Someone Stole My Dirty Laundry and They’re Airing it On This Blog

So now that I’ve been on this new medication for awhile, it’s become clear to me that my  occasional lapses of memory are probably not caused by terrorists poisoning my food.  I mean, that’s pretty ridiculous when you think about it.  It’s not like terrorists are that subtle.  They bomb restaurants; they don’t sprinkle memory altering drugs on the filet mignon.

Clearly, I have Mad Cow Disease.

The problem with this is that I used to be a vegetarian.  So, I only have myself to blame.  I hate blaming myself.  It’s really not healthy.  Although I don’t think it’s quite as damaging as Mad Cow Disease.

Before you pooh pooh my occasional lapses of memory, you might want to hear about the most recent example.

I forgot to take my clothes out the washing machine.

Don’t worry, there is more to the story.

When I finally remembered, I opened the washing machine – only to find it empty.

This was perplexing, to say the least.  Puzzlement turned into fury, however, when I opened the dryer to find all of my clothes.  Very dry.  And very small.  Because they are not supposed to go in the dryer.  But my loving husband, thinking he was doing me a favor by not pointing out that I forgot to transfer my clothing from one appliance to the next, did it for me.

“Fine, I guess I’ll do him a favor back,” I thought in a not very vengeful way.  At that point I was actually feeling remorseful because between finding out my clothes would be better suited for a Barbie doll and thinking that I should do my husband a favor, I had already sent a slightly sarcastic and biting message to Cap’n Firepants not exactly thanking him for his “favor.”

On the slight chance he really did mean to do me a favor, I realized that I might have been somewhat rude.

Cap’n Firepants had a heap of jeans on his side of the closet, so I decided that I would apologize for my sarcasm by washing them.

Now, although we don’t actually take our clothes down to the riverbank and beat them, the procedurefor washing clothes in the Firepants household is nearly as labor intensive: 1. Turn on the washing machine,  2. Pour in detergent.  3. Put in the clothes.  4.  Run around the house and grab more clothes from various nooks and crannies to make sure you do not waste water on a load that does not quite exceed the weight limit of a service elevator.  5.  Add the bra that you extracted from the dog’s teeth.  6.  Close the top of the machine.  7.  Come back in 5 minutes and realize the machine stopped.  8.  Open the top and let it drop hard in a very dramatic way to restart the cycle.  9.  Kick the machine to show it who is boss.

I got the whole process rolling, and patted myself on the back for being the bigger person.  Even though I was really not bigger; my clothes were just smaller.

Thirty minutes later, I passed by the laundry room, and realized it was awfully quiet.  I looked in and, sure enough, I had forgotten to close the top.  I closed it.  I kicked it.  Noise ensued.

Don’t you see?  Total proof that I have Mad Cow Disease.

Oh, need more?

So, a couple of hours later, we returned to the house after having taken Dimples to and from piano lessons.  I proudly remembered that I needed to put the jeans of Cap’n Firepants into the dryer.

I opened the washing machine.  No clothes.

Now, Cap’n Firepants was still at work, as far as I knew.  But, it seemed clear to me that he had driven twenty minutes home, put his clothes in the dryer, and then gone back to work.  Obviously.

I looked in the dryer.

Empty.

Oh. My. God!  Someone stole Cap’n Firepants’ clothes.  While we were gone, someone snuck in the house, stole 5 pairs of jeans and my bra, and left.

Nonsense, I realized – after a few minutes of complete panic.

Obviously, Cap’n Firepants came home, put his clothes in the dryer, waited for them to dry, put them away, and went back to work.

Easy to prove.  I’ll just walk into the closet and there will be the freshly folded clothes.

I walked into the closet.

There was the heap of jeans.

Oh. My. God!

He came home, put his clothes in the dryer, waited for them to dry, put them away, got them all dirty, put them back on the floor, and then went back to work.  In the space of 2 hours.

Or I forgot to put them in the washing machine.

Oh. My. God.

I just did a load of laundry with no clothes in it.

And that, my friends, is why you should not eat meat.

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Posted on January 19, 2014, in Cap'n Firepants, Family, Humor, Terrorism and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 43 Comments.

  1. OhMyGoodness… that was hilarious. Just last night (or was it the night before? whatever whenever) I opened the Keurig to pop my k-cup in… and poured the water down that spout instead.

    Wait, what?

    :}

  2. Beautiful. And my sympathies for the clothes shrinkage. We lost some favourite children’s jerseys to an overly helpful, unexpected, and not particularly desirable “flatmate” while staying in a pub in Britain. So, clearly, Mad Cow strikes again.

  3. Oh. My. God. This was utterly hilarious. I am so sorry to be laughing at your misfortune, but I think I’m allowed, as I suffer the same memory lapses! Ok, maybe not to the extent that you do, but I have found the tomato sauce in the bathroom cupboard, and I was the last to use it… I’ve also found my car keys in the freezer, and have also sworn that I emptied all of the bins in the house, when in actual fact I drove to the dump with an open car boot for nothing, because I’d forgotten to actually put the rubbish into the car.

    Fun and games I tell you. Fun and games ;)

  4. vegetarians are just bad hunters and mad cow disease comes from cows with turrets

  5. That’s pretty impressive. Better than the times that I carefully collect all the laundry out of the dryer and then stuff it back in the washer because I’ve completely forgotten what I’m there for.

  6. HAHAHHA…So that’s my problem? Eating meat?

    I guess I can stop feeling bad about all that weed I smoked in the lates 70s -early 80s.

  7. I love you! You make me feel normal…sort of.

  8. Eating animal products can increase the likelihood of getting cancer, diabetes, heart disease, and doing laundry without any actual laundry.

  9. Ha!

    I think I’d risk all that to get my teeth into a filet mignon.

  10. I can’t eat meat. Or anything else. I have tummy spasms from laughing so much. No more steak for you!

  11. Loved your tale of woe and forgetfulness! I can’t tell you how many times I go in to a room and forget why I went there!

  12. although hysterical, that’s pretty bad. I mean I’ve forgotten clothes in the washer until they’ve grown mildew, but I cannot remember forgetting to put the clothes IN the washer. you must not eat meat anymore. it’s obviously a serious health hazard.

    • I know! It’s seriously the worse memory lapse I’ve ever had – aside from the 3 days I was in a coma and forgot the entire preceding week. And that happened BEFORE I ever had a steak. And before terrorists.

  13. People are looking at me weird because no one is supposed to laugh at work.

  14. I literally laughed out loud. Guess we all feel a little crazy sometimes. P.s. I no longer eat red meat after a 20 page paper I wrote about Mad Cow Disease. Haha.

  15. We send our clothes out to be washed of all the delicious meat juice on them.

    (I wish we had a washing machine and dryer.)
    (Sigh…)

  16. Who are you, and where are my pants?

  17. Ok, so I think you maybe should look up the same site I looked up last night. “Early signs of menopause”. I am so having all those signs. My husband told me that if I look up “early signs of testicular cancer” I’ll convince myself that I have that, too. Huh. That wasn’t very nice of him.

  18. “Even though I was really not bigger; my clothes were just smaller.” This line KILLED me. Ha!

    My advice is to power through until you get used to the symptoms of the MCD. Steak is sooo worth it.

  19. Wow! At least our washer isn’t that stubborn. lol. I missed reading your posts. :D

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