whatimeant2say This Morning

Starbucks this morning, 6:50 AM

Starbucks Speaker:  Hello.  What can I get started for you today?

Me:  A venti, non-fat mocha (whatimeant2sayFor the love of God, please give me something that will help me feel like I can make it through this miserable day on 5 hours of sleep!)

Starbucks Speaker:  garble, garble, mocha

Me: Uh, yes, but please make it non-fat.

Starbucks Speaker:  I said that.

Me:  O.K.  (whatimeant2sayHey!  I couldn’t hear you!  And I have been having issues with my weight lately.  My jeans suddenly stopped fitting and I’m having self-confidence problems in addition to the mysterious stomach illness that my doctor cannot seem to diagnose or treat, and the last thing I need is to spend my day feeling guilty about the designer coffee I ingested with FAT MILK – or feeling angry at a grumpy Starbucks Speaker.)

I drive up to the window.  No one is there.  Finally, a woman comes up to the window.  She is fumbling with register tape or something, but eventually looks at me.

Evil Czarista (impatiently):  Yes?

She glares at me as though I have just interrupted her in the middle of launching a nuclear missile.

Evil Czarista (more impatiently):  What can I do for you?

Me:  Uh, venti non-fat Mocha?  (whatimeant2sayDidn’t I just go through this with you at the speaker?  And, didn’t you ask me, “What can I start for you?”  Doesn’t that imply that, upon receiving my statement, you will actually start creating my drink so that it will be close to ready by the time I arrive at this window?  So, I won’t have to ask for it again?)

Evil Czarista: garble, garble, skinny mocha

Me: Yeah (whatimeant2sayOh, that’s what you said before, isn’t it?  Can you tell me this: why is it easier for you to say “skinny” instead of “non-fat?”  Aren’t they both two-syllable comments?  And, how do I know that “skinny” doesn’t just mean 2% milk?  Because, to me, NO FAT would actually be more how I would describe an “emaciated” person, not a skinny one.  Of course, “emaciated” is 5 syllables – which would totally blow the whole concept of abbreviating the order.)

I wait as another girl meanders in, and E.C. tells her my order.  She begins to make the drink.  I stare at the overflowing trash can that is the center focus of the drive-through window, wondering if they have already filled it that much this morning or if no one bothered to take it out last night.

Evil Czarista:  garble, garble

Me:  O.K.  (whatimeant2sayHow do you sound like you are still talking through a speaker that has its wires crossed when you are speaking to me directly from 2 feet away?  I am assuming you want my money since you are holding out the palm of your hand.)

I give her the money.

And I stick a tip in the jar.  Yes, I’m a doormat.

Evil Czarista:  Here.

She hands me the coffee.

Me:  Thanks (whatimeant2addfor making the start of my day even worse than it appeared when I got up this morning.  And I will be taking this directly to the lab to make sure it is NON-FAT.  And that you didn’t spit in it.)

With that kind of attitude, I may have to start going to the one across the street.

photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/hannasmith/3876511753/”>hanna_ms</a&gt; via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/”>cc</a&gt;

Posted on February 7, 2012, in Annoyances, Humor and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 16 Comments.

  1. And this is why I don’t bother with Starbucks. That and I don’t drink coffee, but I consider that a simple technicality.

  2. I do the same thing. They say “here” and I say “thanks”. Then I wonder why I keep going to places that treat me badly. 🙂

  3. campbellsoup614

    That’s annoying BUT you live in LOUISIANA?!!!! wooohooo it’s only the BEST state ever! 🙂 Just saying….

  4. When did good customer service go out of style? Maybe it’s cause people tip even for bad service. 😉

  5. This is a scream. After several days of similar snarking I figure out it may be a lack of sleep on my part. Still….I continually wonder how stupid people can be and why they cross my path.

  6. With all the job shortages these days you’d think people who have jobs would express their pleasure at having them – or employers would express their displeasure with employees with foul attitudes and find someone else. Garble. garble.

  7. Hilarious 🙂 I trust it was non-fat spit 🙂

  8. Hilarious!
    i hate trying to order from starbucks. “I want a small” “Tall?” “Small – smallest size you posess that is not the tiny espresso/pill-cup”
    I never end up ordering what I thought I was ordering, by the end of it, because anything more complicated than ‘tea’ ends up wiht them trying to explain to me why I can’t order what I just said, and me changing my order to something simpler. I can only imagine this would make me a complete fail at their drive-thru (which no starbucks near me has… is this new?)

  9. blech. i always have great service at starbucks, so i am sad to hear this. it might be because most of the time starbucks employees see my pre-coffee face and know better than to f with me? possibly.

  10. Hilarious but horrible. People can suck sometimes. I don’t care that it’s early and you’re tired. I am too but I didn’t snap at you. You’re paid to be nice to the costumers! *end mini rant*

  11. OY, the things we go through for our coffee. I LOVE the fact that in the small town I live in I can go to the (one and only) cafe three mornings a week (during preschool) and they’ll automatically begin making me exactly what I want!!

  12. You’re so right about the garble garble! I refuse to use their stupid way of labeling the sizes, so I just order the “mid” size.

    I only drink the hot cider at Starbucks, which is divine, but I too am often offended by the service. Last time, the girl making it kept coughing while she worked. Ick. I guess they put drive throughs in so the customers can’t see them spreading germs on our tasty beverages.

  13. Sad that you received such poor service at Starbucks…every time we go through the drive-thru at our Starbucks, Dante gets his own teeny tiny cup with just a dab of Non-Fat milk.

  14. You are going to the wrong Starbucks, my friend! The ones I frequent are overly friendly. I make fun of Jason because he refuses to say skinny there and says non-fat and everytime they correct him.

  15. I’m glad I don’t drink Coffee…..

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