I Should Stick to Eating Bon-Bons and Looking Pretty

I made an amateur matrimonial mistake today.  I don’t know why I haven’t learned this in the almost 12 years that I have been married, but maybe confessing it will make it less likely to happen again.

Marriage Rule #37 – Never undertake a really hard “house” project unless your spouse is there to witness it.

You might question the wisdom of this rule.  But there are several reasons for it.

Here’s the scenario:  you decide that you will surprise your spouse by completing a monumental task that you have both been procrastinating.

In today’s case, the task was to box up and move everything out of our 11 foot high wardrobe, which needs to be disassembled before the crew comes to do our concrete floors.  I thought it would be nice of me to empty the wardrobe while the Cap’n and Dimples were out of the house for a few hours today.

WHY THAT ISN’T A GOOD IDEA :  O.K. Well, the primary reason that you should never do this, Kids, is because the work is always far more grueling than your spouse will ever appreciate it to be.  If your spouse cannot see the huffing and puffing involved in performing this work, and the pain and suffering that accompanies it, then you will never reap the rewards you deserve for it.  You will get about the same gratitude as you get for cleaning the toilets.

THE SECOND REASON IT ISN’T A GOOD IDEA:  I should have learned this about 11 years ago when we were in our last house.  Back then, I decided to surprise the Cap’n by taking down the 70‘s era wallpaper in our bathroom while he was at work.  In order to do this, I had to remove a wall-length mirror that hung over the counter.  I stood on the counter to do this and pulled the mirror off of its hangers.  I gently set it on the counter.  It promptly broke in half.  The far half careened toward me, nearly chopping off my nose, and found a nice landing place in my right hand.

In summary, the second reason for not doing anything harder than dusting the shelves when there are no witnesses is that you might inadvertently kill yourself.  And, if you do that, you really will not get the appreciation you deserve for your massive undertaking.

Of course, I didn’t take these factors into account until I was standing on a stepladder precariously balancing a ridiculously heavy box that I had grabbed from the top of the wardrobe.  Wonderbutt was energetically bouncing into the side of the ladder, wondering what great new chew toy he was about to receive.  As I worked hard not to tip the box or myself onto the hard floor below, I remembered Rule #37.  And that spouses are not very grateful for surprises that end up including trips to the Emergency Room.

I’m surmising that my Guardrail Guardian Angel (who takes care of me when I am on the road) was well-rested because I hadn’t driven anywhere today, and decided to help me defy the laws of physics, gravity, and bull-headed bulldogs in order to make it to the ground safe and sound.

I learned my lesson, though.  From now on, I will not attempt anything life-threatening when the rest of the Firepants humans are not around to witness my demise.

That just leaves me more time for blogging, anyway.

Posted on March 4, 2012, in Blogging, Cap'n Firepants, Death, Dogs, Family, Humor, Marriage, Relationships, Wonderbutt and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 34 Comments.

  1. Hey, why do you think celebs save all those moments of glory for when they’re in public?

  2. Love the sign! You’re wise indeed. There’s nothing more frustrating than trying to impress your significant other(s) with exactly how difficult and gruelling the task was while still maintaining an air of modesty and competence.

  3. I like to combine impressing my husband with a dollop of guilt. I ask him to do the chore first, and when he doesn’t get to it (like always), I do it myself (like I always intended). I schedule it so he walks in when I’m just done and sweaty and exhausted. I get admiration AND he’s full of guilt that he should have done it himself. Oh, the rewards are great.

  4. Great idea! We love reading your blog!!! 🙂 Love the sign!
    Your friends,
    The collies and chuck 🙂

  5. I often think that when I’m doing things alone, envisaging some “Lassie” type scenario with the dogs barking at passers-by to alert them of my demise, all the while making Bubba dinner!

  6. Everything about this post is completely true!! Glad the box didn’t get ya!

  7. Ladders should never be used without help! You may also need to take photos as you work (and risk your neck) to show your husband when he’s back. Proper documentation might help you garner the appreciation you deserve.

  8. So true. It is better not to do things that might kill you when no one is around. And they will not appreciate that you nearly killed yourself to do stuff.

  9. I think your guardrail angel should get a promotion.
    Glad it all worked out with a minimum of mayhem

    • Are you kidding? That poor angel deserves retirement at this point. I’d hate to learn what sins he committed to earn this job!
      Maybe it’s the darn nun who lied to me at summer camp…

  10. I’ve learned that lesson the hard way a few times too, but I still try stuff sometimes. Also, I emailed you a little bit ago, I just wanted to get your advice on something that I didn’t really want to tell everyone.

  11. You are definitely my Erma – wonderful, hilarious writing!

  12. I need to get this set of marriage rules. Goodness knows I’ve broken most of them already and I’m not even married. BF is going to be totally unimpressed with me when I’m his wife…

  13. Hahaha, you should know by now there is very little satisfaction in completing an arduous task unless you are being watched by an appreciative audience – Wonderbutt doesn’t count in this instance! 🙂

  14. Ha! I just learned the danger of moving heavy objects when no other adults are present this past weekend. I got trapped under a heavy ladder I was attempting to carry up the basement stairs, and I called out to my toddler, “Go get Daddy! Go get Daddy!” She looked at me and said, “Oh, what is the matter, Mommy? You needs help?” I had to try very hard not be sarcastic then.

    She did eventually toddle off to go get him, but he did not understand the urgency of the situation and I thought I was going to perish on those stairs before he arrived.

    • Gosh, I’m so glad you did not perish! We would all miss you and your wonderful art tremendously! Do not put yourself into such perilous positions any more. I think we need to put that in your contract.

  15. Whew!!! For a minute there, I thought Wonderbutt was going to cause more slapstick and riotry. Perhaps you should teach him how to use a camera ‽‽‽
    (Glad you’re OK, but I knew you were, otherwise how could you have written this contest worthy post ‽‽‽)

  16. Glad you’re still around to blog.

  17. I always take down stats for everything I do: x amount of vegetables chopped in x amount of time, x amount of television shows I could have watched, x amount of sweating, etc. So everyone can give me the appropriate level of thanks.

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