When Bad Moms Wear Good Shoes

I decided not to duct tape my shoes.  Not because I didn’t think it would look good.  Primarily because of an incident that occurred several years ago around the 4th of July.  That was back during the time when Dimples somewhat let me select her outfits, and I was determined to have a cute Independence Day ensemble for her to wear, but Old Navy refused to cooperate.  (Because I was shopping in July.  If I had had the foresight to shop for the 4th of July  the day after Valentine’s Day, I would have had a huge inventory from which to choose, I am sure.)  By the time I realized June had ended, and the holiday was fast-approaching, the only footwear left at Old Navy was blue and red flip flops with yellow and purple paint splotches all over the soles.

So, I got out some red paint that I used for scrapbooking, covered up the unpatriotic colors, let the paint dry for 24-hours, and Dimples was perfectly accessorized for the Celebration of the Birth of Our Great Nation.

And then we went out in the real world of San Antonio, where the heat and humidity and the sweat on my daughter’s feet became the perfect chemical combination to bare her mother’s idiotic quest for perfection to the entire world in the form of red feet.  And somehow the coloring started to creep up the tops of her feet, which made her look like a piece of celery in a science experiment gone very wrong.

Anyway, so I learned my lesson about modifying footwear.  Which is, Don’t – Because Something Embarrassing Will Happen.  To Me.  Even if It’s Not My Footwear.

There is an addendum to that rule, however.  You can modify footwear when something embarrassing has already happened, and you are trying to Prevent it From Getting Worse.  This is best exemplified by the time that Dimples’ flip-flop broke at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter – a place that has an overabundance of wizard wands and chocolate frogs, but no Payless Shoes kiosks.  In that instance, I took my cloth belt off my shorts, pulled one end through the hole in her flip flop, the other end through the other side, and wrapped it like a thong around her leg.

In retrospect, that was probably not less embarrassing than hopping around in one flip-flop, and I really wish I had taken a picture of my innovative solution for that problem.

So, regarding my great Shoe Dilemma in yesterday’s post (which was really written over a week ago), I’m afraid this is going to be very anti-climactic.  I feel compelled to finish up the shoe story, because some of you asked.  To be honest, though, the shoe story is one of those stories that should just remain incomplete because, really, it ended very undramatically.  In fact, I probably shouldn’t even have started the story in the first place.  Lesson learned.

So, I did not duct tape my shoes for Harvard, because I was afraid of the embarrassing consequences.  Instead, I wore one of my new pairs of sensible shoes on the first day.  Big mistake.  They cut the crap out of my big toes, leaving me with sizable chunks of flesh carved out right underneath each cuticle.

I wore black flip-flops the rest of the time.  And Harvard did not expel me.  For my comfortable shoes, my ugly toes, or my stupidity.

Insensibly Torturous Shoes



Posted on July 16, 2012, in Dimples, Family, Fashion, Humor, Parenting, Shoes and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 27 Comments.

  1. If you were in Georgia you could have popped into one of the little shoe repair shops that I am sure would have had Dimples and you back on your feet in no time! 🙂

  2. I come from the land of flip-flops (in New Zealand, we call them jandals. Strange but true). There ain’t nuthin’ wrong with a black pair – they go with e v e r y t h i n g !

  3. The shoe fix with the cloth belt is creative genius. I have got to try that one! I wonder if I could sabotage my kids shoes without them knowing. I am not a mean mom, but embarrassed kids are much easier to keep in line.

  4. I bet Harvard adored you!

  5. Chancy and Mumsy

    Well, we think flip-flops were just fine to wear at Harvard…we are all for comfort no matter where you are. Hugs

  6. I love the dyed feet. I’m guessing your daughter probably didn’t though. I’ve made the same mistake with newly tie-dyed shirts on a 100 degree day. It didn’t go over too well.

  7. Brilliant BOL!

  8. I say go for comfort – always! Sounds like you’re quite a good solutions person though (except for the reddened child).

  9. Yay for comfy shoes! I don’t know why they can’t make nice looking shoes that don’t kill your feet.

  10. And just think, now you’ve got a perfect reason not to wear sensible shoes in the future – they just don’t work…

  11. Haha, that feet picture is funny!! Oh, those were cute shoes, but I am glad you got to wear comfy shoes… even around the big wigs at CO. 🙂 Did you wear a cloth belt just in case they busted?

  12. the photo of dimples’ feet is hysterical. omg. my girls (any of the them) would have KILLED me. and i would have laughed. hard.

  13. You are a genius! 🙂 Great solution! 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: