I’m Probably Not the One Who Should be Filing Papers

About once a month, I come to the conclusion that I really need to divorce Cap’n Firepants; in fact, I should have done it a long time ago.  I mean, how can I live with a man who can’t stay up past 10 P.M., or who cannot smell, no matter how many times I ask, the mildew odor emanating from our brand new mattresses?  He is clearly the most unreasonable man in the world.

You’ve probably noted the regular schedule of this revelation, and I bet you have wisely deduced the reason this epiphany occurs every 30 days.  I have, too.  But that doesn’t make it seem less important every month.  Fortunately, during saner times, I instituted a Major Decision Moratorium for these 12 weeks a year.  And, despite the clarity with which Cap’n Firepants’ many transgressions suddenly overwhelm me each time, I am somehow able to suppress the urge to initiate any divorce proceedings long enough for the deep conviction that I would be better off as a single woman to subside.

The conversations I have with myself in my head are interesting, though.

“Is he crazy?  Did he just have the gall to ask what you wanted for dinner tonight?  As if you are going to be doing the cooking?  Why can’t he do the cooking?  It’s the weekend.”

“Don’t you think you are overreacting?  Isn’t it, uh, you know…”

“Of course I’m not overreacting!!!!  Do you think any other woman puts up with this garbage?  Do you think Oprah lets Steadman expect her to do the cooking?  What about Hillary and Bill?  Or Michelle and Barack?”

“Um, I think they all have other people cook for them.”

“Great, so I have a horrible husband and I’m poor.  Thanks for pointing that out.”

“Maybe you should just take a look at the calendar.”

“So I can see that I’m another day older?  Trust me, I haven’t forgotten that I’m old and wrinkly.  Boy, you really love making me feel low.”

“O.K.  Forget the calendar.  Look at your pills.”

“Well, thanks for telling the whole world that I take Happy Pills.  You are just determined to completely demoralize me today, aren’t you?”

“Not those pills.  The other ones.  You know, the ones that have the days of the week on the pack?”

“Uh huh.  Yeah, what about ’em?”

“One week left.  That’s all I’m sayin'”

“And why do I have to be the one that takes the pills?  Why can’t he be the one who’s responsible?  God, he is so selfish!  That’s it.  This marriage is over.”

“O.K.  I tell you what.  Wait 7 days, and if you still feel that way, I will completely support you.”

“Fine.  That will give me 7 more days of ammunition to use anyway.”


“Fine.  Can I divorce you, too, while I’m at it?”

“Good luck with that.”

“Fine.  Just give me some chocolate and shut up.”

12 years, and the divorce papers have never been filed.  Cap’n Firepants is one lucky guy.

photo credit: DanielJames via photo pin cc


Posted on June 10, 2012, in Cap'n Firepants, Depression, Humor, Marriage, Relationships and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 33 Comments.

  1. You and Tammy ARE alike. She “divorced” me on Day 8 of our vacation then wanted me to ask her to marry me again.

    Wait til you see where I asked her… haha…

  2. LMAO! If only most women were this honest with themselves.

  3. OMG! Are we married to the same insane man????

  4. sounds like Cap’n Firepants isn’t the only lucky one…. *wink*
    Seriously though, I can so relate!

  5. Don’t all women with men in their lives take happy pills? I’ve hit menopause, and believe me, I wouldn’t be without ’em….well, that and my Geritol and Metamucil 🙂

    • I just wish the pills would make me happy instead of not-quite-as-sad.

      • For 3 weeks each month, enjoy your hormones. Mentally, you have to prepare for the one week of ‘walking through the valley of the shadow of death’. As bad as it gets, it is temporary. I can guarantee that it will get better, but not as fast as you would like.

  6. Oprah and Steadman. Ummmm, sure.

  7. I hear you, Sista’ 🙂

  8. Be thankful that your man does not divorce you….Men ain’t easy at the best of times but they are necessary..who would open the jam jar lid, who would get up to make the morning tea, who would get up at 3am to find out why the dog is barking…NOT ME!

    that’s why I have a man..its his job

  9. I just love the conversations you have with yourself in your head! 🙂

  10. I’m sure the timing is purely coincidental…

  11. About once a month I want to send my boys to boarding school. I even start researching schools while inhaling chocolate.

  12. Thanks for letting us in on the conversation. 🙂

  13. It’s such a lovely time of the month, don’t you think? I love the way this convo goes, it’s hysterical! Hope the chocolate helps!!

  14. LOL… huh… I am sure glad those days are over with my wife…. hehehehe What is shocking is … well… this is exactly the conversations we had… scary…. very scary…. also very, very funny!
    Sorry we are a couple days behind… something came up but we are back now and after this comment you probably are wondering if that is good or bad.. LOL….
    Still say you have the funniest blog on the net!

    God Bless You! 🙂

  15. That is actually my real to-do list for tomorrow. Court 9am for the divorce! Whew! Then seriously looking at the mortgage and taxes. And of course fruit snacks. Love it!

  16. Shouldn’t Pay Mortgage be after Get Divorced on the list? You might be able to get him to pay for it as part of the alimony…

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