I’ll Just Blame it on the Dog

Still recovering from my whirlwind trip down the red carpet in my Vera Wang gown, I find myself back in the real world once again tasked with the mundane.  Today’s challenge – wrapping a baby shower gift.

I am the Worse Wrapper in the World.  Note the “w” in “wrapper”.  Because I can totally rap, I’m telling you.  As long as no one is watching me.  But I can’t wrap to save my life -with or without an audience.

I am good about buying the gift ahead of time, but that’s where my planning and foresight usually end.  I focus completely on finding the perfect gift.  Wrapping it never crosses my mind while I am actually at the store where I could, perhaps, find some suitable attire for my well-chosen present.  Because I generally skip that step in the whole thinking ahead process, I typically find myself frantically turning the house inside out as I look for appropriate packaging an hour or so before the event.

This baby shower gift is a perfect example.  I actually did momentarily pause in the gift wrapping aisle on my way to the register.  But I told myself that I did not need to spend more money on its dressing than the gift, and besides, I had the perfect bag in which to place the gift at home.  I don’t know what possessed me to think this.  My only daughter is nine.  Since I never buy bags, and it’s been nearly a decade since I’ve received any baby gifts, why would I have a BABY SHOWER bag in my closet?

After hesitating over using a quite salacious Abercrombie and Fitch bag instead, I settled on wrapping paper.  Amazingly, there was a roll of appropriately patterned paper in the closet.  And, there was just enough left on the roll to wrap the gift.

Or so I thought.

The other dumb thing I tend to do when buying gifts is purchase irregularly shaped gifts.  Which is not a major problem when using a gift bag, but completely overwhelms me when I am wrapping.  Completely.

And the pressure was worse because I knew I only had one shot.  If I messed this up, the only thing left was the A&F bag.  I briefly considered covering the A&F bag with duct tape.  But that stuff is expensive.  MacGyver may have an unlimited budget, but I live on a teacher’s salary.

I am hopeless at this.  The only thing I’m worse at is cooking and, oh joy, I am supposed to bake a dessert to bring tomorrow, as well.  Do these people not know me, by now?  Do they just hope, as time goes by, that I’m going to improve in these areas?  Or do they just revel in watching me squirm over things I find impossible?  Probably that.

I think that they are jealous of my Award Shelf, and feel like I must be put in my place on a regular basis to keep me humble.

Well, that’s not gonna work.

So, I was cruising for pics for this post (I had one of the actual bad wrapping job I did, but somehow deleted it), and I came across an actual service that DELIBERATELY wraps things badly - called, appropriately enough, CrapWrap. You could pay them - or have me do it. Your choice.

Posted on February 21, 2012, in Humor and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 38 Comments.

  1. I love to wrap presents. I’ve even double boxed stuff and wrapped both (actually I think it was 6 boxes all wrapped inside eachother). Maybe I’ll make a video demonstration someday. You could rap in the background. I’m pretty sure we would make it onto tv’s World’s Dumbest. 😉

  2. I am an excellent wrapper. I should come wrap things for you. 🙂 Rapping, however, not so much.

  3. I’m having a good laugh! Keep up the advert; you may beat crap wrap soon! Lol!

  4. I have been known to wrap birthday gifts in Christmas paper. In July. Because I cannot bring myself to pay the asking price for birthday wrap.

  5. “World’s Worst Wrappers!” Are you listening, Bravo??

  6. Oh, you should just hire DImples. That girl has a knack with tape.

    I actually stock a supply of a little bit of everything so I don’t have to wrap a birthday gift in wedding paper or run to the gas station in the middle of the night for the right kind of wrap.

  7. My person attended a baby shower last weekend and they had to wrap the presents there – and her wrapping skills match yours. The presents are headed to Switzerland in a suitcase because that’s where the mom and the baby are, so she figured she was safe. They would get smashed anyway.

  8. I love the packing tape – I have to admit I have the same affliction – have even used duct tape once when desperate. Thank goodness for gift bags and tissue paper.

  9. I always blame my bad wrapping jobs on my kids. “Sarah wrapped it herself – isn’t that cute?!” Of course, I’ll need a new strategy when they are teenagers.

  10. Hilarious! I love the picture 🙂 Next time it might be an idea to find a store that gift wraps!

  11. omg. i am snorting (and not cocaine). i actually updated my FB status sometime a few days before christmas with something like the following: “worst wrapper ever. my presents look like they have been wrapped, unwrapped (wildly), and then wrapped again using the same paper.” i SUCK at wrapping and hate it. i often question why i had four kids??? was i not thinking of christmas??? good luck cooking something, too. just buy something. that’s usually my choice. i love crapwrap. now that’s a company i could work for! gonna tell hubby i might have a job option!

  12. didn’t the store do a gift wrap service?

  13. I’m considering the idea of wrapping with newspaper – maybe people will think its cute and quirky… And its WAY less expensive then the stuff at the store!

  14. I’m a bag girl. I know my limitations.

  15. I had a job a few years ago where I had to gift-wrap for other people. I apologize.

  16. I can so relate to this post. I get SO impatient with wrapping. I love a beautifully-wrapped gift…I just am not the one to do it!!!!

  17. I think I love to wrap presents but I don’t do it well at all. I love the idea at Christmas of sitting in front of an old movie with hot coco and a huge pile of presents to wrap, but in reality I get tired an hour into it and my back is killing me. Bags are good.

  18. LOL!
    There is no way you can be worse than I am at wrapping. I have had people look at my wrapping jobs and ask if it had been run over by a car… LOL….no.. not joking… sigh…..

    Loved this post for I know about this “skill”

    Your friends,
    The Collies and Chuck 🙂

  19. I am always inordinately proud of myself when i manage to wrap a gift well.
    Really, you’d think from my expression that I’d just cured cancer…

  20. Worst website ever !!!!!!!!!!!!

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