I Wish I Was Hard of Smelling

“My mattress smells.”

“I suppose your refrigerator is running, too?”

“Uh, no.  Who is this?”

“Who is this?”

“This isn’t The Hapless Mattress Discount Megastore, is it?”


“Guess you can’t help me with my smelly mattress, then, huh?”

Dial tone.

Next call…

“Uh, is this The Hapless Mattress Discount Megastore?”

“Yes, how can I help you?”

“Well, um, we got a mattress from you last week and it, uh, smells.  Like mildew or musty stuff or something.  What should we do?”

“Have you tried taking all of the bedding off and putting a bowl of vinegar on the bed?”

“Not really.”

“O.K.  Try that, and give it a few more days.”

“Hmm.  I never thought of that.  Thanks.”

Whatimeant2say was, “Give me a new mattress that doesn’t smell, Bub.  None of my friends got smelly mattresses when they bought new ones, and I’m pretty sure you gave me one that took a ride in Seinfeld’s armpit car.”

But I didn’t.  Now my bedroom smells like vinegar and stinky mattress.

“You don’t understand what I’m up against. This is a force more powerful than anything you can imagine. Even Superman would be helpless against this kind of stench.”
– Jerry, describing the B.O. smell in his car, in “The Smelly Car


Posted on May 31, 2012, in Annoyances, Humor and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 31 Comments.

  1. Oh, that is not good. I hate when I’m too meek to say what I meant 2 say!!!!

  2. Ugh! Poor you. ANd, it’s your bed, too. Put your big girl pants on, ring ’em back and give ’em hell, I reckon.
    U N A C C E P T A B L E. What would Jon Stewart do?

  3. I’m with TSL. The mattress they sold you is Unacceptable. Tell them you need to exchange it for one that doesn’t require deodorization of any kind or they will be refunding your money. You can do it! It doesn’t need to be a confrontation, you are simply giving them information.

  4. I agree with getting them to take it back! This is a serious WTF? situation. Off-gassing is one thing but you’ve had it for too long now for that to be in issue. And a bowl of vinegar … seriously? You didn’t by this from Massengill’s Mattress Market did you? Seriously sitting here shaking my head.

    Thanks for the Seinfeld funny though!

  5. The trouble is when you take it back you will get some other salesperson who tells you off for spilling vinegar on it – can’t wait for the next episode!

  6. Are you sure Wonderbutt didn’t fart under your bed?

  7. i agree with the commenters saying – send it BACK! jeesh. i cannot even believe they said use vinegar. are they NUTS??? vinegar stinks, too. and btw hubby always insists on extinguishing odors with vinegar and i am always like, “WHAT THE WHAT??? now this sh*t smells like VINEGAR.”

  8. Yep like we agreed- needs to go back. If the smell hasn’t gone away yet, it’s probably not going to.

  9. It was a new mattress right? I hope they don’t give you any problems switching it out, but what a pain. That sucks. Sorry.

  10. pack it up take it back and dump it in their doorway..then you will get a new unsmelly mattress

  11. Vinegar in the mattress. Doesn’t everyone do this?

  12. Oh no! We hope they give you a new mattress.
    Bella and DiDi

  13. The Collies are ready to come there and carry the mattress to the store and rip up the guy who sold it to you and then shove it…. let them know 12 collies are coming for their behinds if they do not settle with you!
    Your friends,
    the collies and chuck 🙂

  14. Love the Seinfeld reference. So clever. For your sake, I hope Wonderbutt doesn’t chew off a chunk either!

  15. Ew… I wish you had said what you meant to say! Vinegar and mattress stink don’t sound so great to sleep with. 😦

  1. Pingback: You Made Your Bed, Now… « whatimeant2say

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