This Marriage is Over

Cap’n Firepants wants to divorce me. I would like to file the legal papers first, but I’m in that week of the month when I don’t allow myself to make any major decisions or sign legal documents.

Of course, he hasn’t actually come out and said that he is planning to divorce me. But I know he is.

Because he unplugged my flat iron.

At first, I thought this was a great reason for me to head down to the court house and start my own proceedings. But, then I realized that there was a message there. And, it was not, “I’m going to drive you crazy by doing things that will make you divorce me.” Instead, if you really read between the lines, it was, “This girls is going nuts, but it’s useless to even tell her, so I will just pretend everything is fine and slap her with papers when she least expects it.”

You see, I knew the flat iron was still on and plugged in. But Cap’n Firepants did not know I knew. But, instead of yelling to me, “Hey, did you mean to leave your flat iron plugged in?” he just assumed that I did not know because I must be losing it, and unplugged it.

Naive people might believe that he was being kind by not mentioning to me that I forgot to unplug the iron, which, by the way, I DID NOT FORGET, but I know the truth.

I confronted Cap’n Firepants with this information.

“Oh, I didn’t tell you?” he said, feigning ignorance.

“No, you didn’t. And I am pretty certain this is your subtle way of saying that you want a divorce.”

He laughed. And then he said, I KID YOU NOT, “Do you mean all of the other subtle ways didn’t tell you that?”

I can’t wait until my moratorium week is over.



Posted on July 8, 2012, in Cap'n Firepants, Family, Humor, Marriage, Relationships, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 17 Comments.

  1. Hide the tv remote control and get even. Then we’ll see whose filing those papers.

  2. Fill out your papers saying he gets custody of Wonderbutt, then just let him read them.
    That’ll keep him in line.

  3. No DIVORCE..that is the easy and wrong way. Capt Firepants did you a favour. Just supposing your flat iron had overheated, just supposing it caught fire, just supposing it burnt all your lovely new furniture and worse of all just supposing WB , Mrs PIB and pussy had all suffered.

    Be grateful that he was thoughtful enough and cared enough to save you from such trauma…

    Give him a cuddle not a divorce xxxxxxx

  4. I don’t even know what a flat iron is!
    He would never divorce you because his life would be devoid of your crazy funnyness!

  5. Hahahahaha! It’s amazing what you read into things šŸ™‚

  6. So, another translation is required (but I reckon I’ve got it, thanks to the pic). A flat iron is the same as hair straighteners, yes?

    Let me get this right… a man who WILLINGLY does the grocery shopping AND who turns off your hair straightening iron for you… Factoring in hormones, my advice (for what it’s worth) is to wait 3 days and see if you still think he wants a divorce… Cap’n Firepants is gold, baby!

    You make me laugh! šŸ™‚

  7. Thank you sister for these lovely blogs, It puts a smile on my face and makes me laugh out loud šŸ™‚

  8. He’s just telling you you don’t need the flat iron to be purdy.

  9. Haha. Glad I don’t use a flat iron so that won’t happen to me. That’s a difficult situation. My mom leaves the bathroom light on and I never know if she knows it or doesn’t. Most of the time it’s the latter.

  10. He’s just lucky you’re cutting him some slack for a week. Seriously, the guy is asking for trouble! šŸ™‚

  11. That man is out of control.

  12. Just one question: who gets custody of Wonderbutt?

  13. Ginger says let Wonderbutt eat his favorite chair.. that’ll teach him! LOL

  14. Ahh, you are still sad from Katie Holmes divorcing Tom Cruise… don’t just jump to that! šŸ™‚ Dimples would be devastated to hear the final straw was a flat iron.

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