The Only Thing with a Bigger Appetite Than Wonderbutt

My husband, Cap’n Firepants, is a big proponent of Reduce, Reuse, Recycle.  However, in reality, he often just Rearranges… the Garage to Fit One More Thing.  In his mind, he can imagine many other uses for each piece, but these uses do not usually get implemented within the century of their retirement.

With the addition of new furniture to the house, I was afraid that the old furniture would join the other odds and ends piling up in the garage.  And donating it to Goodwill would have  resulted in quite a bit of Ill Will toward the Firepants Family, I was certain.  Considering that it looked like this

and smelled much worse than it looked, there was only one possible destination for these pieces.

“But Wonderbutt looks sad,” Dimples, our nine year old, protested.  Wonderbutt is the one responsible for the sorry state of the old furniture.  He is our insatiable bulldog with an affinity for foam – particularly the foam in carpet padding and furniture.

“Wonderbutt is a bulldog.  He always looks sad.”

She was right, however, because, at the moment, Wonderbutt was sitting on our old couch, cushion removed, leaning heavily against the corner, with eyes glazed over, and his wrinkly face staring down as though he were mourning the death of the only one he truly cares about – Wonderbutt.

Of course, he moved as soon as I tried to take a picture of him looking doleful.

I hardened my heart.

“It doesn’t matter.  Tomorrow is the Dial-a-Trailer across the street.  And that is pretty much the only way are going to be able to get rid of these things – legally, at least.”

I did not tell Dimples, or Wonderbutt, that Dial-a-Trailer is a big ole truck that consumes tree limbs and furniture as easily as a giant masticating bran cereal.

So, this morning, Cap’n Firepants and I loaded the old pieces into Cap’n Firepants’ truck, and delivered them to the Jaws of Death.  And I only sniffled a bit as I watched the spines get snapped on our first set of furniture bought as a married couple at a store that went out of business eighteen months ago. (That’s when they went out of business, not when we purchased the sofa and love seat.  Although, that is roughly around when Wonderbutt came into our lives, so I would not put it past him to be responsible in some way, shape, or form for the entire collapse of the furniture industry.)

Then we came back to the house, and I realized that 2 of the sofa cushions had not made the trip.  And that the Jaws of Death could help us free up another 10,000 square feet in our garage if we made a couple more trips.

After I used some gentle persuasion (“I’m sick of this mess!”) to convince him that the Jaws of Death were still hungry, Cap’n Firepants loaded our old wall into the truck – and then our old entertainment center.

That had been one of my first pieces of furniture.  During my last year of college, I had purchased the unfinished piece, and sanded and stained it on my own.  For years now, it has stood in our garage with a bunch of other junk piled on top.

I was ready to say good-bye.

Cap’n Firepants was not.

“I just wish we could at least try to sell it or something.”

“We did!”  I pointed to the orange sticker that said 25 cents on it, a remnant of our one and only Garage Sale Fail.  I expected him to say, “Well, that didn’t really count.  It poured sheets of rain the entire day, and we only had two customers the whole 8 hours.”

But he didn’t.  He loaded it up.

“You don’t have to go this time,” he said.  I thought he might be trying to be gentle of my feelings, maybe concerned that it would break my heart to see the old entertainment center instantly mashed into a thousand pieces.  But then, I realized his true motive.

“You just don’t want me to embarrass you by taking pictures!” I accused him.  I had taken out the camera to document the cushions, destroyed by Wonderbutt, that now crowned the pile in the back of the truck.  And, yes, I had kind of considered taking a picture of them being eaten by the Trailer.

“You’re right,” he said.

And he left.  And he returned 15 minutes later without the cushions or the wall or the entertainment center.

Unfortunately, neither one of us thought of the true solution to all of our problems – which would have been to feed Wonderbutt to the Trailer.

Now, don’t sic PETA on me. We would never have fed Wonderbutt to the Trailer. Even if we had thought of it. At least, I wouldn’t have. I can’t really speak for Cap’n Firepants…

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Posted on May 19, 2012, in Cap'n Firepants, Dimples, Dogs, Family, Humor, Interior Decorating, Wonderbutt and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 20 Comments.

  1. So hilarious – love your turns of phrase. For some reason I am extremely worried about your new furniture. I even had a dream about it last night – ridiculous!

  2. We need that. I think we have almost as much junk as good stuff right now. Congratulations on getting rid of it! I thought for a second that you might have saved a cushion for Wonderbutt to chew up, but it probably was best to give him a clean break.

  3. Hmm, are you sure Cap’n Firepants hasn’t got another secret garage somewhere that he takes these things to?

  4. misswhiplash

    Bassas..that could be his secret plan!
    Poor WB how can you possible think of putting him in the Trailer Muncher1
    Now that you have changed his diet with buying new furniture for him to eat ..he will be one contented happy WB… i am waiting in anticipation!!!!!!
    It’s gonna happen I know it will!

  5. I seriously think Cap’n Firepants has a secret garage where he is stashing all that stuff. Why he would want couch cushions I don’t know, but definitely the old entertainment center.

  6. bwahahaha. the commenters are in my brain. i also thought cpt. firepants might have another garage somewhere. and i, too, am worried for your new furniture. i abhor garage sales, so if you don’t mind i will have to borrow “garage FAIL” because that is so great.

  7. The jaws of death! We need that around here. Instead, we have the flames of hell! LOL… we burn it all…
    Good luck with your new furniture… we are praying for you! 🙂
    Your friends,
    the collies and chuck:)

  8. Cry it out Wonderbutt. You’ll feel better. We’re sure there are some more globes around for you to eat. 🙂

    Bella and DiDi

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