Jerry Springer Here I Come
One of the things I am not known for is my athletic ability. When I went to school, I went through a succession of P.E. teachers who felt that I was so non-athletic that it wasn’t even worth it to learn my name. I was consistently called, “Hey You.”
I had a slight lapse in judgment one day, and admitted this to two of the P.E. teachers I now work with. They have known me for ten years. They now like to call me, “Hey You.”
Anyway, I don’t think Cap’n Firepants was a rock star in P.E. either. Apparently he was so traumatized by his whole experience in school before college that he won’t even tell me about it.
So, it was no surprise to me when Dimples got in the car after school the other day, and proclaimed, “I got a 36 on the Pacer in P.E. today.”
I was a bit perplexed by her cheerful attitude, but tried to play it cool.
“Out of 100?” I asked, hesitantly.
“Uh, yeah, I guess.”
“What do you mean, you guess?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, a 36. That isn’t very good.” I wasn’t reprimanding her. I was just trying to think how to break it to her that she was the unfortunate offspring of some bad P.E. genes.
“Are you kidding? It’s great.”
Oh, God! Was she bad in math, too? Well, that wasn’t from my side of the family, at least.
“Sweetie, 36 out of 100 is not good.”
“Mom, the boys were supposed to get like 40 something, and most girls only got like 20. M– only got 12! Plus, I did more curl ups than any other girl, and more crunches than any other girl, except G–!
“So-o-o, you did good?” I said, slowly, trying to figure out this whole new system of grading and accept the fact that a product from my gene pool can do well in anything related to athletics.
“Yes, Mom! That’s what I’m trying to tell you!”
“Uh, great job…Hey, uh, just out of curiosity, what does your P.E. teacher call you?”
I could see her exasperated face in the rearview mirror, and it was pretty clear that this entire conversation had confirmed her fears that I had finally lost my marbles.
“My name, Mom!”
O.K. Just checking.
I really need to get that DNA test taken care of.