MacGyver Wouldn’t Have This Problem

I just returned from my Harvard trip, and realized I forgot to post this before I left…

I just bought two pairs of shoes that I didn’t really want.  I am very depressed.

I am going to Harvard next week, and I keep getting e-mails about the dress code.  Because we will be walking to most places on cobblestone streets, we are being told that “flats are great.”  We are also being told to dress professionally.  And there is my conundrum.  Because the only women who wear flats and are professionals are nuns, in my opinion.

The only “flats” I like are flip-flops.  According to many bosses I have worked for, flip-flops do not fall into the “professional” category.

Flats with closed toes make me look short.  None of the e-mails forbade me to look short.  But I still don’t want to look short.  Because that makes me feel squat.  And squat = fat.

I decided that I might be able to compromise by wearing wedges, which are flat on the bottom, but would not make my foot flat, and my legs short, and my stomach fat.

I was thinking about this very issue the other night when the Cap’n and I went out on a date.  A woman passed by who was wearing the perfect combination of professionally flat shoes that I had pictured in my brain.  They were black, peep-toe wedges with a bit of leopard print near the toes.

“She is wearing MY shoes,” I hissed to Cap’n Firepants.

Cap’n Firepants was not looking at her shoes.  She was a very attractive woman, who was very tall, and had many other attractive attributes besides her perfect flats.

I considered asking the woman where she had bought her shoes.  And if she had bought her other attractive attributes as well.  But I had not had a glass of wine yet, so I was not feeling very assertive.  After two glasses of wine, my self-confidence returned in such full force that I fully believed that I did not need those stupid shoes anyway because I am so wonderful that I can wear any pair of shoes – even the ones with the separate toes – and I will look professional and unsquat – and even, to some, attractive.

These are professional, right?
photo credit: JasonTank via photo pin cc

After I slept off my two glasses of wine, and awoke my normal, pusillanimous self, I panicked.  With one day left until my trip, I made a last-ditch effort to find some appropriate footwear by visiting two mega shoe stores in my neighborhood.  At each one, I broke my Cardinal Rule of Shoe Shopping (to spend money only on Shoes That Make Me Look Awesome), and bought a Pair That Makes Me Look Like A Woman Who Wears Pantsuits.

Even as I write this post, I am glaring at the shoe boxes holding my Sensible Shoes.  My eyes wander and light on a bin in the corner of the room.  A bin of duct tape.  The leopard print roll is right on top.

Maybe I can salvage these shoes after all…


Posted on July 15, 2012, in Fashion, Humor, Shoes and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 24 Comments.

  1. MacGyver would have had the separate toe shoes in different colors, with pockets for cash and spare swiss army knife.
    And I think I’ll get a pair of those for my next interview.

    So how did the flats work out at Harvard? Did the dress-code police approve?

  2. I have a friend who sometimes wears those toe shoes you pictured and yet she is otherwise a ‘power dresser’ as in she wears high end outfits and always looks very professional. The other day we met for lunch and it wasn’t until we were saying our goodbyes that I looked down to her feet and I couldn’t stop laughing – in the same way I am laughing at your post. You are so hilarious!

  3. As someone who could possibly be described as short, and/or squat (I blame my parents) AND as someone who cannot reasonably be expected to actually walk in heels, I am a fan of the ballet flat, myself…

  4. you caved never buy things you don’y love

  5. DIY! I can’t wear flats because they never hide my toes completely so I end up walking around with bits of toe showing which just looks awkward cause they’re just lines.

  6. My goal is to never again attend any function that prohibits running shoes as a fashion choice. And I feel your pain – I have several pairs of nun shoes. At 5’10”, nothing makes me look short, but they definitely make me feel frumpy and grumpy.

  7. Leopard print duct tape? I want!! Can’t wait to hear all about your time at Harvard! And did the shoes work out for you?
    I hate buying sensible shoes too, they really do make one feel short and squat. Plus pretty shoes are just more fun!

  8. we are waining with bated breaths for photos,, please………..


  9. My theory is that women who wear heels each day will be the first victims of a zombie apocalypse. I prefer footwear that allows me to get away.

    That said, I often wear cute sneakers with my “nice” pants to work. I’d rather my kids remember me as the free spirit than the teacher who always limped about.

    • I pretty much live in flip-flops all summer, but I do usually wear something with at least a 1/4 inch heel when I’m teaching. I know it’s stupid, but I like to be a bit taller than my 5th graders.

  10. i’ve taken to wearing heels again now that my youngest is three, so my advice on this is: RETURN, RETURN, RETURN.

  11. I love your shoes with the separate toes!

  12. Those shoes are so strange. I don’t know if my toes need to hang out by themselves? I have never really enjoyed shoe shopping. Mostly because I wear a size ele-cough cough hack hack, and mostly everything looks like i am wearing a long canoe on my foot. So… it sucks, because I think shoes are so adorable on other people’s reasonably sized feet but not my own. 😦

  1. Pingback: When Bad Moms Wear Good Shoes « whatimeant2say

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