Exactly What is Your Definition of “Accident”?

In defense of Wonderbutt, I will say that our sofa is very old.  And that we have been wanting to replace it since we moved into our house three years ago – when we inexplicably painted the walls blue when we had a maroon, brown, and green couch.  Our golden retriever’s fur clings to the fabric of the sofa in large clumps.  No matter how many times I vacuum or lint roll the cushions, every visitor that makes the unfortunate decision to sit on our furniture stands up with golden hairs affixed to every inch of his or her clothing.  If we invite friends over, I always add the clause: if you value your appearance, do not wear black.

And now tiny white hairs are added to the mix.  The pillows that Grandma specifically recovered for us so that we could pretend our sofa was designed for a house with blue walls have had their corners chewed off, and decorative braided trim trails from the sides.  The back of one sofa has a giant dark circle where Wonderbutt obsessively licked the couch for no apparent reason.  One sofa cushion has half its foam and a zipper missing.

I have no idea what was so lickably tasty about this part of the couch.

Once we got our floors back in shape, it was even more evident that the sofa would be a fitting prop for the living room on Sanford and Son.

So, we decided to get a new one.  Yes, I know that it is counterintuitive to replace a piece of furniture that was destroyed by your dogs with a new piece of furniture when said dogs still roam freely in the house.  But a quick poll of those who know me well will reveal that I regularly defy logic.

We found a sofa that will not attract hair, will go with our blue walls (that will soon be a different color, but that’s a story for another day), and – most importantly – does not have removable cushions.  At least, they are not designed to be removable.

When going over the details of the sofa, our ears perked when the salesperson asked if we were interested in purchasing the accident protection.

“What is included in this plan?” I asked.

“Rips, tears, spills, stains.  All of those will be repaired if you buy the accident protection.”

“Let me get this straight.  If the cushion has a big hole in it, you will replace it, free of charge?”

“Yes.”

“And, if there’s a huge watermark on it, you will replace it, free of charge?”

“Yes.”

Cap’n Firepants, Dimples, and I all looked at each other in wonderment.  Why the heck hadn’t we heard of this miraculous plan before?

“So, what you’re saying is – no matter what my dog does to this couch, you will fix it?”

“Oh no, Ma’am.  This doesn’t cover pet damage.”

I stared at the woman, unable to speak.  Cap’n Firepants quickly stepped in.

“We don’t need the accident protection,” he assured the salesperson, as I tried to tell myself that throttling her would be counterproductive.  I wondered if she had accident protection.

“You could say that your child did it,” the woman conspiratorially whispered to me.

If you have video of a child doing this kind of damage to a couch cushion, let me know. Before you have him/her committed, I may need him/her to explain to the Accident Plan Board of Directors how it happens that a child who is not a Wonderbutt "accidentally" shreds and eats a piece of furniture.

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Posted on April 6, 2012, in Cap'n Firepants, Children, Dimples, Dogs, Family, Humor, Interior Decorating, Mrs. P.I.B., Wonderbutt and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 40 Comments.

  1. BRILLIANT! I have a good friend who has two labs – one golden, one black. They both drool when excited and are very affectionate. So, no matter what you wear, you’re sartorially screwed when you visit her place.

    Good luck with the new couch!

  2. Aaaaa! I still can not even come close to grips with this sort of damage! Is this a breed ‘thing’?

  3. Yeah, that damage might be a little hard to explain. Do you think Wonderbutt will shred the new one? Maybe you could spray it with lysol or something that might make it less apetizing.

  4. Maybe keep the old couch for Wonderbutt to have as his own?
    And I think you’d have a hard time passing off that damage as caused by humans…

  5. Hilarious post and I don’t think you’ll get away with saying this is human damage unless you get Dimples to act really crazy!!!

  6. Anything that starts with “In defense of” can’t be bad.

    • I bet your beautiful white dog never causes this much devastation!

      • Au contraire! As a puppy he destroyed a couch and a recliner, chewed off the legs of the coffee table, 2 remote controls, the Mr’s glasses, destroyed every magazine or piece of paper within his reach, including toilet paper. And, since his head is above the level of the kitchen table, he snatched a steak right off my plate, when I turned my back to go get something. Once I caught him standing on his hind legs with his front feet on the kitchen island (he’s taller than me!) looking for a snack!

        Not to mention his attraction to dirt…black dirt! I can only sympathize. I had to dog-proof the house until he grew out of that stage. Hopefully Wonderbutt will grow out of his penchant for couch cushions 😦

  7. That is quite the plan. Blame it on the kid. I don’t see how anyone would believe it though.

  8. Chancy, Mumsy and Crew

    Anxiously awaiting to see how Wonderbutt and the new sofa get along. Hugs and nose kisses

  9. Cant wait to see the pictures of the new couch! 🙂 all we can say is;
    nom, nom, nom, Just kidding.. 🙂

    Good luck hope Wonderbutt is nice to it…

    Your friends,
    the collies and chuck 🙂

  10. 🙂 Perhaps quadruplets who are teething? 🙂

  11. You just need photos of Dimples chewing on the old sofa. I’m sure she’ll do it for you and Wonderbutt.

  12. Whatever happened to the plan of getting a concrete couch to go with the floors? Not that I blame you for wanting cushions. I can’t see Dimples wanting to ‘fess up to “foam gnawing”… Oh, Wonderbutt, truly one of a kind.

  13. You just tell the accident insurance people that your child was born with hedgeclippers for hands, and furniture takes the brunt of the deformity. Ta-dah!

    I wish he could tell us what he was licking off that spot on the couch. Maybe something dead was in there? (Sorry, sorry. The old couch is long gone, right?)

  14. So hilarious! Oh Wonderbutt we love how you like to rearrange the furniture.
    Bella and DiDi

  1. Pingback: Wonderbutt Flips Us Off « whatimeant2say

  2. Pingback: And the Nominees Are… | Not Pretending (to be sane)

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