You Are About to Walk the Plank, Cap’n Firepants

No one else you know has acquired as many mattresses as we have in the last three months.  No one.  Unless you know someone who is building a new hotel or fairytale castle or something.

First, we got the smelly mattress.

Which we replaced with the killer mattress.

Then we prematurely inherited 2 sets of Very Old Mattresses along with their antique beds.

So, we decided we should probably replace the Very Old Mattresses.  Because, according to the mattress commercials we will either be suffocated by dust mites or get fat if we use them.

Then, I decided to replace the killer mattress.

“Hello.  Yes, remember me?  We bought a mattress from you, and then it smelled, and then you gave us a different model.  And then it tried to paralyze my husband.”

“Oh.  That’s too bad.”

“So, we want the first mattress back.  But we don’t want that one back.  Because it smelled.  But can you get us another one that is the same model, but doesn’t smell?”

“Well, that model has been discontinued.  But I’ll see what I can do.”

Four hours later…



“Well, it turns out there are only 3 of those mattresses left in the whole United States.  And one of them is in Austin.  But Austin does not transfer to the San Antonio store.  So, here’s what I’m going to do.  I’m going to a meeting in Austin next week.  I’ll put the mattress in my big truck, and bring it to San Marcos.  San Marcos will transfer it to our warehouse in San Antonio, and then our guys can deliver it to you.”

“Wow.  That’s really great!  And it’s not the one we returned, right?”


So, I call Cap’n Firepants to deliver the great news.

“…and, he’s going to fly it in from a private island off the coast of South America, and carry it on his back to San Antonio, and then a chariot pulled by 100 armadillos will bring it to our house,” I slightly exaggerated.  “Isn’t that great?” I ask.


“You liked that mattress, right?  It was just the smell we couldn’t handle.”

“It was… okay.”

“I’m going to kill you.”

Arthur the Armadillo, preparing for our mattress delivery expedition.
photo credit: nucleotidingsofjoy via photo pin cc


Posted on July 20, 2012, in Cap'n Firepants, Family, Humor, Marriage, Relationships and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 38 Comments.

  1. Fingers crossed for the mattress – but it’s Arthur the Armadillo I’m wanting to meet!

  2. Doesn’t Cap’n know not to upset our armored overlords?
    I fear for his safety when the armadillo apocalypse comes.

    No, I probably shouldn’t comment after such a long day on so little sleep. Why do you ask?

  3. I thought captain underpants was the bulldog.

  4. I think you definitely have enough material to write a book called ‘Mattress Mishaps’ – if it makes millions you can credit me with the title – 10% of your royalties would be enough.

  5. In fact, I have a couple of mattress stories too, so perhaps you could ask for mattress-based submissions and write a kind of mattress anthology.
    Well it was just an idea!

  6. Private island? Armadillos? Your imagination and sense of humor is awesome – you always awe me 🙂

  7. 100 armadillos… LOL LOVE IT!

  8. Not a jury would convict you.

  9. What’s the betting it’s the same one! Can’t wait to find out!

  10. The armadillos are my favourite part. We don’t have them here, or anywhere near here, and I think they’re so cute.

    The mattress store guy certainly sounds eager to please you. Does he fear immortalization of your dissatisfaction on your blog? Either way, good show.

  11. Mattress wars must end! This one better be good. I slept on a very hard mattress the other night. Not fun, but that’s so nice of the guy to get the mattress for you!

  12. You need to go to another mattress store. And that armadillo is adorable.

  13. After we stopped laughing we thought perhaps you need to get a new mattress company.. LOL

  14. Um, return the mattress and go to a new store, silly! And seriously you need to tell me what store this is next time I see you.

  15. With all that travelling its not gonna smell good. Lol

  16. Chancy and Mumsy

    Oh, no!!! There is a chance Cap’n Firepants won’t like the mattress after all that…oh, my! Will your mattress search ever end? That little Arthur is the cutest armadillo we have ever seen.

  17. BOL! We hope this mattress works out!

  18. I await news whether or not it is the same smelly number. Eagerly awaiting the news.

  19. After all that…. When does the mattress come in?

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