I Need Wonderbutt Insurance

I am one of the first people to decry the commercialism of Christmas and its ridiculous encroachment into the fall holidays that precede it.  Seeing an aisle of Christmas ornaments right next to the bloody Halloween masks with machetes sticking out of them is just disturbing.  But I guess this is going to be a fight I can’t win.

Dimples keeps playing Christmas music…as she decorates the house with her homemade Halloween decorations. It’s a little disconcerting to listen to “Hark, the Herald Angels Sing” as your whistling daughter attempts to tape black bat garland around the mantle.

One of Dimples’ favorite decorations is a plastic spider web that you can suction cup to the window.  The problem is, even when new, the suction cups never seemed to hold for very long.

I pointed out to Dimples that all of the windows to which she wanted to adhere it happen to be within the borders of Wonderbutt’s domain.  And once that web fell to the floor, even a giant mutant arachnid would be no match for the jaws and iron stomach of Wonderbutt.

As I warned Dimples about this, and prompted her to adjust her decorating accordingly, something began to nag in the back of my mind.  Something about decorating and Wonderbutt.  Something that started hurtling toward the front of my mind as “Jingle Bell Rock” began to play.

The Christmas tree.

Crap.

I think we can all agree that there is no way that a Christmas tree would last ten minutes  around Wonderbutt, much less the decorations adorning it or the presents underneath.  And Cap’n Firepants’ Annual Lighting Extravaganza would send us all to Kingdom Come once Wonderbutt sinks his teeth into it.

If you need some proof of Wonderbutt’s intolerance for decorating, take a look at our attempts to outfit Wonderbutt and Mrs. P.I.B. for a Halloween photo shoot.

Mrs. P.I.B. Sportingly Models a Halloween Boa

Wonderbutt Draws the Line at Mrs. P.I.B.'s Halloween Headband

I Mean It - No More Stinkin' Halloween Pictures!

So-o-o, back to the tree problem –

Possible solutions: no tree, tree in bedroom, bathroom, or garage, tree suspended from the ceiling, or gated-off tree.

My mother used to tie our tree to a hook on the ceiling to keep the cats from knocking it down.  She didn’t hang the tree, just used the hook as a kind of safeguard.

Trying to safeguard the tree against Wonderbutt would be like chaining your house to a telephone pole to keep a tornado from carrying it off.

Since I’ve learned that gates are just a temporary obstacle to Wonderbutt when he makes up his mind to get some place, I’m thinking we should not tie the tree so it will fall if Wonderbutt touches it, scaring the bejeezus out of him.

And then we have to pay the vet $1000 when he gets poked in the eye by a pine branch.

Or, maybe we should just torch the house now and get all of the destruction over with once and for all.

So, once again, it is the middle of October, and the most suitable costume for me seems to be the Grinch.

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Posted on October 16, 2011, in Children, Dimples, Dogs, Family, Humor, Interior Decorating, Mrs. P.I.B., Wonderbutt and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 22 Comments.

  1. My sister used to put the tree inside the playpen. had a separate playpen for the baby.

  2. I LOVE the playpen idea!!

  3. Just wanted to say that I forwarded this to my wife today. I have been laughing and telling her about Wonderbutt. She LOVES bulldogs (she used to have an English) and I had to forward this one to her. She laughed hysterically and LOVES LOVES LOVES the look on Wonderbutt’s face with the headband in the mouth. I love it to btw!

  4. Dear old Wonderbutt…Did you not have him with you last Christmas?

    You could always send him to Boot Camp for Doggies for a month, or ship him over here where we don’t have Halloween decorations or Christmas trees or presents..just 5 other dogs and 2 donkeys and sadly only one cat..that should keep him busy

  5. Tell Wonderbutt he can be lead reindeer this year. That may be enough of a distraction.

  6. Have you ever read The “Dangerous Book for Dogs”? You should. Or Wonderbutt should. Or maybe he already has. Hmmm….

    http://www.amazon.com/Dangerous-Book-Dogs-Parody-Sparky/dp/0345503708

  7. Wonderbutt is so darn cute but he does come with his own set of instructions

  8. Oh my God I love your dogs!

  9. I laughed all the way through this. Wonderbutt outdoes Bongo at times. At least Bongo leaves the tree alone. I learned the hard way though that I can’t leave presents from my family under the tree in case there’s food in them. We came home one day to find what was left of a package formerly containing malt balls for my son from my sister.

  10. I have no solution to offer, but please know I send my sincere condolences. I will probably not have a Christmas tree inside until I can secure it in the basement, away from the beasties, and given that my basement is rented out until next summer, this year’s holiday season is out for sure.

    Wonderbutt and Sherman should never meet in person: they would surely bring about the apocalypse.

  11. Good luck with that! 😉 My vote is the garage. Nothing says Christmas like everyone huddled in the garage opening presents early that morning. That way you all still get a tree and Wonderbutt doesn’t get hurt.

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