Just Call Me Nostradumpyass

OK.  Don’t panic.  Do.  Not.  Panic.

Stop!  Why are you panicking?  Did I not just tell you DON’T PANIC?!!!!

Yeah.  I know. It didn’t work with me either.

I don’t know what you’re not panicking about.  But here is my most recent disaster.

I tried to put on my jeans yesterday, and they did not fit.


I kind of suspected that day was coming, but it was still a pretty tough blow when it happened.

So, I panicked.

But nobody knew it.  I inner-panicked.  That is my clever way of secretly panicking without anyone knowing.  It requires great will-power.  Almost as much will-power as not eating so much that one goes up a pants size.

No tantrums or tears.  No boxing up my entire closet to truck on over to Goodwill.

Just a very quiet panic while I looked for some more forgiving jeans that say they are the same size, but obviously can’t be because they fit fine.

Finding the forgiving jeans helped to reduce the major panic to a slightly less heart-attack inducing one.  Slightly.

I know why this happened.  When I first started this blog, I posted an article about my desire to be a writer.  The post was entitled, “I Might Get Fat.”

And I did.

Granted, I have not become a published awriter.  And I have not quit my job.  Two of the contributing factors to my then future fear of getting fat.  But, don’t you think the fact that I predicted something happening and it has now happened is more than just a mere coincidence?

Maybe, it is the fault of my Irritating Bogus Diagnosis that has absolutely no medical explanation but continues to make my life miserable, changing my once fairly consistent diet into some wild roller coaster ride of experimental foods as I continue my quest for something that won’t nauseate or constipate me.

Or, maybe it’s because whenever I feel like panicking, I internalize it, and I am now bloating up with all of those undigested panics.

Perhaps, it is a sympathy weight gain to show my love for my dear bulldog, Wonderbutt, who tips the scales at 65 pounds, about 250 pounds more than he is supposed to weigh, apparently.

Do these jeans make me look fat?

Who cares?  When a tsunami flattens your house and you are clinging to an indestructible, eco-friendly, buoyant dog toy for dear life, do you waste your time wondering why this happened?

I must come up with a Plan.

On the bright side, I don’t have to worry about quitting my job to be a writer making me fat since I already am.  Fat, I mean.  Not a writer.  Well, I am a writer.  Just not paid for it.

I shall ponder that while I eat my Hostess Ding Dong.  Hey, at least I’m not filing for bankruptcy.  Because that was totally unforeseeable during these health trendy times…


Posted on January 16, 2012, in Blogging, Depression, Humor, Wonderbutt, Work, Writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 36 Comments.

  1. I feel your pain! It causes me to have a panic attack when that happens even if I knew it was coming. But to make you feel better, it is just you that can tell- no one else will ever know if you are in your more “forgiving” jeans. 🙂

  2. I feel your pain, too. I have to lose about 25 pounds, and am so sick of saying that! I just signed up at bitchyourselfthin.com and I really like it.

  3. Okay, you made me laugh, and want to cry a bit! I have been in those shoes, fortunately right now I am in the opposite shoes as I quite eating all sugary products. Well sugar product that were not made by nature. Although I am sure my love for bananas contributed to my now having to limit the kinds of carbohydrates I eat. The next step is adding in exercise. Good news is I lost 20 lbs, now just another 80 and I will be set! Haha! Okay I have been in your shoes a few times more than I would like to admit! Haha…

    Love the pic of your Bully, I want a bully so bad, and it is weird because I normally go for purse pooches! Nope not this time, I want an English Bulldog! There is something about them that are just calling to me right now!

    Hey I do want to mention that on one of my blogs I am sponsoring a writers contest for charity. You can check it out at http:www.the777man.com. We want to have a lot of fun with this. I am subscribing, to your blog as I did enjoy the read greatly. Blessings Sj (Sallyjane)

  4. Ooops, typing error… http://www.the777man.com is where the writing contest is… Blessings Sj

  5. writingandrecovering

    I completely understand. I just gave up wearing jeans. I’ve been wearing dresses, yoga pants, sweat pants, and leggings since my sophomore year of high school. I don’t even know why I still own a pair of jeans.

    • I love skirts and dresses. They are the ultimate forgivers. People at school ask me why I dress up, and it’s because I don’t want to put out a student’s eye when a pants button flies across the room.

  6. I’m a guy so I really shouldn’t comment except that the wife wants to steal Wonderbutt.

  7. I’m with Bob. Except we don’t really want Wonderbutt.
    The writing is great though.

  8. I think I need to get some of those forgiving jeans.

  9. Tall or short
    Fat or thin
    Square or long

    whatever shape you are we shall always love you and adore you, what does shape matter it is what is in your heart that counts..

    My worst disaster was when I find my first grey hair on my head…now I have given up counting..I just bleach them and then they are all the same…

  10. I love the part about boxing up your clothes – I have various sizes in boxes in my basement as I got tired of buying a new wardrobe each time my weight fluctuated 🙂

  11. They shrunk in the wash – there can be no other reasonable explanation 🙂

  12. I love those forgiving jeans that have a small size on the tag, even though you know they are not. I love Denial.

  13. My Fitness Pal. It will change your life, much like a stint in San Quentin.

  14. i suffer from Blogger’s Butt. there is no *known* cure for it. i hope you do not suffer from it as well. and even if you do, take heart because you have predicted the FUTURE and that is FAR more important than jeans fitting.

  15. That’s definitely a panic moment I can relate to. Go with the “shrunk in the wash” excuse! I’ve managed to lose 15 lbs of fat and gain 7 lbs of muscle on the 90 Day Challenge. Let me know if you want details. 🙂

  16. I blame Kayjai and her Dorito influence on my blogger’s butt.

  17. I feel your pain. After unsuccesfully trying to get into my jeans with a shoe horn and a can of Crisco, I’ve resorted to dresses with tights. I could blame it on the holidays, but I know it’s been the blogging. I’ve taken this past week off from blogging and hit the gym again because I refuse to buy the next size up in jeans. Damn it, this sucks! Maybe we should try blogging on a treadmill.

  1. Pingback: I Know What You’re Thinking… « whatimeant2say

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