I’ve Got Your List Right Here
First of all, I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions. I need immediate gratification. I pretty much make resolutions every hour, and I give myself a gold star if I accomplish at least one of them.
Secondly, even if I did make New Year’s Resolutions, I think it would be presumptuous of me to assume that you would be the slightest bit interested in what I feel like I need to improve.
Therefore, I’ve decided this post will be about what I feel like you need to improve. These are my Resolutions for the World:
- For every reality show you watch, you must exercise thirty minutes a day. If it’s Toddlers and Tiaras, you must run naked around an entire public park with a tiara on your head.
- If you participate in a reality show in any way, shape, or form (whether it be the production, the music, or even provide a single prop), you must donate a dollar to charity for every misconception you allow to appear on T.V. uncorrected. Unless you are a Kardashian. You ladies have to donate a hundred dollars per transgression.
- If you are an adult who participates in Toddlers and Tiaras, you must donate yourself to the local zoo as an attraction to be ogled for at least a month.
- You must read my blog at least once a day, or several times a day from different computers.
- Spay or neuter your cats and dogs so I don’t have to cry every time I hear Sarah McLachlan’s song from the ASPCA commercial.
- If you are a doctor, SEE YOUR PATIENTS AT THEIR SCHEDULED APPOINTMENT TIME, FOR GOD’S SAKE!!!!
- Stop voting for politicians for stupid reasons, like “they have good hair” or “they like chicken-fried steak.” But don’t vote for Donald Trump if he decides to run. No one with that hair can ever be taken seriously at World Summits.
- Laugh at least three times a day.
- Do something stupid at least once a day so other people can laugh. (If you need help, my sister, Crash, and I can give you pointers on this one.)
- Cure cancer.
I think that about covers it. I was going to give you a handy little checklist so you could keep track of your goals, but I don’t want to spoil you. Just print this out and stick it on your fridge. And, if my list seems a little too ambitious for you, just focus on the important parts, like #4 and #10, for this year. You can always build on your success in 2013.
Posted on January 1, 2012, in Crash, Humor, Politics and tagged ASPCA, humor, New Year's, politics, reality shows, resolutions, Sarah McLachlan, Toddlers and Tiaras. Bookmark the permalink. 42 Comments.
whatimeant2say 
Great list 🙂 I’ve already gotten a head start on many of these… 🙂
In between your blog performances and book chapters, can you work on that cancer cure, Idiot?
I see more Toddlers with Tantrums than Toddlers with Tiaras on that show. It’s the Train Wreck that keeps on wreckin’. They act more like Cinder-Smella than Cinderella.
And FYI- I read your blog from 2 different computers, every day- do I win something for that?
Absolutely. You get the prize of…
Drum roll, please
DRUM ROLL, PLEASE!!!!
Uh, okay. There will be no drum roll. Sorry about that. Apparently, the drum roll people are taking the day off. Anywho, where was I? Oh, yes, your lovely prize is inclusion on my Blog Roll. Awesome, huh?
Best prize ever! Can you see my princess wave and official princess bow? Remember, the higher the hair, the closer you are to Jesus. # Toddlers to Tramps
laughing. Myself. Silly.
If I want to just run naked through a park with a tiara on my head anyway, do I need to watch Toddlers and Tiaras first?
Because I’d really rather not.
And #8 for today was nicely taken care of by this post.
Since you were sweet enough to give me a compliment, I absolve you from any Toddler and Tiara watching. Just give me the time and date of the naked park running and you can check that off on your resolution list.
I like #5 too. I bawl my eyes out at those commercials!
Those commercials are so rotten because they pretty much effect the people who don’t need to be effected. If you have a heart, you wouldn’t abandon or abuse an animal in the first place!
I can’t listen to Sarah McLachlan because of those commercials.
Somehow I don’t see you being a big Sarah fan even without the commercials!
Those commercials should be banned ! R u giving away prizes
Yes. Which prize would you like? I have an empty toothpaste tube and a dead lizard. Take your pick.
I have never seen the commercial. And does it count if I already regularly do #1 for every single episode of Toddlers?
Yes. And you get double points if you do #1 for every episode that you DON’T watch of that evil show.
Could you buy me some extra computers so I can complete #4? I have to share this one with my person.
I also want to thank you for showing up as one of my Top 5 supporters on my annual stats. And I’m so glad I found your blog. It makes me laugh every day.
Well, now I feel bad – because you are in my Top 3 supporters! Hugs and kisses from Wonderbutt! I would give you some extra computers, but he ate them all.
And the funny thing is that I do exercise 30 minutes per day AND I routinely run around naked wearing a tiara. So there.
But…
Do you wear the tiara WHILE you are exercising naked in a park? We may have to call in the judges for this one…
I shouldn’t have read #5. And I definitely shouldn’t have searched for it on YouTube.
I’m sorry. Don’t look for the Willie Nelson one. It’s equally sad.
I have read your great post . but like you I do not make resolutions. If I did I would be prepared to follow everyone of them …but one thing I will do because i always do it anyway.
Is to read your blog everyday
As long as I know one person will read it, I will keep on posting!
So glad I don’t watch reality TV.
Don’t you think running naked through a park would be a nice way to prove your bravery in 2012?
Ha! Love your list. As for #5…99% of the TV I watch is on streaming, but I slipped and watched broadcast TV over the holidays. (What penance must I pay for getting sucked into Bravo marathons like Tabatha Takes Over?) I saw the ASPCA ad about 400 times in one afternoon. My son is now 100% aware of its effect on me and warned me that “that ad” was on “his” channel too. Back to streaming to save my tear ducts!
I was watching a Friends marathon, and every other commercial was the ASPCA one. I went from laughing my head off to bawling uncontrollably every 15 minutes.
Best list ever! Love the picture, too. I almost never watch TV, so I don’t recognize any of your reality-show references, but the thought of watching anything titled “Toddlers and Tiaras” makes me want to chew my own wrists open. So I think I’ve got 1, 2, and 3 covered. Lucky thing. It’s a little too nippy for nudity at this time of year. 🙂
Happy New Year!
You are so ahead of the game! I expect you to work on the cancer cure, then, since far too many people might get bogged down with the first few resolutions.
Um, I would like to point out that I occasionally watch Toddlers and Tiaras because it makes me feel like a balanced human being with good priorities. It’s winter here in Alberta, and running through a park naked, tiara or not, is akin to a suicide mission.
Can I at least wear snow boots?
I suppose I could compromise and allow snow shoes…
Love it. And the doctor thing, SERIOUSLY. I once waited an entire hour after my appointment. I’m busy, too.
I truly think the world would be a recognizably better place if the doctors would all work on that one resolution.
Hahahahaha! I’ve ticked off #4 🙂
Hooray! I think that means two loyal readers now!
I got #10 covered.
Thank goodness! Uh, can you give me an estimated date of completion on that one?
Great List! I will start working on that cure for cancer right away….
Great list! I don’t make them either, but I think we should follow your resolutions. I completely agree with all of them, especially the reality shows and Toddlers and Tiaras!!!
#8 and #9 are now on my list…thanks for reminding me that these should be part of my every day life!
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