It Turns Out I Had the Right Plot, Just the Wrong James Bond Movie
Well, I’m just not sure exactly how to feel about this latest development in the whole fortune-cookie-threat saga. The day after I posted my very understandably paranoid post, I received this e-mail,
“My guess is:
The real test in life is not
keeping out of the rough, but
getting out after you are in it.
Love, Dad”
My dad, who has always been a genius with word puzzles, seems to have cracked the less-comminative-than-I-thought cookie code. And that is somewhat disappointing because his guess makes a lot of sense – and does not encompass nearly as much drama as my own solution to my torn fortune. I was kind of liking the whole living-on-the-edge-while-I-wait-for-Goldfinger-to-take-me-hostage-and-demand-ransom-from-my-long-suffering-husband -Cap’n Firepants feeling of suspense. Even though, really, the only part of that which would cause me apprehension would be wondering if Cap’n Firepants would, even for a moment, actually entertain the thought of paying any ransom for my return.
Plus, the obvious allusion to golf in this fortune clearly points to the fact that Fate did screw things up, and I got the fortune meant for my husband (an avid golfer), which means he got my fortune, and neither one of us can remember what that fortune actually said. So, my future is crumpled up at the bottom of some landfill, and my father, who thinks he did me a favor by solving the mystery, has actually plummeted me into a deeper depression because now my whole world is completely upside-down, what with Fate being about as infallible as the soon-to-be-retired Pope and my future buried under a dirty diaper.
But then I thought…
“Hey, how do I know that e-mail was from my dad?” I mean, I never actually watched Goldfinger, but surely any respectable James Bond villain could hack into an e-mail account, right?
Oh, and I just Googled Goldfinger, and GUESS WHAT!!!? (besides the fact that you should never Google anything that includes the word “finger”) Goldfinger. Loved to. Play. Golf.
And I’m back in business.
I’m pretty sure those same characters are on my fortune. At least some of them. Maybe. Actually, that doesn’t even look like Chinese…
photo credit: johanoomen via photopin cc
Posted on February 12, 2013, in Cap'n Firepants, Humor and tagged fortune cookie, Goldfinger, golf, humor, life, random, terrorism, why do I keep referencing James Bond movies when I don't even like them. Bookmark the permalink. 25 Comments.
May I suggest that turning to fortune cookies to understand your future is not, in fact, the most accurate way forward. I, myself, prefer the reading of tea leaves. If all else fails, at least I’ve enjoyed a good cuppa’!
The problem is, I don’t drink tea. And I don’t really like the taste of leaves in my Diet Coke. Maybe I will try a crystal ball or Tarot cards instead.
How about ‘rumpology’?
Found on Neatorama.com – Rumpology. This is just what is sounds like – divination via the derriere. But take this one with a grain of salt – the only major backer of this method is Jackie Stallone, Sly’s mom and, by most accounts, a rather questionable “psychic.” Jackie says Rumpology works a lot like palm reading: the cracks, crevices, birth marks and dimples can reveal a lot about a person. According to one rumpologist, an apple-shaped butt “indicates someone who is charismatic, dynamic, very confident and often creative. A person who enjoys life.”
Does it have to be a human rump?
I would definitely NOT advise using Wonderbutt’s butt!
Darn. It’s always easily accessible.
I think you’re just going to have to tell your husband to take you out to dinner again. You need another fortune cookie.
I like the dinner idea – maybe a place without fortune cookies, though.
I agree with muddledmom
I agree with your agreement!
well then, maybe I disagree with your agreement of my agreement. Just to mix things up.
OMG. This fortune-cookie thing is OUT of CONTROL. You should write a novel or screenplay based on it. I bet Dan Craig would play Bond for you. I look forward to more of the Fortune Cookie Diaries…. keep us informed!
Hmm. I like that title – The Fortune Cookie Diaries!
You should be a stand-up comic!
I am too lazy to stand up for any length of time that might earn me money.
Brilliant!
I can pretty much apply my paranoia to anything, I guess.
I shudder to think of the google results on “Goldfinger”…
Someone really might be out to get you. Clearly, the plot has thickened. Sleep with a nerf gun under your pillow just in case. That’s always good for taking out those Cold War-era hit men.
Ah! I like the nerf gun idea. Especially if I can use it on the Cap’n when he starts snoring.
I think in keeping with your new James bond status, you have no choice but to get a hi-tech golf club that can double as a wifi antenna, telescope, wonderbutt-subduer, dimples-husher, and classroom-ant-coraller.
(Just don’t play golf with it, or it will mess up the other stuff.)
Hmm. I’ll have to talk to Q about that. But he might need R, S, T, and U to help him with such a monumental task.
…never Google anything that includes the word “finger” – *snicker*
I know I’m showing my age, but Sean Connery has always been the only Bond for me. Love that album cover.
I agree with you about Sean Connery. I mean, Daniel Craig is gorgeous, but once you see Connery as Bond, no one else will do.
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