Some Signs that I May Need Help

courtesy of "Tim" on Flickr

Dimples got a new book yesterday, “How to Be the Best at Everything”.

Since, I have been striving to be perfect for over 40 years, I was eager to read a 100 page book that would let me in on the secret.

So I randomly opened the book to one of the middle chapters to see what information Fate wanted me to glean first.

How to Improve Your Memory

Really?  Could the darn book have been more prescient?  I mean, it’s like the author was actually one of the two people who read my blog. My memory problems are what I complain about on a regular basis as I try to get people to believe that aliens or terrorists are trying to wipe out our remarkable recall skills by poisoning our food.

This is how bad my memory is.  Two years ago, I got a ticket driving in a school zone on a street that connects the two schools where I work.  Don’t get me started on how there is no school in sight of the actual zone, or that it’s not one of those helpful, solar-powered flashing light signs.  Or that there were no students anywhere in the vicinity because they were actually IN SCHOOL!

As you may have perceived, I was pretty p.o.’d about that ticket.  And the attitude of the police officer did not improve my feelings.

You would think, with the strong emotions that episode yielded, I would be more careful from then on in the school zone.

Nope.  Oh, I spent a few months driving way out of my way to avoid the school zone altogether, but I finally decided that was ridiculous.  All I had to do was not speed.  Jeez, how hard is that?

Apparently, for me,  pretty friggin’ hard.  Here is a typical trip from one school to t’other during the school zone time:

I get in the car and lecture myself that I must remember the school zone.  I pull out of School #1‘s parking lot at 20 mph, and turn the corner.  I go down the street that leads out of School #1’s neighborhood, chanting the mantra, “School Zone, School Zone, School Zone” the entire time.

I reach School Zone street, but it’s not the Zone yet.  It’s 35 mph.  “Don’t forget, don’t forget, don’t forget.”

I start thinking about what Wonderbutt might be currently redesigning in my house.  Pass the School Zone sign.  Crap.  “YOU FORGOT AGAIN.  YOU ARE SO LUCKY THERE ISN”T A COP WAITING RIGHT THERE.  SLOW DOWN, YOU FOOL!”

Red light.  Still in the School Zone.  Waiting, waiting, waiting.  Wonder what my next blog is going to be about…

Green light.  Let’s go!

Pass the end of the School Zone sign.  Crap!  “YOU FORGOT AGAIN!  WHAT, ARE YOU A COMPLETE IDIOT THAT YOU CAN’T REMEMBER SOMETHING THIRTY SECONDS LATER?”

Every time.

Wait a second.  What was I talking about?

Oh, yeah.  The book.  I have a feeling this chapter is not really going to help me.

I’m going to check out the chapter on “How to Survive an Alien Invasion” instead.

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Posted on September 10, 2011, in Humor, Memory Loss, Terrorism and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.

  1. You might be in trouble if the aliens decide to land in a school zone.

  2. Never could figure why the “powers” don’t limit speed for the times students will be arriving, and at the end of the day when leaving. All day when they’re IN CLASS is …anal.

  3. If there is a chapter on surviving a zombie apocalypse, I am definitely getting it.

  4. haha! I think you’re right – much better to prepare for an alien invasion that try to improve your memory 😉 that book sounds great!

  5. ha ha. Were we separated at birth??? Those are exactly the random thoughts that get ME speeding tickets too!! Clearly the alien invasion is not just confined to the US!!

  6. There’s gotta be some kind of invention to help us deal with that. Or an app or something…

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