What Part of Our Home is Being Improved?

I would be willing to lay Odds (who is Odds, anyway?) that there have been more marriages toppled by HGTV than by ESPN.

Of course, I have insider information that leads me to this conclusion.

My husband, Cap’n Firepants, is a mild football enthusiast.  He can take it or leave it, most of the time.  In fact, the more interested he is in the outcome of the game, the less probability there is that he will watch it.  He seems to think that his mere presence in front of the screen somehow negatively effects the results for his chosen team.

But he will be more than happy to sit in front of the T.V. for an entire Sunday watching shows about ripping out your kitchen or making your small patio into a mega outdoor living space.

And while I find the Cap’n’s choice of television shows slightly ironic, I have a bigger problem when he gets up from his armchair, inspired by the amazing makeovers he has been witnessing for hours.

This past weekend, we were spending a leisurely morning taking in one of the more ambitious of these DIY shows.  During the commercials we discussed what we hoped to accomplish during the weekend.  The Cap’n mentioned getting the Christmas tree down.  It had been standing forlornly with the lights wrapped around its branches ever since I removed the ornaments over a week ago, so I, of course, wholeheartedly approved this idea.

After the manly, testosterone-laden DIY show that had something do with crashing houses was over, I wandered off to begin my projects.  I heard the garage door open and close a few times indicating that the Cap’n was hard at work.

Then I heard the unmistakable sound of a tree being taken down our house crumbling down around us. I raced out to the living room to find the Cap’n slamming a hammer into the tile in our entryway.

“You are NOT taking down the Christmas tree!” I intelligently observed.

“I’m just exploring,” was his irritated response.

At this point, here is whatimeant2say:  Did I mention you’re a pirate captain, not friggin Marco Polo? And since when do explorers completely decimate every thing they come into contact wi- oops, bad metaphor.

“So, uh, what exactly are you exploring?”

“I’m just seeing how hard it is to remove the tile.”

“So you chose destroying the one piece of actual floor we have left, that visitors to our home who never make it past the storm door might see, over taking down the Christmas tree?”  Actually, I didn’t say that either.

I just said, “Oh.”  I can pack a LOT of power into that little word, believe you me.

To be fair, the rest of our flooring looks worse than this solitary island by our front door.  Wonderbutt, our bulldog (or my bulldog – depending how angry the rest of the family happens to be at him), pretty much destroyed our carpeting and rearranged the padding underneath, and the Cap’n decided staring at a concrete floor with a skin disease was better than the lumpy, partially shredded, giant diaper our carpet had become.  We are waiting on some estimates from people who will transform our concrete foundation into a glorious, polished, bodily fluid repelling work of art that costs less than 1 cent per square foot.

We’ve been waiting for awhile.

Wonderbutt's Idea of Interior Decorating

We were pretty sure the tile was going to be removed when we started the new flooring process.  But, apparently the Cap’n decided he wanted to see how hard it was going to be to eliminate the entire area by himself since he had nothing better to do.

Hard enough, I guess, that he decided not to complete the task.

Before the Exploratory Expedition of Cap'n Firepants


After (Shouldn't These Two Pictures Be Reversed?)

I am declaring a moratorium on HGTV until one of the following happens:

1.)  We get enough money to tear this place down and rebuild the house of our dreams

2.)  We get enough money to move to the house of our dreams

3.)  HGTV sends Carter Oosterhouse to build us the house of our dreams

The Man Who Could Save our Marriage


Posted on January 10, 2012, in Cap'n Firepants, Dogs, Family, Humor, Marriage, Wonderbutt and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 29 Comments.

  1. LMAO…. I know it’s not as funny when it’s happening to you…but it happens to all of us. Men seem to all be impacted by HGTV in the same way!

  2. My person is thinking I’m really good now since I only put stains on our carpet. Oh yeah, I forgot about the doors and the washing machine. I bet I could rip some tiles up too.

  3. Carter Oosterhouse..I have not seen his programmes and I do not need my house rebuilding but oh boy! he and I could work together quite well..what a lovely dish!

    As for your tiles…mmm Cap’t Firepants did make a difference but never mind just call it the ‘ Rustic look”, tell everyone that this is the fashion..then they will all want to do it

  4. If I want to amuse people I default to a home improvement project.

  5. I could have written about our floors and shown different pictures. If only hubby read my blog. Then maybe it would inspire him to finish these embarrassments -Ha!
    Fun post!!

  6. Wonder if Wonderbutt has been passing the Cap’n subliminal messages in his sleep…

  7. i am laying odds (only if he’s cute) on #3 and would it be possible to lay him as well?

  8. I feel your pain…we have tons of unfinished “it looks ok now, but if I tore it down and redid it, it would look great” projects. Holes drilled in our front door, halfway painted walls, ripped up carpetting, etc. Each time I see a “we buy ugly houses” sign for those companies that buy your trashed house for pennies; I think of our home and wonder if it would be worth it to just sell our house “as is”.

  9. We once came home from a visit to my grandmother’s to find out that my dad had a) torn down the side wall of the garage in order to make the garage narrower (why? because…), b) in the process, crushed the swingset with a garage-wall, c) started plans and purchasing to build a new swing-set, from scratch. At least he waited until he was alone to let inspiration strike 🙂

  10. Chancy, Mumsy and Crew

    I laughed so hard tears were rolling while reading this. Hope you don’t have to wait too much longer for either a new floor or your dream home. Hugs

  11. Hahahahahahaha! You left him alone after he had watched a DIY show? Clearly a big mistake 🙂

  12. writingandrecovering

    You need to win one of those complete home maker show things.

  13. Uh oh Cap’n! Well, I guess he is able to remove the tile… I am glad I wasn’t the only one that still had their sad Christmas tree still up. It finally came down Sunday.

  14. My condolences to your poor floors! Is the Cap’n sleeping in Wonderbutt’s bed now?

  15. 2Say: SHE wants to know if you could manage to send Carter to HER house? SHE’S willing to break tiles and explore if Carter would come and “improve” our home. You remind HER that everyday life is funnier that an comedy show!

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