A Guide to Being a Goddess While Simultaneously Driving Your Mother Crazy

*Sigh* Mattresses.  Yep.  Again.  In addition to the Boomerang Mattress in our master bedroom, we also bought two new ones for two full-sized, antique beds in the guest bedroom.  Mattresses wholeheartedly approved by my husband, Cap’n Firepants.  ALL of our mattresses this summer have been approved by Cap’n “Goldilocks” Firepants.  I am hereby BANNING Cap’n Firepants from any more mattress approving.

Last night, Dimples (9) had a friend over.  They slept in the guest bedroom so they could each have a bed.  I think you know where this is going…

11 PM:

Dimples:  Mom, can we do what we used to do in the old days (one month ago) when I have friends over?  You know, sleep in my room, and pull out the twin-sized mattress under my bed?

Me:  What’s wrong with the brand new mattresses we just had delivered? With the bedding that I just washed and put on?  And the beds that are side by side so you can talk to each other and not worry about stepping on someone’s face in the middle of the night?

Dimples:  Those mattresses are not comfortable.  They are way too hard.

Would you forgive me, Loyal Readers, if I launched into a tirade about these mattresses that her father chose (and she also, at one point approved), about 9-year-olds and 40-year-olds being too darn picky, and about my plans to go live with Grandma at the Independent/Assisted Living home where I could have my own twin bed and mattress, 3 meals a day that I don’t have to prepare, and I won’t have to face the same 2 mattress delivery men when they are called to our house for the 5th time this summer?!!!!!


Dimples and her friend. Laying on the floor. With towels over their eyes. They are trying to “make their eyes brighter” according to instructions in The Girls’ Book of Glamour, A Guide to Being a Goddess.


Posted on August 3, 2012, in Cap'n Firepants, Dimples, Family, Humor, Parenting, Relationships and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 39 Comments.

  1. At least things aren’t boring! 🙂 And maybe you would like those pillow-top additions that you can get to add onto a firm mattress- they are thin, go on any mattress, and might fix the too-firm situation. Good luck 🙂

  2. You need a blow up mattress! Those are really comfortable!

  3. That is so funny. I want a timeshare at a mental institution for moments like these (and PMS). You are cordially invited to drink lukewarm tea out of a straw with me, if the assisted living gets boring.

  4. Oh this is too too too funny! I knew it – I just knew there would be another mattress story. Are you going to exchange them? Bright eyes might insist!

  5. Does the goddess guide have anything in it about making your eyes see Cap’ns as brighter than they are? I could use some of that myself.

  6. thanks to these mattress posts i cannot pass a billy bob’s beds and not think of you guys…..which is pretty sick on many different levels. so………..wait………..did i say, “thanks.” because that is not what i meant to say. ;o)

  7. I LOVE me a hard mattress. I would prefer to sleep on the floor if Piper wouldn’t sleep on my head. We had to get a memory foam mattress topper because I picked too hard of a mattress. I slept great on it for 5 or 6 months … until that memory foam. Now I haven’t slept well in 4 years.

  8. The Mattress Chronicles…you need to change the name of the blog!

  9. oh My! how much longer can this go on.I think it is fair to say that you have been well and truly tried and tested with your mattresses this year…..you are now well qualified to get a position as a mattress tester for any big quality store and at top rates of pay for experience on the job!

  10. and as for Dimples..she is beautiful enough without covering her eyes..but hey all teenagers seem to do these weird things

  11. Ginger says let Wonderbutt have a half hour with the mattres it will be softer then.. hehehe

  12. I too have contemplated assisted living as a viable option when arguing with loved ones!

  13. He-he! It’s true – husbands are NOT capable of selecting good mattresses. I think it’s because they don’t actually lay on them in the store long enough – too embarrassed about looking non-macho…
    I’ve gotta get a copy of that book for my granddaughter and I to read. It’s sounds hysterical 😀

  14. You know you’re at the end of your rope when that assisted living strategy starts to sound attractive. The mere smell of mass-produced food makes my stomach churn.

  15. Just get air mattresses. They sound like fun for a while, but after 6 months you can’t stand them. Then they’ll want the other mattresses back! I slept on an air mattress for over 6 months after selling my childhood bed and taking forever to find a new one my mom approved of. By the time I got a mattress I didn’t care if it was hard or soft or whatever. I just wanted to stop sleeping with my space heater on and blowing up the mattress twice every night.

  16. This is an epic saga…I can’t wait for the next chapter!

  17. The only thing you can do is sleepwalk to appease the Mattress Gods.

  18. I have a question. Will you be posting about the efficacy of “making ones eyes brighter” according to instructions in The Girls’ Book of Glamour, A Guide to Being a Goddess? I’d like to know if I should give it a crack…

  19. Oh my gosh, sincerest condolences. The mattress gremlins strike again!!

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