Our Last Mattress. This Year. I Swear. I Hope.
I don’t know if you have been following along with our Mattress Saga, but our house has seen more mattresses lately than a prostitute sees in a week. After I finally convinced my husband to return our current back-breaking mattress, which was a replacement for the smelly mattress, which was a replacement for our ten-year-old mattress with a sinkhole in the middle, and the salesperson committed himself to hijacking Santa’s sleigh and flying around the world to pick it up for us, we finally had a tentative date for what we hoped would be the last mattress of the summer.
The mattress delivery men called my husband to tell him that they were on their way, and would be arriving at the house in 30 minutes.
“This is not a good time,” he said firmly into the phone, and hung up on them.
Well, not exactly.
“This is not a good time. I’m taking my mother to the emergency room,” he said. Which was true. But I still put my head in my hand, and rolled my eyes back in their sockets, figuring he had permanently alienated the only men who might be able to rescue us from the Killer Mattress before our 100 day warranty runs out.
Fortunately, my mother-in-law was only in the hospital for a day. Then, she was able to come stay with us for two days in our guest bedroom. On one of the other beds with a brand new mattress. Yes, we have a mattress-collecting obsessive compulsive disorder.
I called the Manly Mattress Men, and rescheduled our delivery.
They called yesterday to announce their imminent arrival. I answered the phone. Quickly. Before Cap’n Firepants could ruin the whole thing. Again.
They came with our mattress. The brand that we originally got, and then exchanged because it smelled like the shower in a high school boys’ locker room. This one did not smell like mildew.
It smelled like foam. Exactly how it was supposed to smell.
So, we have exchanged our Killer Mattress for one that has off-gases that will probably give us cancer, killing us in 15 years instead of within the next 15 days.
Posted on August 1, 2012, in Cap'n Firepants, Humor, Marriage, Relationships and tagged Cap'n Firepants, humor, life, marriage, mattress, random. Bookmark the permalink. 34 Comments.
…more mattresses lately than a prostitute sees in a week… I’m currently watching the pimps at work in the multi-unit next door to me and wondering if I should send them over to your place.
Just send the johns. Pimps are too bossy.
I hope this mattress works out but a tiny part of me hopes it doesn’t so that we can continue to be entertained at your expense!
I’m not sure I can bear to add any more events to the timeline.
Does a sinkhole trump a hill?
I think it’s all relative.
You are so funny. This is a very serious subject. I can never seem to find the right mattress. They feel one way in the store and very different 6 months after you buy them. Best of luck. And keep us laughing.
Oh no. 6 months would be past our warranty. Let’s hope that doesn’t happen.
I’m not sure what’s more disturbing – the mattress saga, or the detail with which you’ve documented it in the timeline.
Glad the Mother In Law is well!
The timeline is definitely more disturbing. Actually, the time spent on creating the timeline is the worst part.
I hope your relative is on the mend, too!
LOVE the timeline. I was dying for a visual, and that just worked out perfect.
I had way too much time on my hands.
hooray..happy humping at last!
whoops! I meant slumbering! That is because I am reading 50 Shades of Grey
OMG! You made me laugh so hard, I almost drooled all over my keyboard!
That timeline is great – here’s hoping you can file it away and not add another entry til 2027. At least.
Wow. You really are an optimist.
Did you hear the angels singing and that perfect aaaaahhhhhh sound? Sorry, I am not good and writing sounds. I hope you know what sound I mean. I am very happy for you!
I think your celebrating might be premature.
Is something wrong with it?
not that i know of. I’m just a pessimist.
I missed all this! Now that I’m back, I’ll have to catch up on all your stuff.
It’s like a soap opera. After a couple of minutes, you can pretty much tell what’s been going on the last three months.
Don’t underestimate Wonderbutt so early in the game. -_-
Yay! And now when those gases finally get to you, we can all rest easy knowing that you at least slept well.
You’ve reminded me that I still need to buy a new mattress. Now look what you’ve started, a Mattress Revolution! 😉
I wish you well in your mattress hunting. Try to learn from our mistakes!
i am so happy that my re-entry into blog reading has started with this mattress post. i am also happy that you FINALLY have a new mattress. yeesh. sorry you had to go through all the drama, but it has made for HYSTERICAL reading. so, KIND OF sorry. ;o)
Hey! I missed you! Glad you are back to writing your posts!
You know what they say. 47th time is the charm! Hope this one is the keeper.
Princess and the pea….??? Best wishes on mattress bliss!
LOL….. it is eerie how your life has all these mishaps like ours… I thought we were the only ones who had the world cave in after we planned things… We are very glad your Mother-In-Law is doing better. 🙂 Now, the smelly mattress to me would’ve been perfect for the guest bedroom for when the mother-in-law comes over… heheheh (Ginger, quit writing on my comments!!!)
I guess the way to a man’s heart is through his mattress. hehe. 🙂 Glad you got it fixed.
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