Four Headings and a Funeral

Animal Insemination.

This is the one occupation I have narrowed it down to that will get respect in 20 years for the special skills that it demands which cannot be replicated by computers – or by people who have spent an hour doing research on the internet.

Saturday Night Live recently aired a skit in which the actors were from the “You Can Do Anything” generation.  As Bill Hader stated, “thanks to technology and everyone being huge pussies about everything, it doesn’t matter if you have skills, training, or years of experience: You can do it.”

We are the monster the internet has created – a world of “experts” in everything from desktop publishing to video production.  We can diagnose illnesses, compose symphonies, and whip up 5 course meals that you would find in 20 star restaurants.  We’re all great at everything.

Since it’s hard to get famous for doing something that everyone else is doing (and quite a few are actually good at), I have been reconsidering my writing aspirations.  I mean, if I want enough strangers at my funeral willing to perform a flash mob routine in my honor (since my friends and family will probably decline), then I’ve got to do something a little more noteworthy that requires a little less effort on my part to define myself as uniquely qualified.

The trick is to find something that is not so far beyond my intellect it would be impossible for me to do, yet not so easy that it has diagrams and videos posted on

I have to admit, I got the animal insemination idea after doing yet another one of my dubious Google searches.  I was looking for chicken sexer, because I had once heard of that job, and thought it might be a possible candidate for my list.  Upon further research, however, I feel confident that chicken sexing will also one day be done over the internet, using Skype, so I can’t really include that one on the list.  Unless genetic engineering precludes that, making the whole process obsolete anyway.

Animal insemination, though, would be difficult to do through a computer.

I briefly considered garbage collection, but now that our garbage collectors don’t even have to get out of the truck anymore, I have a feeling there will not be a lot of open positions.

A few other occupations that I’m on the fence about are:

Golf ball diver

This one would be impossible to do over a computer.  However, will there be anything but virtual golfing available as a sport in a few years?  Are people actually going to be getting off their tuckuses to do anything outside?  I think not.  Sorry, Mr. Golf Ball Diver.  You better start looking for another job.

Funeral Director

Well, I think the Directing of the Funeral could be done over the computer.  Heck, the whole ceremony will probably be done online by then.  I’m not really sure about the embalming process.   So, that’s a possibility.

Crime Scene Investigator

This would be difficult to do over the internet.  However, since I consider myself an expert in this already due to my addiction to C.S.I., I suspect that there are already a few other couch potatoes I would have to vie with for a position.

Crap.  I just thought of cloning.  What’s going to happen to the poor animal inseminators, then, when that hits it big?

I Change My Answer to Embalmer

After all, they’ve been around since King Tut.

I shall be the famous Embalmer.  And people will dance at my funeral, as is fitting for a world-renowned, not everyone can be good at this, Embalming Expert.

Or, I could just go into wrestling.

“The Embalmer” vs. “The Inseminator”

You’d pay for that, right?

photo credit: <a href=””>phauly</a&gt; via <a href=””>photopin</a&gt; <a href=””>cc</a&gt;

Posted on January 25, 2012, in Blogging, Death, Humor, Writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 25 Comments.

  1. You forgot dog walker. Wonderbutt and I will not be satisfied being walked on Skype.

  2. If anyone asks you what you do for a living, I don’t recommend saying you inseminate animals for a living (I have some great stories on the topic, though they are other people’s stories). I’d say “I’m in collections.”

  3. Oh my goodness – I would love a flash mob at my funeral!

  4. I would absolutely pay to watch that. Though I’m not going to describe the mental image that accompanies that thought…

  5. I think you’ll find that you have to compete with the great Sherlock Holmes for the CSI couch potato.

    There’s a brilliant scene in the first episode of the BBC series 2 of “Sherlock” that has John Watson at the crime scene with a laptop and a webcam, and Sherlock is at home at Baker Street…on the couch…clad in nothing but a sheet…analyzing the crime scene.

    If you can beat that, I will dance at your funeral.

  6. You could always become a drug tester. Virtual drug testers are not really helpful. Aldous Huxley didn’t do any of his work online.

  7. Crime Scene Investigator may be short lived because what I have learned from TV is that there are cameras everywhere. Before long you won’t be able to do anything that isn’t on film. Investigators will need only look at film to find the culprit in a case.
    If he’s wearing a mask, they can just keep following him camera to camera along his escape route until he removes the mask.

  8. Go to cosmetology school. No matter what jobs can be done via the net, women are too vain to go gray. Become a fabulous colorist and you’ll never want for work!

  9. Computers will one day rule the world and there will no longer be any need for humans. Not that there isn’t now. If the human race ended life on earth would actually florish. Kinda sad to think about, really.

  10. You know…you are already a skilled pooper scooper…all you would need is a little advertising…

  11. I have no idea about anything you wrote, but the fact that one of the tags for this post is “chicken sexer” makes me super happy. As an added super happy bonus, my iPad autocorrected it to “chicken Seder”. Which has levels upon levels of irony.

  12. Ha! Love it. You make me laugh…and that’s a good thing on a stressful day!

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