When the Best Part of Your Day is Your Colonoscopy…

Why I’m Still Depressed (but I Promise it’s the Last Day):

I had my colonoscopy at 7 a.m.  I woke up from the anesthesia with absolutely no side effects.  I was completely lucid.  I had hoped that I would be slightly loopy, and Cap’n Firepants could post me on YouTube so I could become a viral internet sensation like “David After the Dentist”.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

No such luck.

After fasting for over 24 hours, I was ready for a great meal, but the Nurse Who Apparently Needs to Have Her Own Colonoscopy kaboshed that by saying all I could have was some eggs and toast.  No Starbucks.  No breakfast tacos.  No Diet Coke.  On the way home, I tried to tell Cap’n Firepants that the Nurse Who Apparently Needs to Have Her Own Colonoscopy And I Would Be Happy to Give It To Her was wrong.  Every single one of my colonscopied friends has told me that they went to a restaurant afterward and chowed down.  Cap’n Firepants said, “Now, if every one of your friends jumped off a bridge -”  O.K.  He didn’t say that.  He just shook his head condescendingly, drove me home, and made me some scrambled eggs. He wouldn’t even put picante sauce on them.

The upshot of this whole adventure is that my colon has nothing wrong with it.  Which should be good news.  But that means that my symptoms now get the vague diagnosis of Irritable Bowel Syndrome.  Which makes my bowel not the only thing that is irritated.

Wonderbutt’s nursing skills are about as empathetic as the Nurse Who Apparently Needs to Have Her Own Colonoscopy And I Would Be Happy to Give It To Her Without the Benefit of Anesthesia.  I thought he would cuddle up with me on the couch while I took a nap.  And he did.  What I did not know was that he would end up snoring with his face a centimeter away from mine and that his 65 pounds of puppy love would make me feel like the marshmallow in a Smore.

After I decided to abandon Wonderbutt for my less affectionate, but less nasally challenged, bed, Wonderbutt apparently felt slighted. Before I left the room, I told him to pretend I was at work, but he seemed to interpret this differently than my intended message.

Cap’n Firepants came home that afternoon, and Wonderbutt happily greeted him with something in his mouth.  My glasses.

Ironically, Wonderbutt’s stomach can happily accept my twisted wire frames, and I cannot even eat an apple without experiencing an intestinal Civil War.

Cap’n Firepants seemed to think the glasses incident was amusing.  He said we could probably take the lenses in, and just buy some frames.

I pointed out that it might be difficult for me to see through all of the bite impressions.  He thought the marks on the glass were just slobber, apparently.

I Think I Can Fix These...

I would like to know why Cap’n Firepants suddenly finds Wonderbutt’s escapades funny.

I may not be loopy, but I find it quite difficult to compose a blog post with a giant Diet Coke withdrawal headache crushing my brain.

I can’t see why no one can figure out what is wrong with me, and I can’t see why I can’t have a big feast to celebrate being a big girl and drinking a gallon of MoviPrep.  I especially can’t see why I can’t have a Diet Coke.

And now, as Wonderbutt has communicated quite clearly, I just really can’t see.


Posted on November 9, 2011, in Cap'n Firepants, Depression, Dogs, Humor, Wonderbutt and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 34 Comments.

  1. That is some artistry right there. Save those glasses for his baby, er puppy, book.

  2. Ouch. I think the glasses have seen better days. Glad your colon is ok, sorry for the stupid vague diagnosis. Your post made me chuckle!

  3. Whew, good thing everything was ok! But, the glasses… maybe time for a new pair. What was Wonderbutt trying to tell you?

  4. Is there anything Wonderbutt doesn’t mangle? Your glasses frames look like a dead insect.

    I just realized the irony of you having a dog by that name and a clear colonoscopy (huzzah!) on the same day.

  5. How cruel!
    I’m also a chilli-on-everything-including-breakfast kind of girl and no digestive system issues are going to stop me.
    …eggs with no picante sauce indeed…!

  6. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry..think I’ll laugh! That was so funny…not your colon(whatever) that’s not funny, well not really. I am happy that you do not have a problem…you will have plenty of days to eat and drink what you like….. and as much as I love you…Wonderbutt cannot be blamed for chewing your glasses! Who left them where he could get hold of them?

    You will enjoy a new pair of specs….. xxxxxxx

  7. Stop making me laugh so much! 🙂 Another great post. I love your writing.

    P.S. Hope your innards get sorted.

  8. Great Post. I will help you with Nurse Who Apparently Needs to Have Her Own Colonoscopy And I Would Be Happy to Give It To Her Without the Benefit of Anesthesia Out Behind the Garage.
    …and my husband ate everything he wanted immediately … the greasy spoon diner was a half-block from the hospital.

  9. Thank you for keeping the secret about the post-colonoscopy period. The time from when you wake up to about an hour later. All of you who have gotten one, you know what I’m talking about.

  10. writingandrecovering

    Poor glasses. I’m so scared of going under for anything because I know I’ll probably wake up loopy and crazy and I don’t want anyone video taping me. Or knowing my luck something will go wrong and the stuff won’t even work and I’ll be awake the whole time. Good thing about your colon though!

  11. As the owner of a dog who often yacks up socks, I feel ya, sister!

  12. So glad that you are ok, even though you are irritable. Wonderbutt is one lucky dog. I hope they can fix your symptoms.

    And I hope that nurse gets that colonoscopy without anesthesia AND that she stubbs her toe.

  13. What? No giant deflating balloon sounds??

    I was thinking about getting one myself so I could try to make the sheets move, but now I’m second guessing it. Because what’s the fun in going through all of that if I can’t enjoy the fireworks after… hahha…

    Glad to hear everything (else) turned out OK though…

  14. Hello! I just food your blog and have been reading and giggling all afternoon  have they double checked you aren’t celiac (allergic to gluten)? I had seemingly unrelated symptoms and a decade of “IBS” (which feels like it = I don’t know) before a clever dietician worked it out and sent me for blood test and endoscopy. 9 months on and the IBS is gone. A friendly suggestion from a fellow person with a “special” stomach 🙂

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