Missed Opportunity

When I’m President, I promise to make college more affordable for your sons. They, too, will be offered scholarships for synchronized swimming.

Given my recent struggles with depression, an inefficient colon, and a bulldog who hates Halloween, I decided to drop out of the United States presidential election for this year. So, don’t write me in or anything. I don’t think you really want someone who mentally decapitates the person who spelled her name wrong on an offer for a free oil change for the car she sold 6 years ago to lead your country. Or, maybe you do.

If I was still running for president, you can bet that I would add some more pertinent issues to the national debate. Most of the topics being hurled back and forth seem to deal more with domestic problems, and I tend to have a more global view.

For example, one of the top priorities of my campaign would be to lean on the International Olympic Committee to eliminate their archaic sexist policies. They seem to think they are free and clear now that woman can box, but I refuse to turn a blind eye to the two last exclusionary sports – rhythmic gymnastics and synchronized swimming. It’s completely unfair that men cannot compete in these sports. They have just as much right to cake on the makeup and paint their hair with Knox gelatin as the rest of the population.

And, come on, a few more handsome men in speedos or leotards certainly couldn’t be detrimental to the numbers of viewers tuning in.

More and more men have been participating in synchronized swimming, in particular, and I think it’s an international tragedy that their talents cannot be showcased on the world stage.  If Martha Raddatz does not grill Obama and Romney in the October 11th debate about their intentions for rectifying this situation, I will lose all faith in Martha and her journalistic ability to cut to the chase.

Of course, when I run in the next presidential election, I will make this a priority in my platform, as the next Summer Olympics will be right around the corner.  But I will expect the men to refine their performance a little bit more by then…

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Posted on October 4, 2012, in Humor, Politics, Synchronized Swimming and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 32 Comments.

  1. That right there is some quality sportsmanship-ish-ness. I would have shipped my son off to China at the age of 4 to start training if that was available as an Olympic sport at the time. Now he’s way too old to start training if ever wanted to be as good as those guys in the video.

  2. I care more about the lack of males in synchronized swimming than I do about anything else that ‘s being debated. At least you’re looking through fresh eyes.

  3. I’m voting for you

  4. You have my vote, but do they really have to wear Speedos?

  5. i would vote for you..you can’t be any worse than the others ..and WB can be vice-pres….

  6. I like that they celebrated after every move successful or not!!

  7. How about WB in a Speedo? The question is, can he do synchronized swimming? Surely better than these guys.

    • I’m sure he would just need the proper motivation. Although, his breathing problems might be an obstacle. And his gas problems might make it difficult to keep the team together.

  8. Not running? I was looking forward to seeing Wonderbutt in the White House… sigh…

  9. Well crap, now I have to vote for…who’s running again? You’d think the media would be covering the candidates.

  10. Knox gelatin?? Really?! Yikes.

  11. More power to you, I say. I’m embarrassed to admit that I’ve never really noticed or thought about this issue before, but you are so right – this needs to be higher on the global agenda. Swimming and Gymming Equality – wish you’d reconsider and go for it! 🙂

  12. Love this! I just posted yesterday that I think they need a presidential debate dance-off. We could combine and add a synchronized swimming portion! 🙂

  13. can we run on a joint platform? (literally. a joint platform. just kidding. i never inhaled.) your post and video are hysterical. i will vote for you and i could also vett you for my running mate or vice versa if you are interested in my politics (basically beer, chocolate, and no domestic chores).

  14. ha! crack me up! i see what you did there. ;o)

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