Dear Katie Holmes: At Least You Aren’t 43

Well, I just got some bad news, so this post is probably not going to be as LOL hysterical as usual.  I’m just warning you; read at your own risk.

The bad news is celebrity related, but you may be surprised to learn that my depression was not brought on by the announcement that Katie Holmes finally came to her senses and is divorcing Tom Cruise.

It has to do with another celebrity, Nora Ephron, who died this week.  Nora wrote When Harry Met Sally, one of my many favorite movies.  I am sad to hear that she is no longer with us, and I have said a Jedi prayer in her honor.  But, that is not what has bummed me out, either.

As a tribute to Nora, I thought I should read her book about hating her neck.  And, this is where I got my bad news.  Amongst all of the cheerful information about turkey necks, chicken necks, and all fowl necks in between, Nora mentioned that her doctor had informed her that the decline of the neck begins at the age of 43.

I am 43.

Until this moment, I have not even thought about worrying about my neck, being more obsessed lately with my ridiculous vision changes, and trying not to let anyone know that the reason I can’t identify the rash on their arm is because I cannot see the rash on their arm unless they do me the favor of holding their arm a mile away.  Instead, I tell them that I’m not a doctor, but it doesn’t look to me like they have anything on their arm.  And now, they are going to die as a direct result of my vanity because I told them there is nothing wrong with them when they really probably have a fatal disease.

I used to think about my neck all of the time – back when I watched Ally McBeal, and the character Richard Fish was obsessed with the necks of older women, and could not be satisfied until he had touched a woman’s “wattle”.  I used to think, “Hmm.  I’m glad I don’t have a wattle.  Because I am not at all attracted to Richard Fish, and I think I would have to kick him in the groin if he tried to touch any part of my body.”  Now, in the last season of Ally McBeal, when Jon Bon Jovi was on, I finally found a character who I would have gladly allowed to touch my wattle.  But, alas, he did not appear to have a wattle fetish.

Now, I am 43.  And I am worried that Richard Fish is lurking around the corner waiting to touch my newly formed wattle.  And, if he did that now, I would probably just sit down right there on the pavement and start crying because I have a wattle.

Or, because Nora Ephron died.  Or, because Katie Holmes wasted over 5 years of her life on Tom Cruise.

It’s a sad day.

This guy has more to worry about then his wattle. What the heck is going on with his beak?
photo credit: Duane Burdick via photo pin cc


Posted on June 29, 2012, in Aging, Depression, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 35 Comments.

  1. Sad day though it may be, you made it funnier.

  2. Forehead wattle! That comes at 63. Loads of time.

  3. Go Katie Holmes!! And, I didn’t know you were having all sorts of vision problems- I could see how the neck information would send you into a downward spiral. 😦

  4. Nora Ephron was the inspiration that started me blogging – because I felt really sad about my neck.

  5. How’d you get that picture of my turkeys? Identical! Re the turkey neck, I now have one – sort of – but I’m a teensy bit older than you. I have learned to embrace it – sort of!

  6. i have always been obsessed with my neck. and the necks of others. young or old – it’s just strange skin between your head and well the upper parts of your ahems. it’s just an odd piece of human. and, sadly, it has not aged well on me. katie holmes – really, i am not sad. she should have gotten out when he jumped on oprah’s couch. nora ephron – sad. i think i might have to watch when harry met sally for like the millionth to honor her passing.

    • Weirdly, I’ve been spending the last month worried about my elbows. I keep thinking they look old, but of course they look wrinkly when I bend my arms backward to look at them…

  7. Maybe your neck will be the exception that proves the rule.

    I have been alarmed by my vision changes, too. I was reading The Hobbit to my husband last night and wondered why the world shrunk when I took off my reading glasses.

  8. I too loved Nora,read everything she wrote.Brilliant always. Hey I kinda of like Mr Turkeys beak and neck. Very Sexy in a turkey sort of way. 🙂

  9. It was pretty funny. Sometimes sad things have to be, or just end up that way. 🙂

    • I can find something funny at a funeral. As soon as my body goes into grieving mode, it starts to look for a way out.

      • I do that with anything sad no matter how big or small. It’s a family thing, but it has its problems, like my mom never accepting the seriousness of my ED because we both make jokes about it all the time.

  10. Chancy and Mumsy

    Sorry about your sad but some of this was still funny. I have never had much of a neck and the older I get the closer to my shoulders my head seems to sit…now I know why. Hugs

  11. I was very bummed when I heard about Nora yesterday. I LOVE her writing.
    I’m not too happy to learn about “wattle” at age 43. Probably because I am 54. Now I keep checking my neck when I pass by a mirror, looking for turkeys. And I have you, Mrs. Firepants, to thank for that. 😉

  12. May your neck be ever admired! Nora was fabulous, may she rest in peace, but the turkey? Now that poor devil needs help.

  13. You had me at Wattle.

  14. Your reference to a woman’s “wattle” made me laugh 🙂 I shall do some “wattle” spotting when I walk through my neighborhood! 🙂

  15. LOL… I know how you feel at not being able to see things close up…. I love to read and cant do it without reading glasses… stinks… I have to admit I laughed all the way through this! Ginger says you should tell people its not a rash it is a wattle… ehheheh

  16. I am sure your wattle will be the bestest most perfect wattle the world will ever see!

  17. I’d completely forgotten about Richard Fish and his fetish for touching women’s wattles…. I always thought it was waddles… lol…. thank you for reminding me…. Yes I too have one of my very own now…. yikes….. and chin hair…. argh……. At least Katie got out while the getting is still good….. RIP Nora……

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