They are Having More Fun

“Oh Tigger, where are your manners?”

“I don’t know, but I bet they’re having more fun than I am.” 

A.A. Milne

In my daily quest to increase my chances of being struck by lightning by doing things like replacing our nativity scene with Harry Potter’s Hogwarts castle, I have worked diligently on eroding the “good points” I may have obtained from years of attending Catholic school.  As part of this on-going program, I have become a little lax in the church attending department.

I won’t give you all of the standard excuses because I used to be pretty critical of the twice-a-year church attendees – and now I have become one of them.  I must say, though, that my world got a little rocked when I attended a Catholic funeral yesterday.  While I was gone – since April- they went and changed the words on me.

What’s truly embarrassing is that I can sing the words to LMFAO’s “Sexy and I Know It,” but I was fumbling through a recitation I’ve done hundreds of times before I even got five minutes into it.

If you are Catholic, and have been attending Mass regularly, then you obviously know what I’m talking about.  If you are Catholic and haven’t been since Easter, let me tell what to expect on Christmas day so you don’t make a fool out of yourself like I did.  And, if you are not Catholic, allow me to explain by saying, up until now (and I am 43 years old), the Mass has been something one could, conceivably, attend on auto-pilot.  Now, apparently, everyone needs to be in the cock-pit.

At least until we learn where the new buttons are for flying this thing.

If they had changed the whole darn thing, it probably would have been easier.  But they lull you into that sense of security, the predictable responses that we’ve always chanted back to the priest for all of our lives – and then they throw in what appears to be an unnecessary change.

For example, the priest used to say, “The Lord be with you,” and we would respond, quite logically, “and also with you.”  Now we are supposed to say, “and with your spirit.”

I’m trying not to be all cranky about it, like the lady in the Huffington Post, who said, “It’s ridiculous. I’ve been a Catholic for 50 years, and why would they make such stupid changes? They’re word changes. They’re semantics,” she said.

I almost could agree with her, now that I have spent an entire funeral mass loudly saying the wrong words as I stood next to a staunch every-Sunday Catholic.  But the Huffington Post lady lost me when she went on to say, “It’s confusion. All it’s doing is causing confusion,” she said. “You want to go to church and be confused?”

Lady, that’s all I’ve ever been in church – confused.  It started when I was a kid and thought God rang the bells right before the Communion, only to disappointingly observe one of the altar boys doing it one day, continued all of the way through my mother marrying a priest to the present day when I am trying to figure out how I can explain to my daughter that God will only forgive us if we regretfully confess, but we are supposed to forgive everyone – whether they are sorry or not – essentially implying that we must be more forgiving than God.  So I don’t think confusion has ever stopped the Catholic church from doing something.  That argument isn’t going to take you very far.

Plus, I kind of don’t want to go to church anyway.  And it’s not because I feel like an idiot  when I say the wrong thing.

What I would like to do – some day when I have nothing else to do and I’m feeling brazen – is to go to Mass and start chanting something completely different the whole entire time.  Like the text of Winnie-the-Pooh.  It would be even better if I could plant several co-conspirators throughout the congregation to do it all together.  Before I do that, though, I need to get my funeral all planned.  Because I’m pretty sure deliberately sabotaging the words to a Catholic mass is lightning strike-worthy even if nothing else I’ve done qualifies.

thanks to coconut wireless on Flickr

Posted on December 10, 2011, in Death, Humor and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 30 Comments.

  1. Good thing I no longer attend!

  2. Yeah well, you could do like some people and just sleep through the whole thing!

  3. Oh I can relate to so much of this even though I’m not Catholic (I’m Anglican which is pretty close!)

  4. They changed the words? That just isn’t fair.

    Helpful hint: you can create a perfect lipsync by mouthing the words “cantaloupe and watermelon.” No matter what song is on, or what the guy at the front is expecting you to say, those melons will get you out of trouble every time.

    Wow. That last sentences doesn’t sound like I wanted it to.

  5. I was raised Catholic too, and I went to a French (nationality, not actually in France) catholic elementary school. I thought in first and second grade that God only spoke French…because that was how I learned my prayers.

  6. I attend a protestant church, but I’m still awfully surprised that the Catholic church is making changes. The next thing you know, you’ll all be reading your Bibles.

  7. I married a Catholic fourteen years ago, and I have spent 99 percent of that time confused. I agree with HP lady that the changes seem stupid. They’ve even changed the words to some of the hymns so that just when I finally learn the darn things they go and change it on me. Now I just stand there hoping to be confused for one of the statues. It’s my only hope.

  8. I am not Catholic so I cannot really comment but I do wonder if maybe people are on automatic pilot when giving replies during prayer time. Do they say these replies because they mean them or because they are supposed to say them. If that is the case then replies mean nothing at all, just empty words.
    I have not attended church for many years, mainly because there is not an English Church anywhere near to me, or far … but even if there was I do wonder if I would go.
    I say my prayers, I believe in God and I am a Jesus Follower. I believe 100%.. but when I did go to church I discovered that a lot of people only went because it was the acceptable and right thing to do..not because they wanted to go.
    Others were down right hypocrites and went every week but did not live their lives as Christians.
    Me .. I love everybody, I forgive everybody and I accept everybody regardless of race, colour or religion and I am not a paragon of virtue.. I make mistakes but then I am human(I think).

    you really got me going on this I am going to stop!

  9. really liked this post. i am a “attend church regularly catholic, but not sure i believe and am doing it because i am in too deep to know how to get out and i am dragging four kids along for the ride.” ;o) i know all the reasoning behind the changes, was forewarned, and have still been screwing up the words since advent. good thing i believe in a forgiving God who doesn’t give a damn about semantics.

  10. Uh Oh…I haven’t been since Easter…I suppose I will be lost with the new words too. Thanks for the warning!

  11. writingandrecovering

    I am not Catholic but i don’t understand why they would change the words. People have so much other stuff on their minds now they have to remember to say something different than what they’ve been saying all their lives? Oh well

  12. I was raised Baptist (Southern Baptist at that) so I didn’t know about all of the group prayers, sayings, etc. until I was older.

    I like the ritualistic aspects of the different churches, but it doesn’t make sense that they would decide it time to tweak some of those things now.

    Oh and I StumbleUpon’d your post with tags of “catholic, religion and Christmas,” among others, so let me know if it helps your hits AND how many “you’re a bad person” comments you get. hahaha…

    • Wow! You can Stumble Upon me any time – 358 hits so far and counting. So far no “bad person” comments – but I’m sure it’s only a matter of time…

    • Geez. What kind of StumbleUpon powers do you have? I always get about 2 hits when I try it? Yours is now up to 736.

      • HAHA!!! That’s AWESOME!!

        I’m such a SU whore.

        You gotta make sure to put more tags in than what they originally offer (humor).

        I used these tags, catholic, humor, religion, adult-humor, Christmas, so maybe there were a lot of Catholic’s looking up adult humor stuff about Christmas.

        I just looked and apparently people like your posts better than mine because the last three of yours I put out there got (756, 245, 793-this one).

  13. Ha ha! Awesome. 🙂

    That made my morning. Thank you.

  1. Pingback: I’ve Gotta Feeling This Needs a Little More Thought… « whatimeant2say

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