  (I mean that I was watching the show with our bulldog, Wonderbutt, not a show called The Daily Show with Wonderbutt, though that might be a good title for a show.  And, I don’t mean that Wonderbutt was actually watching the show.  He was just snoring and passing gas on my lap while I tried to make out the screen through his toxic haze.)

“What’s up?” I ask.

Mumble, mumble, mumble.

“I can’t hear you,” I say.

Mumble, mumble, mumble.

I mute the T.V.

“I still didn’t hear you.  What do you need?”

Mumble, mumble, mumble.

I get up, and approach her.

“What?”

“Oh, never mind!!!!!”  She turns to leave.

“No, what?  What did you want?”

“Cards!”

“Uh, what?”

“Just cards!”

“Um, what kind of cards?”

“Geez, just cards!!!!”

“Like thank you cards?”

“NO!!!”

At this point, I realized that she must be asleep.

“I think you should go back to bed,” I said.

“Fine!!!!!”

She whirled around and ran back to her bed.  I followed her back, and she was curled up and asleep before I even entered her room.

The next day, of course, she remembered nothing about the incident.

“What did I say?” she asked.

“”You said, ‘I need to buy a card that says my mother is always right and I should never argue with her again.'”

“Yeah right!”

I have now calculated that all of the time that I spent on arguing with her about the flu shot and the events of this week adds up to the number of years that she has been alive.  Years that I could have used to invent a time machine that would take me back to the day she was born and told my idealistic self that it is absolutely pointless to ever quarrel with your 10-year-old daughter.

Of course, I probably would have argued with myself about that.

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Posted on February 2, 2013, in Children, Family, Humor, Parenting and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 30 Comments.

  1. I think she meant she wanted get well soon cards and I can empathize with her I even posted about it on my blog titled”No one called”
    Sent from my BlackBerry® device from Digicel

  2. And yet, all of these will one day be warm memories.
    Or at least, ammunition to scare off any boys when she starts dating…

  3. I know the drill, and unfortunatly this phase lasts for years. The trick is to not engage. Tough, but it’s just not worth the stress, haha. But glad to hear that Wonderbutt is still good, healthy and passing gas. I want that dog!

  4. You wait until she’s a teenager – ha!

  5. She sounds like me when I was her age.

  6. favorite post this week! this is fabulous and you are so hilarious. i do all that trivial arguing and wasting time times four. oh, no wait. times five (i forgot hubby). this is why i have no brain. or time to dwell on that. and, also – i would totally watch The Daily Show With Wonderbutt. that’s kinda like your unstated blog tagline.

  7. Pre-teens..hormones. stuff…typical ! Dimples sounds just like my 13 yr old granddaughter…and I think that all over the world theyare all the same….

    oh to turn back the clock!

    I also would watch the Daily Show with Wonderbutt…..proably more entertaining that what is on now, even the gassy bit!

  8. Oh, my God I just had a just a revelation – when I was 10, I was SO your daughter!

  9. Too funny! I feel your pain. I also have a 10-year-old daughter with the same argumentative logic. I say we should be thankful for them, because their nonsense equals more hilarious blog fodder for us to write about… I mean, to cherish. :)

  10. The Daily Show with Wonderbutt – sounds like a winner to me! Minus the toxic haze, mind you. :-)

    • I don’t know. Maybe we could use the toxic haze to our advantage. Every show needs a gimmick. Maybe people would tune in every night to see if the guest can live through a 5 minute interview without succumbing to the gas.

  11. How does ANYBODY “forget” the flu!!?? Ugh!

  12. Ugh. I already spend my whole life arguing with my 3 year old. She knows literally nothing. Why does she always thinks she is right??

  13. Move over Jon Stewart, Wonderbutt is here ;-)

  14. Hee hee I too would love to see the daily show with wounderbutt! I think you have found the way to make your millions! BOL

  15. The Daily Show with Wonderbutt would be a hit! And probably a hoot and a howl too. Cobalt is willing to show up for a guest appearance, make himself nervous, and drool profusely.

    It sounds like Dimples is even more difficult to argue with when she’s sleep walking.

  16. There are days that I think I lost my mind when I chose to be a parent. That’s all I have to say. Anything else will incriminate me.

  17. How about this one?
    “Why are you always yelling at me?”
    “Because you never listen!”
    It’s exhausting, isn’t it?

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