J’aime ma soeur, Krach.

My sister, Crash, just got an iPhone.  The one I coveted, then decided wasn’t good enough, then coveted again when Cap’n Firepants declared he was contemplating an upgrade of his own.  iPhone upgrade, I mean.  Though he probably secretly thinks about trading me in for a better model, too.

Crash has never had an iPhone, and she is approaching this brave new world with all of the zeal of a drunken gorilla.  This is her trying to use FaceTime, iPhone’s video conferencing feature.

The big pic is Crash. People like to say she got the beauty and I got the brains. Actually, I think she's the one who says that.

So far, we haven’t FaceTimed each other yet.  Partly because I’m scared of her picture.  And partly because I enjoy trying to interpret her texts so much.

It’s not like she’s never texted before.  She has owned a cell phone.  But it apparently did not have autocorrect.  Either that or she has recently started smoking weed because I suddenly can’t understand twenty-five fifty-three percent of what she’s saying.

It reminds me of when she would call my dorm room in college and my roommate would pick up.  Roommate would say, “Hello!” then listen for a few moments and hand it to me.

“I think it’s your sister,” Roommate would say, hesitantly.  The implication being that she wasn’t absolutely sure it was not the crank caller who graced us weekly with pornographic rants, but was willing to hazard this guess because of the higher pitch of the voice and the lack of heavy breathing.

We had moved to Louisiana when my sister was about ten, and she had thrown herself into the culture wholeheartedly, somehow adopting an accent that was a combination of Cajun, Hillbilly, Southern Belle, and the Bronx.

Crash’s iPhone autocorrect appears to embrace different cultures with the same zeal as my sister.  Usually autocorrections bear some kind of similarity to the new words it suggests, and the replacements tend to be in the same language, but Crash’s autocorrections sometimes appear in another language altogether – bearing no resemblance to the original word at all.  Here are a couple of her recent ones regarding Wonderbutt’s new Zazzle store.

How in the world did she get autocorrect to put an inverted question mark?

Note the fancy caret symbol over the "a" in "hate." And "d'armure." Did her iPhone suddenly start speaking French?

It doesn’t help that even her communications that come through the way she intended sometimes have me scratching my head.  So, I’m continually asking myself if I should know what  she is talking about – or point out that she’s had another autocorrect malfunction.  This somewhat defeats the whole purpose of texting – a brief correspondence that cuts through all of the pomp and circumstance of an actual telephone conversation.  I spend more time deciphering Crash’s messages than I do on composing my blogs – which, believe it or not, is a lot of time.

Crash used to call me right after she sent an e-mail, and proceed to tell me everything that was in the e-mail.  I’m thinking she may have to do some texting follow-up calls as well.  I don’t want her to stop texting, though.  She is my human Wonderbutt.

If you’d like to read more about my feelings on autocorrect, click here😉


Posted on December 17, 2011, in Crash, Family, Humor, Relationships, Sisters, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 21 Comments.

  1. Oh my god. I can not read these in public. I laughed so hard and spit my coffee into my wife’s face. She is going to make me go out with her only over face time now. Btw, if this ends up being a duplicate, the iphone deleted the first on me.

  2. Have you ever read the F You Autocorrect site? Some of those are HYSTERICAL. I once got a text for a work related matter asking about a child’s Early Interventionist. I replied that as far as I knew she didn’t have one, but if she does I didn’t know who it was. Only instead of does, I accidentally typed “dies”.


  3. This is one of my favorites. She must have the newer iphone4s. What a machine!

  4. I feel the same way about my husband. If he stopped doing and saying such dumb stuff, I’d have to give up my blog.
    (and my autocorrect once changed seven to semen. It changed the context of my sentence just a tad.

  5. I’m with Bob – the laughter you induce comes like lightning!

  6. Guess I’m safer sticking with my old phone and no auto correct – since Bongo wouldn’t get the humor anyway.

  7. Hilarious! Tall person has problems with predictive text and the results are often funny but never in a different language. Love your name for her – “human Wonderbutt” 🙂

  8. Hilarious! Have you sent any of them into Damn You Autocorrect.com? Actually, my dumb new blackberry (only about 7 month old) will flake out on me quite a bit. It will start inserting foreign characters, accent marks,or put a TM symbol. It is so frustrating, because everthing looks fine and then I push send and I see it change stuff as I send it. Drives my brother insane!

    • Really? My iPhone never does anything that fun. I think the worse thing it’s ever done has been to change the name Sara to Sarasota. We were in Florida at the time, so I thought that was very astute of it to jump to that conclusion.

  9. I think Crash and I will have a lot in common when I (or if I) purchase a fancy phone. I’m a huge nerd, but I somehow missed the “I” everything craze. Now it just seems like too much work to catch up. 😦

  10. Ha! I’ve figured out your secret… why Crash has to be a nickname…

    Crash, is really Cher. Right? Those lips? Those eyes? MUST be her…


  11. the different language symbols is the best. i want to look smart on text like that!

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