Do You Have a Bucket I Can Borrow?

Holy Sith!  I am 3 posts away from my big Blogiversary.  How did this happen?  How did time go by so suddenly?

How do I not have a Big Party planned?

I had every intention of doing something totally wild.  Completely different.  Now, here I am with no plans, no ideas, and no creativity left in my body after nearly one whole year of blogging every single day.

And, to top all of that off, I have completed absolutely nothing on my blogging bucket list.  I still don’t have buzzillion subscribers, no publisher or agent has offered me a contract, AND MY DOG STILL PEES IN THE HOUSE!  I have not made one ounce of progress in 362 days.  And I doubt things will change in the next 3.

On the other hand, I accomplished plenty of things that were not on my list.

  • My professional blog, which I do not promote at all in the blogosphere, had more hits each day of last week than this one.  I did not post at all on my professional blog last week.  Not once.  And people still read it more than this one.  Yep.  That stings.
  • My bulldog, Wonderbutt, has learned how to text.  It’s quite phenomenal, but David Letterman still has not invited either one of us to appear on “Stupid Pet Tricks”.  Big mistake, Letterman.  We’re talking goldmine, Baby.
  • If I yell, “Cap’n Firepants!” in the house, my husband will know that I am talking to him.  And, come running.  Because he does not want to be negatively reflected on my blog.  I’m sure he is wishing now that we had drawn up a Pre-Nuptial Agreement that specifically forbade me to blog.  And denied me a driver’s license.  He hates my driving.  Worse than my blogging.  He would happily change the name on his driver’s license to Mr. Cap’n Firepants if I promised to never drive again.  Maybe.
  • My daughter, Dimples, yells, “And you can’t put that on your blog,” immediately after she does anything that might be perceived as embarrassing.  I tell her, “That wasn’t in our Pre-Natal Agreement.”  She doesn’t know what the heck I’m talking about.  Which is actually not a new problem, unfortunately.
  • I figured out where Malawi is, because I have exactly one reader there.  Moni, Amayi.  That is supposed to mean, “Hello, Madam” in Malawi.  I think.  If it means something crude, I apologize.
  • I am mad at David Sedaris.  At a local appearance, he told an audience member who asked for advice on becoming a writer, “Write every day.”  I now realize that this does, indeed, make me a writer.  But NOT A PAID ONE.  I think that was implied in the question, Mr. Sedaris.  I mean, I know you’re probably sick of that question, and you don’t want to give away any major secrets, but I think you could give us a bit more direction than that.  Sheesh. That would be like someone asking me, “What should I do to become a teacher?”, and me saying, “Teach your dog how to text.”  No, that’s a bad analogy.  BECAUSE YOU WOULD MAKE MONEY IF YOU TAUGHT YOUR DOG TO TEXT!!!!

So, now that I have spent a year filling the wrong dang bucket, I guess I need to decide if I am going to dump it out and start over – or just look for a new bucket.  Or just put the bucket over my head and bang it against the wall.  Yeah, that sounds good.

My original bucket. Getting filled.
photo credit: Simczuk via photo pin cc

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Posted on July 18, 2012, in Blogging, Humor, Writing and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 40 Comments.

  1. I think I’ll see if my person will teach me to text. Then Wonderbutt and I can text each other. Woo woo!

  2. It is only a matter of time before your writing wit earns you fame and fortune and when that heppens just remember I am your biggest fan!
    Where is your professional blog?

  3. I had to stop reading this post on my phone as I was walking down the street, because I was laughing so hard (with you, not at you!) that I was worried I’d bump into someone. Every word you’ve written … maybe minus the husband bit because mine hasn’t shown up yet (oh, and Bubba is too young yet to veto what I blog about) … totally resonates with me. Blogging for 17 months, although only daily for almost 8 months and my bucket list is looking a little sad too. I went to a course last night which promised tips on how to get more traffic to your blog and get yourself a book deal. I think I was more hopeful prior to the course than I am today! Personally, I find it astounding that you haven’t been snapped up to write a witty sitcom, or at least a book! Maybe next year?

  4. Please don’t dump the bucket… I would miss you.

    Oh, and CONGRATULATIONS!

  5. You are so funny!!! I love “Pre-Natal Agreement” 🙂 Keep writing and I promise I will keep laughing 🙂

  6. I so look forward to your post. I might even say that I live for them but I won’t. I look forward to Cap’n Firepants and dimples completes my day but I won’t. What I will say is that I really look forward to you and your post. It brings a smile to my face while I am at work. I love the dog or should I say dogs? And I love that you are consistence in your writings. You always include me/us as followers in the ever changing world that you call life. Thank you for giving me a short pause in this world of stress. Kiss that baby girl, pat firepants on the ass and give that dog/dogs a bone you wonderful author, of life, you!.

  7. SORRY that was me above I was not signed in……Snot a stalker, wait I mean not a stalker 😉 Happy almost Blogiversary

  8. the curtain raiser

    Liking the bucket and the humour. I learned there’s no real rhyme or reason to Internet stats and to take it as it comes. Keep at it and happy almost blogoversary!

  9. Happy Blogoversary! I hit mine on Sunday, and I’ve hit very few of my markers, either. Meet me for drinks to drown our sorrows?

  10. Chancy and Mumsy

    We think you deserve an award not only for your humorous, wonderful writing but for a post ever day. Your day will come just don’t stop writing. Looking forward to many more of your terrific posts. Hugs and nose kisses

  11. I get the same “don’t write about that” responses from Tammy. haha…

    Wonderbutt needs to meet Savannah so she could teach him how to not pee in the house and he could teach her how to text.

    Congrats on your upcoming anniversary. I definitely admire you posting every day.

  12. If I posted every day, the world would be a dull place. Congrats to you. That’s an accomplishment! And I’m dying to know what your other blog is. No little tidbits? Please tell me it’s not a porn site. 😉

  13. You are brilliant, I wish my blog was as popular of half as funny as your own!! Keep up the good work, and I would love to see a video of you, avec bucket on head banging it against a wall – just helping out with tomorrows post! BOL

  14. Letterman really is missing out…
    Seriously, what is up with the crappy summer stats – not impressed! We work our butts off to put out something resembling quality, and nothin’.
    I love that you can call your hubby Cap’n Firepants in real life and he knows what’s up!!
    Awesome post, lady! Had me laughing! 🙂

  15. Happy (early) blogiversary! Just the fact that you’ve managed to keep up posting every day is worthy of celebration. It’s all I can do to post once a week.

    And hey, the ability to strike fear into the hearts of your family with the mere threat of a blog post has to be worth something!

  16. Actually, I’m happier I have a blog more for the people I’ve met and stuff I now get to read than I am for having the site.
    The sphere would be a poorer place without you in it.

    And think what a chapter this will make in your memoirs!

  17. No, No – don’t stop this blog – I love it. I can fully understand the husband and child’s reactions though. My Basket-Case (sorry, husband) feels the same way and my Mom spends her life telling me not to blog about her (actually, I think I’ll just write a book with all her crazy sayings in it).

    Anyway, here’s another “read”, “like”, “comment” for this blog – keep it up!

  18. Congratulations on almost surviving the first year. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed your work this year.

    I hit my bloggiversary and since then have sucked at posting regularly. Don’t be like me, please.

    The Electrician has vetoed several posts I wanted to over the past few months, so I feel your pain with the Cap’n. Being the spouse of a hopefully successful blogger is a heavy burden.

  19. You are doing great!!! We thionk your blog is the funniest! Keep up the great blogs! 🙂

  20. Don’t give up the blog!!!!! Do you think your writing style has changed any since the beginning? Congrats on one year!

  21. Don’t give up! We love the blog! Bang your head against the wall and then keep writing. Congratulations!

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