Never Ask a Pirate for a Favor

Karma.  It’s a funny thing.

I asked Cap’n Firepants to pick up Dimples from synchronized swimming practice.  He works near the pool, and was going to be at the office late, so it seemed logical to me that he could swing by and pick her up instead of me waiting there for an hour and a half.

I told the Cap’n that I needed to get some stuff done at the house.  WhatIMeant2Say was that I needed some time to myself.  In a Really Big Way.

I got home, and Wonderbutt was bouncing off the walls.  Literally.  It had to hurt.

So, I thought if I invested some play time at the front of the evening, that this would result in more peace and quiet later.  I played with him and tried not to think about the personal time that was being whittled away.

Finally, he flattened himself on the ground panting, which I took to be my cue that play time was over.

I was wrong.

I went to the Forbidden Section of the house to work on the computer (okay, blog.)

Wonderbutt began a Squeaking Campaign of Unimaginable Proportions.  It’s funny when he does that to Dimples.  Somehow the absence of her annoyance made it less amusing.

I let Wonderbutt into the Forbidden Section.

Wonderbutt Racing into the Forbidden Section

He was good for awhile.  But that didn’t last long.

Wonderbutt About to Be Expelled from the Forbidden Section

I kicked him out of the Forbidden Section.  Actually, I was really mean, and raced out of the Forbidden Section.  He bounded after me, and then I whirled around and raced back, putting the gate back up.  I know – not nice.

Once I finally sat down again to type, I realized that I had almost completely squandered my alone time. But I consoled myself that, once Dimples got home she would need to shower. So that added at least an hour to my alone time.  Because Dimples takes forever in the shower.

The door beeped, signaling the arrival of Dimples and Firepants.

Dimples immediately made her way to my Forbidden Section hideout, ignoring Wonderbutt and shedding swimming paraphernalia in her wake.

“Mom, Dad just showed me two baby tarantulas on our sidewalk!”

O.K.  Why do we have tarantulas on our sidewalk?  And, more importantly, why would Cap’n Firepants feel the need to point them out to Dimples, who is petrified by the millimeter sized spiders that have an unfortunate tendency to drop on her while she is in the shower?

“Uh, you should go take a shower now.  It’s late.”

“Mom, I can’t take a shower now!”

“You can’t?”

“Mom!!!!  Tarantulas ON THE SIDEWALK!”

“You aren’t showering on the sidewalk, are you?”

“Mom!!!”

About this time, Firepants rolls into the room, completely oblivious to the fact that he has scarred Dimples for life.  I glare at him, but he doesn’t get the message.

“Take your shower!” I command in my most authoritative teacher voice.

For some reason, this inspires Wonderbutt to begin barking in the front of the house.

Dimples yells, “Stop barking!!!” as she reluctantly backs out and heads to her room to collect all of the various items necessary to have in the bathroom during a shower.

“Stop barking!  Stop barking!  Stop barking! Stop barking!  Stop bar-”

“STOP IT!  He only barked once, for crying out loud.”

“Because I kept telling him to stop barking.”

Is it bad for a mom to want to throw a baby tarantula in the shower?  Just asking.

One Tarantula - Still on our Sidewalk Next Morning, Still Very Alive (Not Sure What Happened to the Other One)

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Posted on November 17, 2011, in Annoyances, Cap'n Firepants, Children, Dimples, Dogs, Family, Humor, Parenting, Wonderbutt and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 32 Comments.

  1. Oh I just love the way you write! I’m relatively new to blogging so am trying to get my head around the wordpress/blog community thing etc. and having a lot of fun doing it. Your sense of humour is brilliant!

  2. I think I’ve been scarred by that tarantula and I wasn’t even there. That thing is a mofo!

    As for men and their inability to understand ‘the look’ – I’ve just accepted it will never happen, as irritating as that might be… at least he didn’t give you the “What?! What are you looking at me like that for” at the top of his lungs and then get all hurt when you say “Nevermind”.

    Think of all the good karma you earned by giving up your me time; perhaps you will come back as a Wonderbutt?

  3. What’s life without tarantulas on the side walk? great post –

  4. The other tarantula is, of course, lurking at the top of the shower… 🙂

  5. Your tarantulas look different than ours. I could send some over if you need a few more.

  6. I love your writing style. I just started my new blog called notinthemanual. I think you will find that we have a lot in common!

  7. You Wicked Mother LOL! I absolutely loved reading that..in fact I do believe that I shall read it as second time!

    What would you do in our house when 5 dogs are barking, all at the same time! Strangely enough..’STOP BARKING!….

    great post… loved it

  8. Some days, everything is annoying!

  9. Daughter takes long showers too. Once she was shaving her legs and noticed something wiggling at the drain filter. After a closer inspection she saw long skinny hairy legs reaching out of the tiny holes. It pulled itself out and looked at her. It was a wolf spider. Talk about coming unglued!

  10. You have tarantulas on the sidewalk! Don’t even tell me you have rattle snakes in your mailbox and scorpions under your bed too. I’m never coming over. 😉

  11. …nope. Completely justified. 🙂

  12. I love you pace of your stories – fast, interesting and attention grabbing. I get to the end and want more! Hope the spiders are okay!!

  13. Wonderbutt is adorable…barking and all! 🙂

  14. HA HA. I get a kick out of the term “restricted section”. We need one, because it would at least contain the dog dust bunnies to one floor of the house that way, but I’m a sucker and let them upstairs all the time. DH and I have a conversation at least once a week about banning the dogs (and the fur) from the bedroom. Hasn’t happened yet.

  15. I think you showed great restraint.

  1. Pingback: Whacked out Wednesdays: Legs,,,Long Long Legs « life is a bowl of kibble

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