The Bride of Cap’n Firepants

Pretty Much How My Hair Looks When I Diffuse It (photo courtesy of funkblast on Flickr)

Add to my ever-growing list of WhatIMeant2Do and Really Screwed Up the fact that I can’t diffuse my hair.

If you are not familiar with this hair styling option, this is what women sometimes do if they would like to have wavy or somewhat curly hair.  It involves using a blow dryer with a massage finger looking contraption attached to the blowing part.

I have noted several women at my place of work who have beautiful hair as a result of this styling routine.  So, I asked my stylist several months ago how I could achieve the same results.

He patiently showed me the best way to do this, and told me everything NOT to do.  He talked me through the whole process as I watched him do it in the mirror.

I did not have a diffuser thingy so I went to good ole Sally’s Beauty Supply to purchase an all-purpose one that “fits on any hair dryer.”

Oh, it fit, all right.  But it didn’t stay.  I would be standing doubled over blowing my hair, and the thing would pop off and fly across the bathroom.  As you can imagine, Cap’n Firepants was not appreciative of all of this racket at 5:30 a.m. when I was preparing to go to work.  Especially since the popping off was also usually succeeded by a string of curse words.

I blamed the very sad results the few times I attempted this on my acrobatically inclined diffuser.  After nearly decapitating Wonderbutt with the rocket-propelled piece of plastic, I gave up.

But my failure ate at me.  And I knew it was all because of that stupid excuse for an all-purpose part.  I decided that I needed to invest in a real hairdryer/diffuser combo.  Only then could I accomplish the dream hair that I knew was possible.

Again, I asked my long suffering hair stylist to give me step by step instructions.  He said, “Didn’t we already try this?” and I explained that I had failed miserably, but I thought that if he gave me instructions one more time, I was sure that I could do it.  WhatIMeant2say was that I now have brand new spanking equipment that I was sure would make the whole thing go more smoothly.


If I was willing to break my rule of no personal photographs on my blog, you could see the frizzy mess that I ended up with.  If anything, I think it turned out worse than with the exploding diffuser I originally owned.

It isn’t my hairstylist’s fault.  If you want to see what a wiz this guy is with hair, check out his video below.  I think he was too nice to say that my years of begging him to show me how to do my hair finally inspired him to start his own YouTube channel of how-to videos.  I’m not sure what he was trying to tell me by urging me to watch this one first, but I’m wondering if I tried to follow the steps I might actually get my hair right for once.

Because I manage to look like the Bride of Frankenstein quite fine on my own.

Posted on September 12, 2011, in Humor and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 11 Comments.

  1. Your stylist has an advantage. His hands aren’t attached to the same body as the hair he’s styling.

  2. I’d be happy with hair like that cute little dog.

  3. Hahahaha!!! I just tried this whole diffuser thing last week with one that didn’t fit my dryer either!!! I bravely posted a pic to facebook & was told to put that thing back where I found it. I’d been couped up with the kids all weekend through a tropical storm and the end result had me looking as crazy as I felt. 🙂

  4. Kay at Blue Speckled Pup

    Have you ever tried “plopping” your curls? Diffusing has never been my friend, since my hair fuzzes out with the blowdryer no matter what I do, but plopping gives me fabulous, shiny curls with minimal effort.

    The only downside is sleeping with your hair all rolled up in a t-shirt. It’s not romantic, but the result is worth it.

    • OK. I must post about this soon. I have never heard of this until I read your comment. What a great term, and I’m sure Cap’n Firepants can’t wait for me to come to bed with a t-shirt rolled around my hair.

  5. I am always wondering how a stylist can do something with my hair and I cannot. No matter what I do it never ever comes out right. I need a live-in stylist, any volunteers?

  6. I’m 33 and still can’t do any of things I’ve ever seen my hair stylist do. I’ve given up hope.

  7. My wife would love this post! Good work.

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