I Think I’ve Narrowed it Down

After months of data collection and very scientific experimentation, I feel that I am finally ready to assure you that our Diet Coke is not being poisoned by terrorists.  Last year, when I began experiencing worse than usual intestinal issues, and no doctor could find anything physically wrong with me, I surmised that terrorists are poisoning our food.  This was supported by the additional symptom of memory loss.  Whenever I mentioned this theory to my husband, he would raise his eyebrow and suggest that I cut back on my Diet Coke.  On second thought, I don’t think he raised his eyebrow.  I’m the eyebrow raiser.  He is the blue-eyed deadpan starer.  It’s very disconcerting.

So, I quit drinking Diet Coke.

Well, that did not help at all.  And, now, I have the added side-effect of being drowsy all of the time.  But, at least I have eliminated the possibility of a Diet Coke Conspiracy – a feat which I think is deserving of a Nobel Peace Prize.  Between refusing to harbor a fugitive immigrant host a foreign exchange student and discovering that Diet Coke is not the cause of my considerable discomfort (thus avoiding an uncomfortable confrontation with suspect enemy nations), I feel that I have done more than my share in promoting peace and goodwill around the world.

Of course, using the process of elimination to root out the precise poison-carrying food in my diet could take a long time.  So, I informed my long-suffering husband, Cap’n Firepants, that I was considering quitting eating altogether.  He huffed, which is what he does when he thinks I have just hatched a ridiculous plan.  He huffs a lot.

Overhearing this one-sided conversation, my daughter chimed in, “You can live quite a long time without food as long as you have water.”   (She just read The Hunger Games.  And watched a Beanie Baby version of it on YouTube because I won’t take her to see the actual movie.  So, I guess this makes her some sort of famine expert.)

Which I already knew of course.  But I also knew that starving myself would not have the desired effect of becoming a National Hero who Was the Normal Mother who Uncovered a Terrorist Plot to Poison our Food (or Drink).

So, I will continue this ridiculously slow procedure of removing one item at a time from my meals in order to discover the offending pabulum.  And yes, I just used the online thesaurus to learn a new word.

I am a Hero, a Scientist, and a Logophile.  This is what they shall proclaim after the Flash Mob performs at my funeral.

Who died from Unnecessary Diet Coke Withdrawal during the Pursuit of Terrorists-Who-Don’t-Kill-But-Just-Irritate-Your-Bowels.

The Terrorists’ Grocery List                                            photo credit: passiveaggressivenotes via photo pin cc


Posted on May 3, 2012, in Cap'n Firepants, Family, Humor, Phobia, Terrorism and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 40 Comments.

  1. The beanie baby version of it was spot on. She doesn’t need to see the Hunger Games on the big screen.

  2. That was seriously the fastest comment I’ve ever received on a post!

  3. Hopefully I haven’t posted this comment 4 times now. hahaha…

    Without knowing what your symptoms are (you don’t have to tell me either), Tammy told me to ask if you eat acidic foods, foods high in potassium (yogurt, tomatoes, berries, etc.) or a lot of booze (Tammy knows about that part) because you could have something she’s dealing with… I don’t know how to say it so the links below…

    Look up this… interstitial-cystitis

  4. It must be driving you crazy – this stomach thing.
    Hilarious post nevertheless!

  5. Well Angelina Jolie I think starves herself and she is like a global unicef ambassador

  6. i wanted to tell you something about ..irritated bowels..and stuff that might do it.I forgot though and I am glad it isn;t diet coke or terrorists ..my niece just got diagnosed with Celiacs disease a coupe a weeks ago…oh yes! gluten..have you tried to limit your gluten intake?

  7. So are you still off the Diet Coke? I’m impressed. A full-blown addict myself, I was horrified in that article on the MSN page about the girl who drank 2 liters a day and had a heart attack. Of course, the media attributed it to the Coke. And I don’t know about the terrorist conspiracy, but I’m still thinking there might be something to the rumor that when Nutrasweet gets too hot, it becomes poison. Yet I still indulge.

    • Still off it, but I am considering a return since depriving myself hasn’t had any benefits. I saw that article, too! Scary – but she apparently had other problems, too.

  8. I picture complicated spreadsheets with columns of raw data about every morsel and liquid that enters your body. I picture graphs and charts and weird colored lines. I picture you going cross-eyed.

    • I considered allowing Dimples to enter it as her Science Fair project but decided against it since some of her classmates will be my students next year. I don’t need my students knowing quite that much about me…

  9. There seems to be a lot of good advice being offered on the nutritional front. As a result, I shall just say I like the new word, but I like ‘logophile’ better. 🙂

  10. Having been on an elimination diet, I send you my best wishes because my best ideas have not proved useful in the past.
    Oh I will say one other thing on the off chance you have a similar experience- when I went off gluten I discovered I cannot handle eating corn products at every meal. I won’t go into the details, but I prefer keeping my apple-belly. (l suggest you look up the term apple-belly if you do not believe it’s a real term)
    Best of luck!

    • Wow! I learned a new phrase. This is a great day for being a Logophile!

      • I learned a lot more than I wanted to about the digestive system during this phase as well. For a while I couldn’t help visualizing all that I had learned, and evey swallow became a bit of a torture. It was like listening to yourself eat with headphones on. (Try it, you will be surprised how auditory swallowing is) It really freaked me out. For the most part I prefer not knowing how the old body really works, not a detail person in that sense. But every now and then morbid fascination, pushes me on to read something that I know will come back to haunt me.

  11. Congratulations on exonerating Diet Coke – good luck with the rest of the diet.

    P.S. “blue-eyed deadpan starer” made me shout with laughter – love that line.

  12. Haha, that’s hilarious. And there’s a beanie baby version of the hunger games? I must see this.
    One of my teachers changed his eating habits because, “I’m getting so old that when I get hurt it stays that way for 6 months so I’m hoping eating better will help speed up the healing process.” He keeps a bunch of fruit at his desk and doesn’t eat any sugars (except for those in the fruit). I think it’s working. He hasn’t complained. Just a thought.

    • I actually eat pretty healthy, which is why the Diet Coke was the only thing I could think of to try eliminating. Oh well, after school is out I will try starting from the other direction – eliminating everything but one item and slowly introducing others back in.

  13. Well, at least you’ve elimated something! I have…issues…myself, and it doesn’t seem to matter what I eat. I can make gas stop entirely by diet changes but not the ‘other’ issue.

  14. I hope you find what’s been causing all the digestive pain (and hopefully no starvation required)! I was having some pretty gnarly stomach issues last summer and did a full cleanse for two weeks (basically just veggies and protein) and then slowly reintroduced foods to see what didn’t work for me. Turned out I can’t do gluten or lactose. Cleanses are not so fun but might be worth it to find out what’s getting to you. Hope you feel better soon!

  15. LOL… that last photo made us laugh hard! I can’t remember did you check all your foods for MSG. Lactose and acidic foods like tomatoes? I cant do many tomoatoes for it irritates me….
    Just a thought! Ginger says eat a cat… that will help…. Thats Ginger though… ya know… radical answer for everything. LOL

    Your laughing friends who are praying for you,
    the collies and chuck 🙂

  16. Your posts have so many fantastic one liners! My favorite today is “Who died from Unnecessary Diet Coke Withdrawal during the Pursuit of Terrorists-Who-Don’t-Kill-But-Just-Irritate-Your-Bowels”. Extremely funny 🙂
    By the way, did you know that “pabulum” also means ‘insipid intellectual nourishment?’ 🙂

    • Thank you , Bassa. I hope our Defense Department is aware of that particular sect of Terrorists and keeping tabs on them. I can’t do it all myself, you know! And I did not know that second definition of pablum. I shall add that to my Logophile file!

  17. Another howling and hilarious post! 🙂 One of our humans drinks too much Diet Coke and is reading this with us. She is in envy of your ability to quit for any period of time. Apparently she was not afraid of the terrorists.

    Bella and DiDi

  18. Imogen Spector

    Phew! A life without diet coke is not worth imagining!

  19. Guessing something like a simpleallergy test isn’t helpful?
    good luck with isolating the offending food bit.
    Anyone else in Casa Firepants having an issue, or just you?
    Also, any history of anything in your family? (guessing I’m jut ridiculously late to the party here, but still…)

  20. OH, that is so brutal. My sister has had to do the elimination thing – and she still gets migranes. bother.

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