Don’t Pretend this Doesn’t Happen to You

This post is dedicated to The Dictator.  She knows why.

Some dogs, like our dear young bulldog, Wonderbutt, have a startling habit, which I shall title The Poop as You Walk Habit.

This habit is a somewhat comical sight, or at its worst an inconvenience, when the dog happens to be walking on his own property.  You can almost bring yourself to admire the dog’s multi-tasking skills.  But it tends to disturb other people when the dog goes off the reservation, so to speak.  Especially if the dog happens to choose a neighboring reservation for the deposition of said poop.

Now, this is not really an uncommon problem.  This is why many neighborhoods have rules about cleaning up after your dog.  Rightly so.  (Although I would like to make a side note that this rule is clearly not enforced for anyone else in our neighborhood since we regularly find foreign dog poop in our front yard.)

Anyway, the previous dogs that we have had in our family have not had The Poop as You Walk Habit.  Mrs. P.I.B., our golden retriever, has been a model of pooping behavior for most of her 10 years.  And, the rest of our family, including my 9 year old daughter, seems to be fairly good at waiting until we get home, too.  So, we have gotten out of the Bring a Bag When You Walk Habit.

This is exacerbated by the fact that we have gotten out of the Walk Habit altogether since it is Winter.  However, we decided a walk was just what the Firepants family needed on a recent particularly chilly 70 degree day.  Cap’n Firepants determined that he should stay behind to guard the house from Indians, so it was up to Dimples and me to protect the dogs from varmints and other dangers during our walk around the block.

Picture this.  It’s a beautiful day in Texas, and you and your daughter are accompanying your canines on a happy-go-lucky tour of the territory, giving Wonderbutt much-needed exercise and Mrs. P.I.B. much-needed attention from admirers who are also enjoying the fresh air. (Mrs. P.I.B. has always drawn the most compliments when we walk.  Even when Dimples was a baby in the stroller, people would come up to us and tell me how beautiful my dog was, completely ignoring my stunningly attractive infant.)

You are about halfway through your jaunt, and Dimples says, “Uh oh.”  You freeze, because you know there are only two things that “Uh oh” in that tone can mean.  Either Dimples just passed gas – which really wouldn’t need an “Uh oh” out in the fresh air, or –

Crap.

“Quick.  You can run faster than me!  Take his leash!” I yell frantically.  We tangle up the leashes for Mrs. P.I.B.  and Wonderbutt in our haste.  Mrs. P.I.B. is more than willing to run, even with her old arthritic joints, and Wonderbutt is more than willing to continue jogging in the opposite direction so he can finish his business facing the same way he started.

Finally untangled, Dimples begins the dash.

But it is too late.

And, of course, there are plenty of people to witness our shame.

At least it’s not in someone’s yard; it’s on the street.

Where everyone walks and jogs because we have no sidewalks.

Where young mothers push their strollers.

I make a big show of gathering large leaves and collecting Wonderbutt’s piles while Mrs. P.I.B. and the rest of the neighborhood watch me.  The Channel 5 News crew televises my crime to the rest of the city and outlying areas.

Dimples and Wonderbutt are long gone around the corner.

After pushing the mess into a nearby sewer grate, I make the shameful walk home with a puzzled Mrs. P.I.B.

Cap’n Firepants greets us at the door, shaking his head, having already surmised when Wonderbutt and Dimples burst into the house, what crime I have yet again committed.

I hate beautiful days.

One more thing I shouldn't have Googled - courtesy of Bun Bags

Unfortunately, Wonderbutt has no tail to speak of, so the above device would not be of any use to us anyway. Aside from the fact that I would forget to affix it.

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Posted on January 23, 2012, in Cap'n Firepants, Dimples, Dogs, Family, Humor, Memory Loss, Mrs. P.I.B., Wonderbutt and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 37 Comments.

  1. I am sooo glad that Piper mainly just goes in the back yard!

  2. Well, I did start reading this post with a completely different idea in mind – from experience the “poop as you walk” definition from my goggies is when you are on-route with poo bags in hand (I take no chances) and goggie decides they need ‘to go’ but is so excited that while ‘evacuating’ still tries to walk/waddle along because.. i dunno, they don’t want their heartrate to drop…or something. *sigh*

    Count yourself lucky – waddling-poop-puppy is much more embarrassing!

  3. Hi!
    Oh my gosh, did we ever laugh…. we laugh because our Trevor does the same thing. Lifts that collies tail while walking and well.. you know. So don’t feel like you are alone. One thing is we get a warning for Trevor lifts his tail and we know it is coming. We love your blog and when we read about them getting tangled and wonderbutt still multi-tasking we have to say we were laughing our…. well you know… off…. heheheh

    Great Blog!

    Your friends!
    The Collies and Chuck 🙂

  4. Great story. I love the pictures especially! This brings to mind the slow motion beach scene on Marley and Me when the dog poops on the beach, haha.

    • I only read the book. Was it in that? I don’t remember. All I remember is the scene in the book when he is tied to a table at an outdoor cafe, and decides to run after a passing female dog, dragging the table with him. We had a similar experience with Wonderbutt once.

  5. Oh my goodness that is insane. The only time I ever had a dog was when I lived with my grandma in Montana and she walks her dogs in the mountains behind her house so it doesn’t matter where they do their business.
    You’re hilarious.

  6. “Poop as You Walk”…Dante does the same thing. But thank goodness it’s tiny poop! Now I know what to call this “accident”. Thanks Wonderbutt for another big laugh!

  7. This happens to me all the time. Unfortunately, I don’t have a dog.

  8. Phoebe is a traveler. We have a rule that she doesn’t get walkies if she doesn’t go poop ahead of time because I will not let her poop in other people’s yards. She can drop a load without breaking heel position. I am not sure if I should be proud of her or hide her in the basement.

    • We trained Mrs. P.I.B. that way, too. But, Wonderbutt defies all reason. He can poop right after he has already pooped. Even when he hasn’t eaten for 12 hours. He does it on purpose, I’m sure.

  9. the poop catcher!! That is hilarious!

  10. “Bun bags”! Thanks for my morning laugh! Yet another term I won’t need to search on the internet thanks to you. 🙂

  11. Why no, that in fact never happens to me. As far as anyone knows. Because I avoid the news vans like the plague.

  12. Isn’t it a great fact of life that the most embarassing incidents make for the best posts (and this one’s no exceptation!) 😀

    And yes this has never happened to me, but simply b/c I don’t own a dog.

    I’ve never been trusted with anything larger than a hamster for a pet and considering his untimely demise (starving in a crack between the fridge and the wall where he got himself stuck) I’m guessing this is a good thing.

    Although I still believe this wouldn’t have happened it I had gotten the pet – tiger (or pony) I really wanted instead of poor deceased “Flash”! 😉

    • Well, the pony is taken care of with the ingenious Bun Bags that have been invented for your convenience. I’m not sure about the tiger. I think he would at least do me the favor of eating me afterward.

  13. I hate to ask, but does darling Wonderbutt also do the “post-poop scoot”? You know the one, where the dear pet drops their load, so to speak, and proceeds to scoot their bum around on the ground? My dog likes that method, to my utter chagrine.

    My least favorite was riding horses that adhered to the Poop As You Walk habit. To help them avoid internal stress, as a rider, you have to stand up in your saddle and lean forward. The result is that both equine and rider look like they’re trying to drop a deuce.

    Whatever would we do without animals?

  14. I sometimes have to shove Bongo aside as he tries to poop in the middle of the trail where everyone walks.

  15. This is why I like cats better…well…they are smarter and many other wonderful traits, but most importantly, they poop in the same place every day…some can even be trained to use the toilet. Of course, way more cats can’t be trained to do anything, but who’s counting.

  16. Congrats! I’ve selected you as one of my Crack Up winners. No this is not a scam! Come on I’m a fellow blogger, would I do that?? Please refer to my Humor Me post @ http://www.opinionatedmommy.wordpress.com for more details. As a recipient of this Oscar caliber award you must follow a few simple rules so as to pay it forward thus keeping your fellow bloggers inspired, and all of their followers laughing! Below are the rules. And by the way, You’re Welcome, my pleasure! KP Now for the aforementioned rules:

    1. Post the LOL (laugh out loud, for you non-texters out there) badge on your blog

    2. Write a post that includes the following:

    a. a thank you to the person who gave you the award (include a link to their blog)

    b. a clean joke or limerick (just look one up and copy it into your post if you don’t know one- it can even be a knock knock joke!)

    c. a list of five other blogs (linked) that you’re giving the award to- so we can find more laughs

    3. Notify the five other blogs that you’ve given them the award and explain to them that they need to copy and paste these instructions on their blog… and complete them

    4. And, I think that’s it. This should be a compliment and simple to do… and help to spread the laughs around.

  17. Hilarious!!! Miss my lovely dog, but glad that the cats keep their business a little more discreet!!!! (One of these days, we will have to train them to use the toilet – I am sure we can learn!!!)

  18. Wish I could have seen that! Too funny and some of these comments are comical!

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