Hypochondriacs Should Not Have Access to the Internet

There is something wrong with me.  No one knows what it is.  The CIA refuses to believe that terrorists are poisoning my food.  And the doctors refuse to believe that I am not crazy.  But has anyone bothered to test me for cat litter disease?  I think not.

I thought toxoplaswhatever was just a great excuse for getting out of changing the litter box for the nine months I was pregnant.  But, it turns out that pregnant women are not the only victims.  In fact, 1/3 of the world’s population is walking around with this infection RIGHT NOW!

A test of a bunch of Danish women showed that the ones with the infection had a higher risk of suicide attempts than those without the infection.  According to the scientists, it is not necessarily causally related.

But, I’m not fooled.  Notice that this study consisted entirely of women.  The scientists are just trying to cover up the fact that these poor women all married husbands who force them to change the litter box.

Of course, I have not attempted suicide.  (Unless you count the time, last week, when I drove on the highway at night without turning my car headlights on.  But, that was kind of not really deliberate, so I don’t think that counts.  And, let’s not mention that minor incident to Cap’n Firepants, okay?)  And, I am not Danish.  So, I guess that is why no doctor has recommended this test for me.

Oh, and we don’t have a cat.  We used to have a cat, though.  Who committed suicide.  Okay, not really.  But, I am pretty sure that I did get toxoplaswhatchamacallit, and I am, right this moment, suffering from other problems that it causes which the sexist Danish scientists have not yet discovered – such as an inefficient colon and a tendency to acquire mattresses that need immediate disposal.

My point is that I am quite frustrated with the inability, or the complete lack of curiosity, on my doctors’ parts to figure out what is wrong with me.  Doesn’t anyone know how to Google besides me?

You should really thank me for not including any of the other pics I got when I did a search for  “kitty litter”.
photo credit: Rescue Rabbit via photo pin cc

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Posted on July 4, 2012, in Cats, Doctors, Humor, Terrorism and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 17 Comments.

  1. This post speaks to me. It’s like you’re reading my mind.

    No, seriously–are you reading my mind? Someone is. They’re eating my alpha-waves.

  2. OHMYGOD!!!! I have the same symptoms!
    Well, except for the…and the…
    waitaminute…I have no symptoms of anything.

    Maybe you should just use the internet for what it was designed for – surfing porn?

  3. Thank you for not including any of the other pics you got when you did a search for ”kitty litter” 🙂

  4. That cat has an evil eye…

  5. I always diagnose myself, go to the doctor and tell them what I have. That always seems to help them figure out what I don’t have at least. 😉

    • My doctors tell me what I have and then tell me to look it up on the internet to find out what I should do about it. Medical school seems like kind of a waste these days.

  6. Sounds serious, your doc needs to help you out there! I’d recommend staying away from Web MD. Just looking up headache as a symptom has convinced me I’ve got at least 5 kinds of fatal infections and a ringworm. 😉

    • Half the time I don’t even make it to Web MD. I end up on some random message board where everyone has different advice and horrible things have happened to them. It’s depressing.

  7. I have the exact same problem. Well, I don’t think I have that because my mom made me stop cleaning the litter box because of that, but I do agree that hypochondriacs should not have access to the internet.

  8. O no!!! I am sending you massive get well soon hugs, I think you need a lie down does that help with toxissomethingthatdoesnt sound nice??? Have a cup of tea, that always helps the two legs here!

  9. Oh, I read about that study and it cheered me up a bit. We got a dumb cat to catch the dumb mouse. I am allergic to cats, but I was just fed up with the damn mouse (I refuse to acknowledge that there may be more than one) who couldn’t be caught using traps and bait. The thought of the dumb mouse wandering suicidally toward my lazy cat’s maw… why that would make it all worth it!

  10. Reblogged this on James Bush Pages.

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