Murder by Mattress

Cap’n Firepants is trying to kill me.  And he is quite devious about it.  He acts like he loves me and wants the best for me.  But he is really plotting my demise.

After finally getting our mildew mattress exchanged for a mattress of better quality and NO MILDEW smell, my husband began to implement his Plot to Kill His Wife Slowly By Making Her Brain Implode.

“The new mattress doesn’t smell.”

“Yeah, isn’t it great?”

“But it feels like the old mattress.  Not the mildew one.  The other one.”

Oh God.  The mattress that had a cave-in.  The one that was destroying his back so badly that he started sleeping in the other room so he could walk each day without looking like the Hunchback of San Antonio.

“But how can this be?  You tested it in the store.  It’s supposed to be just like the first model – but better!  It even feels firmer to me than the last one.”

“Not to me.”

“Are you insane?  IT IS FINE!  IT’S BETTER!  IT DOESN’T SMELL!”

“It’s not better to me.”

I am reporting him for spousal abuse.

Once I get admitted to the Rubber Room, which is clearly lined with mattresses, I will slowly be asphyxiated by the smell of foam.  
photo credit:


Posted on June 26, 2012, in Annoyances, Cap'n Firepants, Death, Family, Humor, Marriage, Relationships and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 19 Comments.

  1. oh my. i am soooooo happy you got a new mattress, but so sad that it’s not the same feel! a rubber room lined with mattresses – but, of COURSE! ;o)

  2. This is so sad……but I get it. I have a man in my life too 😦

  3. Chancy and Mumsy

    Oh, no!!! Will there ever be a mattress come to your home that is going to work? That is just not right all you are going through trying to get a mattress you both can sleep on, be comfortable and have a pleasant smell. What ever will you do now? Hugs!

  4. It may not be the mattress which is the problem…what does the mattress lie on…springs or slats. If it is springs it may be that which is causing the problem and if it is slats then get some hardboard to make it firmer…problem sorted!

  5. I’m experiencing the same pains, but on a much smaller scale. In our house, it’s a Wii controller that is substandard.

  6. I find the floor or back of a chair works well, could he sleep there instead??

  7. He’s grieving the old mattress and doesn’t know what to do now that his back doesn’t hurt all the time. Remember, the couch is always an option for husbands to sleep on.

  8. Gees, why does he have to be so difficult?! 😉

  9. On the bright side, he won;t be getting enough sleep or feel strong enough to carry out the rest of his insiduous plan…

  10. BOL! Hooowwwlllll! That man is so devious.

    Bella and DiDi

  11. I hate, hate, hate my mattress and all things to do with buying mattresses. Glad yours isn’t moldly any more, though!

  12. Wow! I like the idea of a mattress room!!! But, then a rubber room sounds nice too! Would be a nice vacation from this madhouse.. heheheh

  13. Typical man! LMAO! My mom loves your dog! 😀

  1. Pingback: A Canon of Creative Cannonball Uses « whatimeant2say

  2. Pingback: I’m Surprised it Didn’t Just Fall on our Car « whatimeant2say

  3. Pingback: You Are about to Walk the Plank, Cap’n Firepants « whatimeant2say

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: