This is Becoming a Pain in the Butt

I did something truly frightening and scheduled a colonoscopy for myself on Halloween.  In retrospect, that wasn’t my best plan ever.  But Fate saved me from myself once again, and my doctor’s office called to reschedule because, apparently, the doctor’s husband is having surgery on that date.

I am not going to go into the details of the domino effect of this schedule change.  Being a teacher of gifted students at two different schools, I had to personally notify at least 500 people when I cancelled class for next Monday.  My students thought I was taking a day off for Halloween.  I didn’t take off for my own birthday, but I’m going to relax at home on Halloween?  If I was going to let that day effect my teaching schedule, I would go for the day after Halloween – when the kids are so sugared up from all of the candy they ate, and so exhausted from trick or treating that they are extra diligent about misbehaving, and drop their heads on the desk as soon as you ask them to expend some energy on anything that requires thought.

Anyway, my doctors’s office decided to reschedule me for next Wednesday.  After I dutifully marked that on my calendar and hung up, I contemplated the nightmare I had just agreed to.

I had just finished emailing all of the teachers about next week’s schedule change, and let Transportation know so they could get a different driver because the current bus driver has already scheduled his life around me once and refuses to do it again.  Now I was going to have to tell everyone that I was just jerking their chains. I really meant to cancel class next Wednesday.

And, let’s be logical about this.  If the doctor’s husband is having surgery on Monday, and something goes wrong, is my doctor going to be in any shape to be doing the sensitive things they do during such procedures?  What if the husband stops breathing during his mystery operation and everyone panics and the nurse drops a scalpel, and someone steps on it and slips, hitting the anesthesia guy in the crotch and then all Hell breaks loose?  Do I really want the doctor to be working on me a mere two days after this traumatic experience?  I think not.

Of course, rescheduling would mean I would have to call the office back again.  So, I need to weigh the likelihood of my doctor going off the deep end due to her husband’s brush with death against the likelihood of me talking to a real live person who can help me before I stab myself with the butter knife after being forced to listen to scratchy elevator music for fifteen minutes. This is not Dr. Jimmy’s office where humans pick up the phone after one ring and magically pull convenient-for-my-calendar appointments out of their uncolonoscopied rears.

Then I looked at my calendar more closely.  What?  OK – hide the butter knives.  Time to call the doctor’s office.  I could handle re-notifying 500 people rather than calling back to re-re-schedule,  but there was another event on the calendar that I could not cancel and I sure as heck didn’t plan to attend loopy on anesthesia with an aching butt.

David Sedaris is coming to town.  That man’s writings – and his readings of his writings – makes life worth living, and I am not going to miss his humor injection for a dang colonoscopy that will probably result in my doctor officially declaring me a hypochondriac once and for all.

So, I called the office again.  And, you have rightly deduced that I did not stab myself.  The colonoscopy is rescheduled.  I will be able to enjoy David Sedaris with my full faculties intact.  At least the ones that are usually present.

I haven’t told the 500 people yet.  I’m thinking of keeping things quiet.  After all, it might not be so bad to have the day off on Halloween.

Not sure if this is the best place for me to display this message, but thanks for the pic!


Posted on October 25, 2011, in Annoyances, Doctors, Humor, Work and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 37 Comments.

  1. I think you were right to reschedule. The scenario where patient stops breathing, nurse drops a scalpel, someone slips, all hell breaks out… well, that happens all the time. You need to avoid that.

  2. Thanks. Now I feel better 🙂

  3. For some reason I imagine David Sedaris has opinions about colonoscopys. If there’s a Q&A, you have a Q for him!

  4. You were justified in your fears and thank goodness your date with Mr. Sedaris prompted you to reschedule. I worked in health care for ten years and you would NEVER want a doctor upset by her husband’s mystery surgery gone bad anywhere near your . . . well, you get the picture.

    Funny, funny post. Great graphic. Enjoyed both immensely.

  5. The ONLY good part about the colonoscopy is the drugs.

  6. Too bad it didn’t happen on April Fool’s Day instead. It might have been easier to make the change with the 500 people you have to email.

  7. I am so glad to see someone else appreciates the trickle down effect of schedule-jerking. I know I should be more flexible, but so much rides on stuff going as meticulously planned. I agree, Sedaris is worth the schedule bump and I don’t think I’d tell anyone- well, anyone that doesn’t read your public blog. 🙂

    • Thanks. Fortunately, my co-workers don’t read it. So I should be safe. Now I just have to figure out how to convince my daughter that I need to stay home that day but she doesn’t!

  8. It’s up! My first Blog Hop! It’s Blog-O-Ween! Your post is mostly about taking care of your booty- but you mention Halloween, so you qualify because you planned to spend your Halloween taking care of it. 🙂 Drop in?

    Hope to see you there and that your appt gets scheduled as soon as possible to Sedaris’ visit. 🙂

  9. As you is better to go and see David Sedaris first and then do the other bits…

    Hope you do not mind but I used your word yesterday to write my blog. I did mention you and the name of your blog heading. Such a lovely word even though I cannot say it , spell it or understand it.. but it did bring back memories..

    love Patrecia

  10. As I’m just a puppy, I’m not even sure what a colo….wotsit is, I’m not sure I want to either.

  11. Thanks for linking up! Your story was still great the third time I read it! haha!

  12. I can totally appreciate the scheduling issue and I’m with you….. take yourself a Halloween holiday…’ll need your rest to enjoy Sedaris on Wednesday anway. 😉

  13. The worst part is the prep its horrible

  14. Oh boy the Cap’n is gonna have some fun times waiting with you in the recovery area.

    Tammy had one several years ago and when she was coming down from the drugs, she had no idea about the sounds that were coming out of her or the frequency.

    I would look around because I was certain that the sounds made it past the thin curtain walls.

    She’d look up at me in her drugged-up haze and say, “What that loud?”

    Ummm, yeah. I’m pretty sure people thought a giant balloon was deflating.

    I only wish I had thought to bring a tape recorder. Hopefully the Cap’n will because you’ll have plenty of material from it!!

    I have to hope there’s a next time…

  15. I just read your comment to him. He is thrilled to know what he has to look forward to. They should really warn about things like this in the marriage vows.

  16. critters and crayons

    You totally did it right!

    It’s not an award for your bookshelf, but you can totally grab a blog-hop badge in the left hand column of my blog- I should have had it up earlier- Sorry! First blog-hop and all. I’ll get my crap together. haha! Thanks, again!

  17. The day of is nothing because of the drugs. The prep day is by far worse than the real thing. I hope you schedule your prep day to be near a bathroom, preferably a private one.
    Love your post! laughing out loud, looking forward to more! -Lee

  18. I’ll be rescheduling mine about 4 or 5 times I’m sure.
    Great blog, thanks for dropping by Old and in the Way… There’s a certain snarkiness here that I can appriciate. I’ve never met a person who teaches gifted children, I’m more aquanited with the instructors of the uh.. remedial kind.

  19. Make sure you get this DONE. I had one, found several areas that had to be removed. My dad died of colon cancer. Don’t play around get it done. Okay I am finished with the motherly scolding. Let us know how everything toots out…I mean turns out. 🙂

  20. So, would that make your new handle First Mate Tootsalot? Or even better….drum roll, please…Thunderbutt!…..Just teasing…Hope it goes well. As a former teacher myself, take the day off. Lord knows you’ve earned it. Teaching gifted kids is difficult, and as the mother of two gifted kids, sometimes it’s more of a curse than a blessing. Get drunk on candy! You’ll match the kids the next day.

    • OMG! I love Thunderbutt!!!!!!!!!!!! Not for me, of course. Actually, it probably would have been a very appropriate name for Wonderbutt. Darn – wish I’d thought of that.

      • Miranda Gargasz

        My kids liked Thunderbutt, too! Of course, they’re boys so they ran around all evening calling each other Thunderbutt. I just can’t win.

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