I Wish This Had Really Happened – to Me

“I hate Jenny Lawson.”

“You hate your Maid of Honor?” my husband, the Honorable Cap’n Firepants asked.

“O.K.  Wrong Lawson, dude.  Don’t you even remember my Maid of Honor’s first name?”

Quickly sidestepping that land mine, the Cap’n said, “Well, who is this Lawson you hate?”

“She is a writer.  And I hate her.”

“I think we’ve established that.  Care to explain why?”

“First of all, she had a crazy childhood.”

“So did you.”

“But hers was a happy, crazy childhood.  And funny.  And she lives in Texas.”

“So -”

“In the Hill Country.”  This will make the Cap’n hate her, too.  He has always wanted to move to the Hill Country.  “Where vultures try to resurrect your buried dead pets and scorpions invade your attic.”

“That doesn’t sound so good.”  Although he did kind of perk up at the dead pet part.  There are moments when he does not have kind thoughts toward Wonderbutt, our Bulldog who Ate the World.

“It’s funny!  Well, the pet dying part was not funny.  I cried.  But she made it funny.  That’s why I hate her.  And she uses profanity indiscriminately.”

“Well I’m glad she does not use discriminating profanity.”

“Haha.  Seriously.  She is hysterical.”

“So, what I’m getting here is that she wrote a book that made you laugh and so you now hate her.”

“Exactly.  Plus she collects taxidermied animals that are dressed up.  How am I supposed to compete with that?”  Again, Cap’n Firepants seems to brighten with a thought.

“It sounds like you’re jealous,” he says after a moment, perhaps thinking that is a better thing to say than, “Wonderbutt would make a fine tuxedoed and taxidermied collectible.”

And this is where the conversation ended.  Not because I threw a deadly scorpion at Cap’n Firepants and a starving vulture ate his carcass.  Though I seriously thought about it.

Only because this conversation did not really happen, except in my head.  And I really hate it when I can’t even control the conversations in my head enough to make myself look good.

If you are interested in hating Jenny Lawson, too, I highly recommend her book, Let’s Pretend this Never Happened.

(And by the way, Crash, thanks for texting me today that I should read this book – which I finished this weekend, laughing so hard that I was crying – and then not saying anything like, “She’s just as funny as you” or “You could totally write a book like that”.  Instead, you just said, “We thought r life was crazy.”)

(And by the way, Parents-in-New-Jersey, you are not the crazy set of childhood memories to which we are referring.  Thank you for reading my blog and not being crazy.  Although, if you were crazy, I might be able to make a lot of money off of  the stories.  Now I just have to do it the hard way and make up my own stories.  Don’t worry, though.  I’ll just make them up about Crash and Cap’n Firepants – not you.)

(And by the way, People Who Might Read Jenny Lawson’s Book, I would probably advise you not to read the iBook edition on your iPad while you are sitting in the middle of a group of parents at your daughter’s dance class.  Particularly if it is the chapter entitled, “My Vagina is Fine.  Thanks for Asking.”  People look at you funny.  And not in a good way.)

Posted on May 14, 2012, in Annoyances, Blogging, Cap'n Firepants, Crash, Family, Humor, Relationships, Sisters, Wonderbutt and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 49 Comments.

  1. My girl read it and liked it a lot. I’m about 15 pages in and enjoying it.
    And you’re funny.
    Just in a different way.
    I mean a good way.
    Ok, I’ll stop now.

  2. I think the animal on the cover looks like me. I think she stole the animal part from sandra bullicks mom in hopefloats!

  3. I had heard about this wee book all the way down here. Now I shall have to read it. On my iPad. I do not have a daughter. 🙂

    • It is great iPad reading. Although I kind of wish I’d bought the actual book so I could look at the pics a bit more closely. And loan it to other people. Or throw it at them, depending on my mood.

  4. I may have to pick her book up for our upcoming vacation. Tammy’s requesting 100 Shades of Grey or whatever it’s called. haha…

    Her post (http://thebloggess.com/2011/06/and-thats-why-you-should-learn-to-pick-your-battles/) is what inspired me to start my blog, so I don’t hate her…. yet.

  5. That book sounds wonderful!

    Just teasing you. You can write just as well PR better than anyone out there. If i had money to gamble and there wasn’t a casino around, I’d put it on you. I need to get to writing your word porn post…

  6. You had me ready to read until the vagina is fine part… um… er… well… but I think my wife will enjoy it! 🙂
    In mirth,
    the collies and chuck 🙂

  7. I have seen that book around a lot lately. I should check it out.

  8. I’ve also heard good things and felt the stirrings of hatred. I’m thinking this will be just the summer reading I need, if summer ever decides to arrive.

  9. misswhiplash

    Ok thank you it is on my list of things to to today,,

  10. I will be purchasing this on my Kindle today! Thanks for the fun review!

  11. The way I see it, or try to, is that everyone has their own voice. I read you because I like you and I read her because I like her. And I write like me because that’s who I am. I could try to write like someone else, but then people wouldn’t like me for being me. And I hope people just like me for being me. Stay true to yourself and you’ll have fans. (You already do.)

    And I’m sure I’ll be the last person on earth to read that book, but I’ll get to it!

  12. I saw her book in a bookstore a few weeks ago. I pointed it out to my husband.”See that book,” I said. “I could do that.” And I didn’t buy it. Sour grapes?… nooooo… not at all.

  13. I am saving her book as a special treat for myself. I can’t wait to read it!

  14. Adding it to my list of Summer reads! I can’t wait. Thanks for the review!

  15. “Wonderbutt would make a fine tuxedoed and taxidermied collectible.” I love it 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

  16. Howling!
    Bella and DiDi

  17. omg. wasn’t it hysterical??? i totally read the vagina chapter in public and was paranoid someone was going to look over my shoulder (and, of course, the kids really want to read it now after i told them it was inappropriate for kids!). so happy you liked it – she was so great in person.

  18. misswhiplash

    OKay it is now on my Kindle..if I am embarrassed..I shall blame you!!!

  19. I’m enjoying your blogs everyday 🙂

  20. Gotta admit…I’m intrigued!!!

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