Can You Buy Me a Finger? You Know Which One…

When I married Cap’n Firepants, I did not realize that there was an extra bonus to this relationship – he enjoys grocery shopping.

I hate grocery shopping.  Despise it.  It bores the heck out of me and the store is always freezing and it depresses me to spend all of that money on food instead of a good pair of shoes.

So, Cap’n Firepants does our household shopping.

We used to have a pretty good system using an app on both of our phones that allowed us to add to the list.  But then we started getting out of sync with each other and one person would have the list finished and the other person would delete it because he/she I thought it was the list from last week.  And then someone would be a bit upset.  So then someone else stopped adding things to the list.

Cap’n Firepants likes to shop early on weekend mornings.  When I am still asleep.  Before he leaves, our conversation goes like this:

“I’m leaving for the store.”

I have a pillow over my head and vaguely hear something.  He taps me on my shoulder.  I whip the pillow off.

“I’m leaving,” he repeats.

I slowly focus on what he is saying.  “Peach Propel,” I say, and put the pillow back over my head.

I am here to tell you that this method does not work very well.

The Cap’n does get the one thing I managed to voice before he left.  And the other things that we always get.  But, then, he goes off the reservation.  And starts buying things that he hasn’t bought in awhile, thinking that we must surely be out of them since he hasn’t bought them in awhile.  It does not occur to him that he has not bought them in awhile because we still have a huge stock of them and don’t need any more.

This is why we have 4 packages of hot dogs in our refrigerator, 3 bottles of Miralax in our medicine cabinet, and 5 thousand packages of shredded cheddar cheese.

It has occurred to me that the solution to this problem is to make a Don’t Buy This Ever Again, or at Least in the Foreseeable Future List.  It would include:

  • hot dogs
  • cheddar cheese
  • Miralax
  • potatoes
  • mattresses
  • anything you expect me to cook that does not have directions on the package

But then I would have to maintain that list.  And, eventually, I will want one of the things on that list, and then we will have a fight over which list is the list of things to buy and which is the list of things to avoid.  And then Cap’n Firepants might decide to put me on a list – of People He No Longer Shops For.

And that would be a disaster for the entire Firepants household.  Because a house without hot dogs or  Miralax and with 5 thousand bags of cheddar cheese is not a house you want to enter.  Trust me.

I now know that there is a whole website dedicated to grocery lists. And they have even published a book. And if anyone can figure out why someone would put “Toe” on a grocery list, then I would love to hear your answer.
courtesy of:

Posted on July 5, 2012, in Cap'n Firepants, Family, Humor, Marriage, Relationships and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 36 Comments.

  1. OK – so, 1) what is Miralax? and, 2) you have a husband who willingly does your grocery shopping! and, 3) you have a husband who WILLINGLY does your grocery shopping!!!

  2. This so funny i am outside of the grocery store debating to go in and reading this LOL Same thing at our house we either have 5 bags of cheese or none. But no Toe lol

  3. You can always donate the extra stuff he buys to charity… 🙂 As for a finger.. I only deal with middle ones.. heheheeheh

  4. Right now I am dealing with having to take both kids grocery shopping because school is out. This does not make me a happy person. I only go when I’m desperate, like we have no lunch. Thankfully, my husband has usually been going at night. I am a much worse shopper because I’ll say, “Oh we don’t need cookies, I can make cookies.” And then I never do. My husband will buy the stinking cookies.

  5. toe!? i have no idea what that means, but it’s damn funny. i can totally relate to this post, too. here it’s 10 bottles of ranch and not one speck of a salad. or 24 hot dogs and one bun that looks like it was frozen sometime during WWII. hubby loves to shop, but if left unattended he will spend our entire food budget for the week on “snacks.” that is why i bang my head against the wall weekly in a lame effort to shop appropriately for six people. sucks.

    • Ughh. I have trouble shopping for one person, much less 6! And we always have the hotdog bun problem, too. WHY CAN’T I GET THE NUMBER OF HOTDOGS TO MATCH THE NUMBER OF BUNS?!!!! I am slightly frustrated by that issue…

  6. I wear jeans and a sweater to the grocery store. It’s been 97 degrees outside. But jeans and a sweater for inside the store.

  7. Our list (probably like Wonderbutt’s and Mrs. Pibb’s) is simple.
    1. Kibble
    2. Treats
    Maybe everyone is allowed 2 things each?

    • Wonderbutt likes to investigate the bags that the Cap’n brings in from the grocery store. He is not very picky about what he ingests. A package of sponges would suit him just fine.

  8. My hubby does the shopping too. Except he never tells me when he’s going. The kids have already added their junk to the list, and Mom loses, haha. And then sometimes we both go, and we end up with 2 gallons of milk, 2 loaves of bread, etc. I’m with you though. I hate grocery shopping. I’d rather shop for clothes!

    • The only thing I hate worse than grocery shopping is grocery shopping with the other members of my family! We all have different shopping methods, and I end up wanting to scream and have a tantrum in the middle of an aisle. You’ve probably heard me before. Kids aren’t the only ones who throw a fit at the store.

  9. Haha! This is hilarious! Sounds like our house too, only we have an ongoing argument whilst going round the store that goes something like

    Me: “We need this”
    Him: “we’ve got loads in the cupboard”
    Me: “are you sure??”
    Him: “yes. I’m not wasting money on buying stuff that we’ve already got”
    An hour later, at home…
    Me: “where’s the [insert anything here – cheese, bread, milk, juice, potatoes, pasta, washing up liquid, toilet rolls…]? You said we had loads”
    Him: “well I *thought* we had it…. We’ll have to manage til next week, I’m not going back”

    Next week in the store:
    Me: “we definitely need this”
    Him: “we argued about it last week….we don’t need any more….”


  10. Hahahaha, it must be a man thing – tall person likes grocery shopping 🙂

  11. Lasagna noodles are the item that stocks up in the cabinet in unbelievable quantities.

  12. Possible solution: Make Cheesy Potato Hot Dog Casserole 4 days in a row. Then you’ll need the Miralax.
    Let me know if you find a 2 for 1 sale on toes because I won’t buy them if they’re not on sale.

  13. You guys really are a match made in heaven! Except for the list issue… And the toe thing, that’s just not appetizing at all!
    J hates shopping too but since I’m both cook and shopper for us he only gets consulted for anything extra that he wants.

  14. Miranda Gargasz

    Jim also likes to grocery shop, however he is ALWAYS off the reservation. I sent him to the store for one solitary can of green beans once and he came back three hours later with a truck load of groceries and NO green beans! Holy ADHD, Batman!

    • Oh, yes. We’ve had that happen, too. Although, admittedly, I send him for something random for one of the rare recipes that I am trying to bake, and he can’t find it. “Did you ask someone?” I always say. And he stares at me like that’s one of the dumbest things he’s ever heard.

  15. Where can you buy toes??

  16. I absolutely agree that there should be a strict law against going shopping with your man. Most guys lack the DNA to do it right. When he does go with me, like when we are on vacation, he never says anything other than “Do we need that? I don’t think we do.” And being a man, he is always right. Sigh…
    Yes, the middle finger suits just fine.

  17. haha, I used to love Propel, but now I am on a Snapple kick. We have the same problems over here, but I do the shopping. My main complaint is that lately (when I have the kids with me) I spend on avg $20 more than I would have on crap they insist we get. Ugh!

  18. Chancy and Mumsy

    I have no idea why anyone needs ‘toe’ on their grocery list. I don’t think our market carries toes. lol I hate to think of my hubby grocery shopping there would be nothing to eat but meat, cookies, cake, ice cream…well, you get the idea. Oh and he may remember to get coffee. Hugs

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