Someone Please Get this Kelly Clarkson Song Out of My Head
You may know me as Mrs. Cap’n Firepants, mother of Wonderbutt, Mrs. P.I.B., and Dimples, but my psychiatrist knows me as the woman he treats for clinical depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. (Believe it or not, our bulldog, Wonderbutt, and his house demolition attempts were not the cause of either of these mental illnesses.)
I wasn’t planning for these two women to collide with each other on my blog, but a few recent blog posts from other authors have brought them together.
So, today, I invite you to the somewhat disturbing dialogue between Mrs. Cap’n Firepants and Mrs. Eeyorewearsnopants (referred to in the rest of this post as Mrs. F. and Mrs. E.)
Mrs. F: One of your favorite bloggers, Aja, gave you an award at Writing and Recovering.
Mrs. E: I know. And you totally don’t deserve it.
Mrs. F: Oh geez. Are you in one of those moods again?
Mrs. E: Again? How about “still”?
Mrs. F: How about snap out of it?!!!!
Mrs. E: Yeah. That always works. I’m going back to bed.
Mrs. F: Fine. Then I will accept the award.
Mrs. E: You can’t.
Mrs. F: Why?
Mrs. E: Because you have to tell what your diagnoses are, and no one has diagnosed you with anything but a bad case of Wonderbutt.
Mrs. F: It seems like “Wonderbutt” should be a good thing, doesn’t it?
Mrs. E: There you go, roaming off the subject again. That’s why you’re never depressed. Because you can’t keep your mind still enough to obsess about how hopeless your life is.
Mrs. F: Yes, that’s definitely a weakness on my part – the inability to get pre-occupied with my meaningless existence. I’ll try to work on that.
Mrs. E: I don’t care what you do. I’m going back to bed.
Mrs. F: Wait, I thought of another diagnoses. What about my eating disorder?
Mrs. E: You mean my eating disorder?
Mrs. F: Oh, you get to have that, too?
Mrs. E: Yes, I get the great gift of three mental illnesses. Lucky me.
Mrs. F: What do I get, then?
Mrs. E: An Awards Shelf.
Mrs. F: Well, that doesn’t seem quite fair.
Mrs. E: To me, or to you?
Mrs. F: Umm. Both? I’m not sure at this point. Have you noticed Wonderbutt is really quiet right now? That usually means he’s in the middle of consuming a shoe,or a table, or something…
Mrs. E: Changing the subject again? I think someone has a bit of an attention problem – and I’m not talking about Wonderbutt.
Mrs. F: Well, stop whining about all of your problems and finish up accepting our award.
Mrs. E: I’m going to pretend you didn’t say “our”. Not that I care. But I noticed. Anyway, to accept the Strong Person Award you have to list
your my diagnoses and –
Mrs. F: Check
Mrs. E: And, post a picture of yourself, or something representing you.
Mrs. F: Crap.
Mrs. E: What’s wrong?
Mrs. F: I can’t post a picture of myself.
Mrs. E: Why?
Mrs. F: Because I made myself up.
Mrs. E: Hmm. That does pose a problem. And we both know we can’t post a picture of me.
Mrs. F: Why?
Mrs. E: Because I hate myself. Are you not paying attention? AGAIN?!!!!
Mrs F: I’m trying, but you aren’t doing a very good job of keeping my attention. Just find a darn picture, and post it.
Mrs. E: Fine. Here.
Mrs. F: Hey, that’s pretty good. We do both do that. Hide from the world, I mean. We don’t literally stick our heads under the bed. At least, I don’t.
Mrs. E: O.K. So, let’s pass this sucker on. All of these responsibilities are making me tired.
Mrs. F: Well, this part is easy. We are passing the Stronger Person Award to Miranda Gargasz, a very talented writer.
Mrs. E: You’re just giving her that because she gave you a Reader’s Appreciation Award, and she got you Freshly Pressed.
Mrs. F: No, if those were the reasons, then I would hyperlink those two items to which you just referred, but I’m not going to do that. I’m giving it to her because she has overcome a lot of obstacles in her life, and she is a very talented writer.
Mrs. E: Brown-noser.
Mrs. F: Also, since
you we suffer from depression, and she just wrote a very heartbreaking piece that touched on this very subject, I thought it would be fitting.
Mrs. E: That was sad.
Mrs. F: Yes, it was. But it’s a very real problem, and depression has been in the headlines a lot lately. Here’s another article that people should read – even though it’s not by the super-talented Miranda.
Mrs. E: Have you noticed people keep searching the web for our “John Denver and Depression” post?
Mrs. F: Now, who’s getting off the subject? I think I better go check on Wonderbutt.
Mrs. E: Fine. I think I’m going to go take my medication.
Mrs. F: We’re all grateful for that…