Those Are Not Her Mother’s Genes

courtesy of "opalandtheidiot" on Flickr

The older Dimples gets, the more convinced I become that she is not our biological child. Someone switched kids on us, and I’m starting to get a better picture of the other set of parents involved in this deception. Apparently they have the following people somewhere in their family tree:

Shirley Temple – There is not one person that I know of in Cap’n Firepants’ or my families with dimples. Where the heck did those come from? The REAL Parents. Don’t give me any lectures about pea plants and recessive genes. I’ve seen Temple singing “On the Good Ship Lollipop”, and it’s Dimples with tap shoes.

Elvis or Michael Jackson – The kid has rhythm. She has been taking dance for five years, and she actually can do it on stage without falling into the audience. I guess she could have gotten this ability from the Shirley Temple side of the family, but there’s a little more pelvis action in there than Little Miss Marker ever displayed. I am telling you, and most of our friends would be happy to attest, that there is not a smidgen of rhythm in Cap’n Firepants or me. Unless we’re drunk.

Ashton Kucher – Cap’n Firepants and I were both major geeks in school. I was labelled Four Eyes (so original) and the Cap’n won’t even tell me what humiliations he suffered. Not so with Dimples. Dimples wears glasses and suddenly it becomes a fashion trend. We don’t have to make plans for the weekend because her friends schedule every minute. She charms everyone she meets, and doesn’t even know it.

She does well in school, sings like a bird, laughs at herself if she makes an embarrassing mistake and decides, on her own volition, that she would like to go to bed earlier so she can get more sleep.

Somewhere out there is a family with an eight year old who is perpetually grumpy, stumbles around in her coke bottle glasses as she hunts for the Nancy Drew book she will spend the weekend reading alone in her room, and makes Eeyore look like an optimist.

I’m sorry, Biological Producers of Dimples, that you got stuck with the miniature version of Cap’n Firepants and me. You’re probably trying to get your money back on the Designer Baby you ordered.

Good luck with that.

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Posted on September 13, 2011, in Children, Dimples, Family, Humor, Parenting and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 15 Comments.

  1. Absolutely excellent writing! 🙂

  2. This is great, and hilarious.

    But hey, you made something awesome. Own it, live it, love it. Why not take the credit? 😉 Also, sometimes things skip a generation. I’m musical, and neither of my parents are at all. AT ALL. Unless I was switched at birth as well…

  3. Aww, does Dimples get to read this post? Sounds like she got the best of somebodies genes. 🙂

  4. You got the best part of the bargain..count your blessings as someone else has your troubles.

    A good post.I loved it

  5. My kids have me thinking the same thing. It really is strange how different from parents kids can be. They are really going to appreciate the differences when they are teenagers, if they aren’t already.

  6. Excellent. You certainly tell a good story. Statistics show that 50% of children are switched at birth. Some of the luckier parents have gotten cars and ponies.

  7. I’m still wondering how I ended up with such good/easy kids.

  8. This is hilarious! We have one kid like that, charming and talented and rhythmic, who isn’t like either one of her parents (#3). And then there’s #4, who is exactly like me except I had nothing to do with making her.

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