Disease of the Day

I’m pretty sure I have shingles.  My father-in-law had shingles.  Then he died.  Not necessarily a cause and effect situation.  Especially since it was 3 years later.  But still.

You seem skeptical.  I understand.  I mean, we all know I have a history of hypochondriacal tendencies that are often exacerbated by Google and television commercials.  Like the time I became convinced that I had mesothelioma merely because I dreamed that I had it, and logically deduced that I could never dream a disease that I hadn’t even heard of.  So, in my estimation, I was a psychic with lung disease, probably contracted from working in the coal mines.  Wondering why my psychic powers waited until after I was dying to kick in.  And then I realized that a mesothelioma commercial plays on Robin & Friends on HLN every morning while I’m getting dressed.  So, I wasn’t psychic and, oh yeah, I never worked in a coal mine.  So, it was quite possible that I had not contracted mesothelioma and I could stop cuing my hacking cough every time my husband walked into the room so he would feel sorry for me.  Or walk out of the room in disgust.  (He being the disgusted one – not I.)

This time, I am well aware that shingles have been highly commercialized.  They are scaring the you-know-what out of me.  And when you have an inefficient colon, that’s a pretty big deal.

What makes me mad is that I thought I was safe.

You know, when you’re in your twenties, you hear about all of these adults who get chicken pox who never had it when they were kids, and it’s so much worse when you’re an adult?

And I thought, “Whew.  Dodged that bullet.  Missed a whole week of school and got to stay up late to watch The Wizard of Oz when my mom found a pock behind my ear. And she had totally forbidden me to stay up to watch it because I had school the next day.  And that was WAY before DVR’s.  No adult chicken pox for me, nosirree. I am immune.”  Never mind that I was scarred for life by the Wicked Witch of the West and her untimely death by water, quite possibly the reason I refused to enter the lake for an entire season of swimming lessons the following summer.

But now, the Shingles Soothsayers are telling me, “Haha!  You stupid fool!  You had chicken pox when you were a kid.  So now this deadly virus is just hiding out in your body waiting until your First Very Important Interview with Jon Stewart on the Daily Show.  And then Herpes Zoster, AKA Shingles, will swoop in and give you ‘small sores that begin to dry and form crusts’.  But, don’t worry, the crusts ‘fall off in 2 to 3 weeks.’ And, ‘Scarring is rare.’

And it’s only possible, but not certain, that it will cause genital warts.”

And I just want to know how successfully triumphing over chicken pox when I am 8 throws me down the rocky path to contracting a venereal disease when I’m 60.

This is what I get for wishing a pox on myself just so I could watch two witches get exterminated by a girl with a dog in a basket.

Wish I could throw away my shingles. Also wouldn’t mind having this man working on my roof…
photo credit: beckstei via photo pin cc



Posted on September 20, 2012, in Depression, Disease of the Day, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 34 Comments.

  1. That guy looks nothing like my roofers.

    Hope you’re feeling better soon.

  2. So weird you wrote about this b/c those commercials on TV are freaking me out, too. I actually mute the TV when they come on. And I’ve never had chicken pox! But still…it’s in me, lurking, just waiting to attack. I KNOW this. I sincerely hope you don’t have shingles. xo

  3. “My name is Doug and I have mesothelioma.”

    That’s what I always hear in Chicagoland. Do you get “Doug” or did they put a more “regionally-specific” sounding person in your area. You know, like Austin, Gunner or Tex?

    Maybe you can get in one of those commercials and help ensure Dimples and Wonderbutt have a wonderful life. Wait, you don’t die from shingles, right? You just wish you were dead.

    Regardless, you should try to make some money off of it. That Doug seems to be doing pretty well… well, except for the mesothelioma part and all. 😉

    • No, we don’t have a Doug, or even a Tex on ours. Just, “Do you suffer from mesothelioma? Blah, blah, blah… Call this number so our law office can make millions of dollars, and you can die knowing that you bought our partners mansions on the beach.” Or something like that.

  4. I never had chicken pox and every time someone came near me with them as a kid, my mother freaked out and whisked me away. My husband never had them either. I had to get the vaccine, just like my kids, and hope it worked on all of us.

    I hope you don’t have shingles. If you don’t, Walgreens has vaccine for it. Just in case you’re worried.

  5. My FIL had shingles once too. Not fun. Please don’t have shingles……….Also, as a fellow disease imaginer myself, I sincerely hope your psychic abilities fail you. I’m hoping mine are failing me right now.

  6. I freaked out about that too! I’m like great, my mom forced me to get the chicken pocks as a kid so I wouldn’t have to deal with the vaccine or whatever later on. Didn’t know that this would happen. Fellow hypochondriacs unite!

    As if i didn’t have enough to worry about already.

  7. 😦 Oh no! I hope you aren’t in too much pain. Jason had shingles when he was studying for finals towards the end of college. They told him he got them because of stress. I had only heard of old people getting them. Then, I got them! Lainey was a newborn and I guess lack of sleep, stress of having a baby and a toddler was stressing me out, too… Mine didn’t stick around as long as Jason’s but they were painful. I didn’t know about all the hype about it though. I HAVE seen all the hype about whooping cough and am convinced people just looking at Cal while at Target could give it to him. It’s always something to stress about!!

  8. Well, if you’re going to get VD age 60 ain’t a bad time for it.

  9. Hey, if shingles are that tough, maybe you can use them to Wonderbutt-proof stuff when they fall off.

    Never mind, forget I said that. 😉

  10. *claps hands over ears* La, la, la, la… I can’t hear you… I’m not thinking about it…

    The only shingles I ever want to have are the kind go on my roof. Particularly if they’re accompanied by a hot roofer.

  11. Sucky! 😦 Hope you feel better soon. And now you’ve got me scared of getting shingles too!

    My little brother was always scared of the Wicked Witch of the West too. What scared me was the screeching, flying monkeys…

  12. I’ve been convinced I have throat cancer and that my son has Leukemia all within the last few weeks. It’s been a rough September for all of us.

  13. I had shingles and the specimen pictured most certainly did not tend to mine (insert sad face)!

    Just thought I’d drop by to let you know how fabulous I think your blog is, and let you know I’ve mentioned it in my list of Addictive Blogs. There’s an award that goes with the mention – feel free to just know that it’s there or pass it on. Thanks for sharing your stories with us; I look forward to them arriving in my inbox! x http://wp.me/p1m5Gv-Mw

  14. Sorry…that pic totally distracted me. You were saying?

  15. um….. er….. let me see.. pox leads to vd when one is 60? Well heck time for a lifestyle change if we are all gonna get it anyways!!! LOL…. hahahahah

  16. Not too many folks out there who can make Shingles funny on paper (or screen). Congratulations on being one of them. I shouldn’t be surprised since you are able to make a giant dog text. Sorry to hear of your plight, however, as Shingles are anything but funny except on paper but certainly not on the body. Get well soon.

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