Things You Should Never Google

After my nauseating results from doing an image search for “big toe” the other day, I realize that I really should be a little less quick to hit the magnifying glass on search engines.  I have had a few times that my results have been more than eye-opening, and I really should know better by now.

Undesirable consequences of searches have plagued me practically since the infancy of internet search engines.  About 20 years ago, apparently when things were a little more willy-nilly on the World Wide Web, I was trying to find some lesson plans for Louisa May Alcott’s book, Little Women.

That was my first indication that there are some truly sick people out there with photo uploading skills.

And, yet, decades later, I still enter impulsive terms into that little search window, assuming that my own narrow and naive interpretation of the phrase is the only possibility that will be considered by the wide nets being cast by the likes of Yahoo and Google.

One time, after hearing the phrase on T.V., I looked up “camel toe”, innocently believing that it had to do with some kind of footwear faux pas.  Yeah, uh, no.  Interestingly enough, 3 people have reached my blog by searching for “sally field camel toe.”  And now that I’ve typed that, there may be more.

The camel's toe is probably the last body part I would have suspected of contributing to my search anxiety. How about the "hump?"

When I first started this blog, and assigned our bulldog the pseudonym of Wonderbutt, I one day became curious about how that Google search might turn out.

Yes, I am that stupid.

In my post that referenced roller-skating, I got a completely astonishing list of sites when I typed in “couples skate” looking for an image.  I really could have done without that sexual revelation for the remainder of my life – which will probably be much shorter due to the complete shock to my heart induced by those results.

And then there are the searches that I knowingly make in the interest of research, fully aware that I am treading on dangerous ground.  Yesterday’s post made me curious about octopus testicles, which was a frustrating quest, to say the least.  Apparently, the creatures do have some, but there seems to be an ongoing internet war as to whether they are located in the head or the mantle or if those happen to be the same thing.  After a few minutes trying to weed through this catalogue of conflicting information, I realized I really didn’t care, and got sidetracked by several videos posted about a poor weatherman who apparently said that Paul the Octopus had testicles.

I don’t believe in censorship, but I’m beginning to think I need a filter to protect me from myself.  Being a teacher, I never thought I’d say this – but there are times when a little more education can be way too much.

photo credit: <a href=””>Ernie Reyes</a> via <a href=””>photopin</a&gt; <a href=””>cc</a&gt;

Posted on January 22, 2012, in Blogging, Humor, Writing and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 48 Comments.

  1. I hope you don’t filter…I love the uncensored version of your take on every day life.

  2. I fought the urge to research couples skate. Though my insatiable curiosity is poking me relentlessly. Though I consider myself quite worldly I find myself shocked at times too. Though nothing quite tops the time much mother, who works for my company, once fled the office in embarrassment after searching something she believed quite benign.

  3. I tried to find a door knocker that looked like a pair of boobs for my husbands man cave. You can imagine what I came up with. And sadly….. No one makes boob door knockers.

  4. Internet searches are no longer allowed in my house as part of a class project. If a search has to be done, I do it. My son once looked up images of a hummingbird moth and there was a nearly-nude pic that showed up. UGH! Double ugh.

  5. Now I’m not sure if I’ve only had good luck in my searches or if I scrolled through the bad pics and blocked them out of my memory. I’ll probably be looking for them next time.

  6. I suddenly have the urge to google wonderbutt! Lol

  7. Miranda Gargasz

    The internet scares me…..

  8. I really want to Google all of those things, but I’m afraid they will come up when my son types in something innocent that he is looking for. Or that if someone ever seizes my computer, it will come up in court that I was into “couples skating” or had a thing for “camel toe” images, lots of them. I just can’t take those kinds of chances.

  9. Someone recently found my blog by searching for “super stuffed girl.”
    I wonder if my recipe for super stuffed baked potatoes was really what they wanted…

  10. I will never forget the time my mother wanted more information about a book she saw on Oprah. She typed the words “forty plus mature women” and…yeah.

  11. At this point, I’m surprised when even teh most innocuous searches don’t turn up some kind of porn.
    A sign of the apocalypse perhaps?

  12. Don’t get me started on things not to Google. Unless you want to get a phone call from Mr. Hurley on the big white telephone.

  13. There is disturbing stuff on the internet. But sometimes that just makes life more fun.

  14. Okay, so found your blog awhile back and promptly forgot your blog name. I rememered Wonderbutt’s name, so I Googled that. Yikes. They do make some butt lifting underwear that look kinda interesting though.

    As far as the perverts go, the guy who found my blog by the Google search “licking peanut butter off a little girls toes” still creeps me out the most. Sorry if he finds you now that I’ve typed that

  15. It is truly shocking what some people put on the net – over the years I have learned how to use the back button with a quickness 🙂

  16. I like to google “Google” to see how shameless their self-promotion is.

  17. 8 year old had a project on wetland animals…………….yeah. it scared me.

  18. If you think search engines are bad, stay FAR away from Urban Dictionary. When I’m clueless about colloquialisms and other popular terminology my boyfriend thinks its funny to send me there to find out their meanings. Bad idea.

  19. It was the seemingly innocent word ‘cowboy’. We were studying cowboys and indians in the preschool class I was teaching. It was a whole different education when I searched this word.

  20. Hah! That reminded me of the time I did a google image search for “Young Girl With Big Horse” without my safe search turned on – not advisable b.t.w. 😉

    Very funny – so glad randomreasoning pointed me in your direction with her Liebster Award post – so well deserved! 🙂

    So, I guess the only downside is, you’ll now be dealing with my random comments, but I guess there’s always a price to pay, right? 😉

    🙂 K.

  21. Awesome!!! I just couldn’t help but read when I saw the title!

  1. Pingback: Sometimes It’s Better Not to Know « whatimeant2say

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