Just Call Me Archie Roper

So, the Clampetts moved next door last month.

Within the space of a week, we went from neighbors with 2 meek little girls and an occasional infiltration of our yard by their canine escape experts to a family of 4 kids, all 8 and under, who have absolutely no understanding of the phrase “noise ordinance”.

In addition to the increased commotion emanating from the adjacent house at all hours of day and night, Cap’n Firepants and I started to become suspicious of not-so-legal activities when we began spotting random cars with different license plates parked at the house every day of the week.  This fact, coupled with the likelihood of being able to support 4 kids, a stay-at-home wife, and a frequent stay-at-home husband, while still affording the home next door (which had been way out of our price range, and included a pool) made everything crystal meth clear to me.

“They must be drug dealers,” I announced to Cap’n Firepants with the absolute certainty that comes from years of experience with unusual neighbors – including The Catastrophically Crazy Cat Lady and the Unscrupulous Paint Ball Pinheads.

After several weeks of suspicion, I finally decided to put on my deerstalker cap and matching sensible flip-flops, and do some investigating.

I took a casual drive by their truck to find the company name emblazoned on the side.

Then I Googled it.  After looking through a page or two,  I found a name that I then looked up on a social network.  Then I cross-checked it with deed records, and five minutes after my official investigation had commenced, declared to Cap’n Firepants that “I am the best Googler in the World” – and that we (okay, I) had probably jumped to some wrong conclusions.

“He’s the head of an oil company,” I said.

“O.K.”, the Cap’n responded, completely unimpressed with my lightning internet detective skills.

So, I guess, since the husband is in the oil business, that I wasn’t completely off when I stamped them with “The Clampett” moniker.

However, I am willing to admit that I might have some sitcom blood in me, too.  Mix a bit of intolerance in with a whole bunch of nosiness, and what kind of neighbor am I?

“Listen Edith, I know you’re singing, you know you’re singing, but the neighbors may think I’m torturing you.” ~ Archie Bunker

Posted on June 11, 2012, in Annoyances, Cap'n Firepants, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 29 Comments.

  1. You mean you actually fell for the old ‘head of an oil company’ routine?? That is Meth code for ‘cooking up da sugar and this house is gonna blow the funk-juice up, yo’- that’s what that means! Better call the police, and soon.

  2. Nice investigative work! 🙂

    Bella and DiDi

  3. You seriously crack me up, woman. Also, I rather a suspect a new line moonlighting as a ‘neighbourer investigator’ (like the catchy title?). I’d like to know more about the slightly herbal couple two doors down, please….

  4. OMG, between your post and GingerSnaaps response, I can barely breathe for laughing …….LOLOL

  5. 🙂 Hahahaha! Be careful about profiling – it works both ways – have you wondered what “The Clampett”family think of the Firepants family? 🙂

  6. ah! yes but you did it with the best of intentions…not nosey neighbour stuff but protecting Dimples, Mr Firepants, and WB and MrsPIB and pussy….so your intentions were good and now you know the truth…maybe???? Even oil barons can deal drugs!!!

  7. We could use your services here! Also have new neighbors – estate went from no kids younger than 16 to at least two youngins and a yappy dog who is left alone outside too often. A mom with pink hair and a bowlegged dad and a stench of perfume coming off mom that made my dad suggest that they are covering up meth-smells 🙂

  8. I’ll call you Sherlock.

  9. Google saves the day again! They really are the Clampett’s!

  10. jeandayfriday

    I have a set of the Clampetts across the street from me. They recently painted all of their trim, doors and shutters recycle bin blue. It is a pleasure to look out the window daily and be reminded to recycle. 😉

  11. As always, you made me smile!!!

  12. when i read “four kids” and noise at all hours i thought for a minute WE had moved in next door. oh, my. i am not sure we have ever been suspected of drug dealing, but i am sure my neighbors frequently want to call the law on us. oh, and i’ll take the pool – my kids would love it. ;o)

  13. Oil business… hmmm…

  14. Chancy and Mumsy

    Oh, we think you missed your calling in life…you have natural talent for being a spy or detective…good job!! Hugs and nose kisses

  15. Let me tell you a story about a man named Jed…. heheheeh
    Your laughing friends,
    the collies and chuck 🙂

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