If He Would Just Stop Sleeping on the Job…

I have been recently struggling with gastroenterological problems, and just switched doctors.  This is my perception of my appointment with my new doctor on Monday.

Management said, “You know that Colon?  He’s inefficient.”

“Tell me about it,” I said.  “I don’t understand what that guy’s problem is.  I’ve given him everything he’s wanted, and he’s still not doing his job.  I’m fed up with that guy’s performance.  I think we need to let him go.”

Management shook his head.  “We can’t do that.  It’s better to have someone doing that job badly then no one doing that job at all.”

“We can find someone else.  What about Bladder?  She’s always working overtime.”

“Bladder has a completely different skill set than Colon.  That won’t work.  We need to put Colon on a Growth Plan.”

“A Growth Plan?  I don’t want Colon to get any bigger.  He’s bad enough as it is.”

“To make him better, not bigger.”

“Let me see that Growth Plan….  Wait a second.  Why am I the one making all of the accommodations here when Colon is the one who is the problem?  I already gave up Diet Coke and salads for him.  I think that’s plenty.  Where’s the paper that lists what he’s going to do?”

“Colon has shown that he can’t do the tasks that he has been assigned, and you want to give him a heavier workload?  That hardly seems to make any sense.”

“So, are you suggesting that I lighten his load so that he will do a better job?  That doesn’t make any sense, either.  What about sending Colon to another department?  Let someone else deal with his inefficiency.”

“With Colon’s reputation, no one else is going to take him,” Management said, shaking his head.  “Brain is going to strike if you send her one more problem.  And Heart and Lungs are still threatening to sue after you forced them to participate in that new Exercise Plan.  I’m afraid you are going to have to find a way to work around Colon’s short-comings for the sake of the Company.”

“Fine!” I said.  “But I want it on the record that I am protesting having to work with an inefficient Colon.  And while you’re adding things to my file, put down that Bladder is going to have to work overtime on her own right now if she’s so intent on winning Employee of the Month.  I’m tired of staying up late just because she’s some kind of freak who never needs to sleep.”

“Duly noted,” said Management.  “But I wouldn’t count on that happening.”

“Well, if someone doesn’t start cooperating with me, I’m just going to have to take my complaints to The Top.”

“I’m sure that could be arranged,” Management stated as I turned around to make my leave.

Maybe I should just file for Bankruptcy and start all over.

Colon in the middle of his Performance Evaluation photo credit: slworking2 via photopin cc




Posted on March 8, 2012, in Doctors, Humor, Work and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 26 Comments.

  1. Only you could make light of your own pain – bravo!

  2. This is the most hysterical take on bodily frustrations that I’ve seen! I’m sorry that you’re still not feeling well though. Gees, colon really needs to get his $#!t together (pun TOTALLY intended)!! You can pass along my thoughts if you so desire. Hoping you feel much better soon!

  3. cleverly done! Sorry Colon is being an ass – he needs to get a move on!

  4. It’s too bad Colon’s in the union and you can’t get rid of him.

  5. Wow, you have an amazing rapport with your organs. I especially like your preference for engagement through dialogue. I think its definitely the way ahead for modern medicine.

  6. Too funny! Too bad it’s true. I hope you feel better soon.

  7. Ahh, way to make light of the sitution. Funny though!

  8. Love it! what a funny take on a doctor’s visit. Hopefully your colon grows as an individual and as a worker, and starts contributing his fair share.
    A while back, my ovaries invited friends to stay, and those guys stayed up late partying and drinking and spilling all over the place. Management suggested tylenol to calm their temper, but added that it was unlikely to help. Wow, that sounds so much better than the doctor sucks and won’t give me drugs for ovarian cysts!

    • Hey, I had that problem, too! Only, the Management at that time was a little more quick to react than the current regime. That Management went in there himself, and kicked those guys out. He wasn’t playing around. I hope yours realizes the partiers are going to take advantage of that wussy attitude.

  9. i’m totally shocked that management didn’t promote colon so that he could be less effective over more organs.

  10. Very clever. Sorry about Colon doing nothing and Bladder doing too much. That’s really annoying.

    • Kind of like some of the people on your Yearbook staff, right? Management – your unhelpful advisor. Colon – the people who don’t get their stuff in on time and don’t proof it. Bladder – uh, oh – I hope that’s not you 😉

  11. Excellent!!! Pretty crappy of colon to act up. Hope you feel better soon. We are praying for you!
    Your friends,
    the collies and chuck 🙂

  12. If it wasn’t so serious, that would be hilarious.

    You poor thing I do hope that you will get your internal plumbing sorted out soon

  13. At least colon was clean shaven for his review…
    Hang in there! And maybe get management an assistant to help deal with the unruly staff…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: