My Thriller of a Sunday

“Are you channeling Michael Jackson?” Cap’n Firepants asked me this morning.

Those of you who know me well would agree on the hilarity of that suggestion – since I am, first of all, a 44-year-old chubby white girl and, more importantly, have about as much rhythm as a washing machine on the spin cycle.  The Cap’n was not hallucinating, however.

“Oh, you mean this black glove on my hand?”

“Yes, that is what I mean.”

“That is my special heat-resistant glove, designed to protect me from burning my sensitive skin while I create a masterpiece of a hairdo with my new, super-duper curling wand.”

“O.K.”  He bent his head to study the remote control in his hand – or to hide his smirk of doubt.

I waved my special heat-resistant hand at him in what I assumed to be a gesture akin to telling him to “Beat It”, and prepared to give myself lovely spiral curls that would be the envy of anyone addicted to the Home Shopping Network Hair Care website.

You actually don’t have to know me well to be aware of the fact that I am hopeless at doing hair – mine or anyone else’s.  This is probably why I am obsessed with Donald Trump; I secretly identify with him.  I have had one successful hair triumph in the last year, and that resulted in a different kind of disaster, so I haven’t even attempted to repeat that event.

But I stupidly walked into Ulta yesterday to get some lipstick and ended up walking out with a large stick for curling my hair.  Since today was Sunday, and my presence in public was not required, I decided it was the perfect day to experiment.

I would like to give you a few words of advice if you attempt to curl your own hair using a special heat-resistant glove.  Firstly, it helps if you put the glove on the hand that is actually going to be making contact with the hot end of the curling wand – instead of the hand that is clutching the barrel, safely out of harm’s way.

I learned that when I did my first curl.

Hint Numero Deux:  “heat-resistant” does not mean “heat-proof“.  If it takes you ten minutes to wrap a tendril of hair around the wand, then you will probably start feeling the heat through the glove.  And you might then drop the wand on your foot, which does not happen to be wearing a heat-resistant glove, and then you might say some words that will amuse your husband, who is surreptitiously spying on you from the bedroom as he pretends to be watching football.

And the third hint:  just because it is called a curling “wand” does not mean you are suddenly a wizard at Hogwarts.  Unless you are Ron Weasley trying to to wield his useless, broken wand. So, don’t point it at yourself unless you want to start vomiting slugs.

Surprisingly, I made it around my head with relatively few third-degree burns and no slug-inducing mis-spells.  I examined “The Woman in the Mirror”, and I limped out into the bedroom to model for Cap’n Firepants.

“I like it,” he said.

I narrowed my eyes suspiciously, and almost asked, “Do You Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’?”  But Cap’n Firepants does not tell me he likes something unless he means it.  It can be devastating when we are about to go somewhere, and he says that my hair style is “not my favorite”, but at least I know his rare compliments are heartfelt.

So, now that the Cap’n thinks that I look like a “Pretty Young Thing”, I have given the heat-resistant glove and its Miraculous Wand a place of honor on our bathroom counter.

This may be the start of something “Dangerous”.

Yeah. Not me. If you want to see what I look like, you can go here.
photo credit: …love Maegan via photopin cc

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Posted on November 4, 2012, in Cap'n Firepants, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 39 Comments.

  1. 1. I am a 43-year-old chubby white girl (you are therefore older, so I have the advantage in the age stakes)
    2. I have LOTS of hair. I always wanted curly hair. I have two curling appliances. No matter how I try (not very, in reality), I cannot achieve the curls I seek.
    3. I have become a master with a straightening iron.
    4. I would sincerely like to see an image of you channeling Michael Jackson.

  2. Yup. I got suckered into clicking to see the real you. Um…. You’re …. Um. Pretty. *gulp*

  3. Ha! Great link. I can’t quite make out the curls though. 8)
    My hair and I have an understanding: I don’t mess with it, it won’t mess with me.

  4. I love my curling wand… But I gave up on my 2 fingered glove the very first time I used it. Lol

    • Ha! I almost got fooled into buying the wand with the 2-fingered glove. But then I found one for $20 more with an entire 5-fingered glove! For someone as accident-prone as me, it was a small price to pay.

  5. I’m terrified of curling wants. I use foam rollers instead and sleep with them in. It’s less dangerous. Just a little.

    • I used to use the foam rollers all of the time. And then I got old person hair. Which apparently reacts negatively to foam. Hopefully your hair will stay young much longer than mine did.

  6. You tricked me with that link. Have you ever posted a pic of yourself?

  7. yea I went there too exoecting to see you all curly!

    That was a great funny amusing post and I throughly enjoyed the giggle at your misfortune( not nice of me really) but practice makes perfect

  8. The heat thing with hair. I see the MJ connection!

  9. I used to make my mother curl my hair every day before school until the 5th grade when she finally gave me a perm. The burns did not diminish my enthusiasm for curly hair in the slightest 🙂

    • LOL. I used to think a “perm” was when they sprayed a special hairspray on whatever your favorite hairstyle was, thus rendering it permanent. I was sorely disappointed when I got my first one and ended up looking like a poodle.

  10. I love my big fat curling iron, which gives me body but not curl. I absolutely love it. Sometimes I burn my temples (or my neck, forehead, fingers), but regardless…I love it. My mother used to say “You have to suffer to be beautiful.”

  11. 😀 Well, as you are going to be using that a lot, I hope you learnt your lessons well 🙂 . Hope the foot and hand heal quickly.

  12. I bet the curling wand was murder on those balloon ears of yours. Yeah, I clicked the link.

  13. I am a walking hair catastrophe. I usually will buy things to see if I can actually use them, and end up scrapping them soon after. I wish you success with your new wand! I will stay in the Ron Weasley court with my random hair mousse and Goody hair clips. Loved this post, by the way!!!

    • Yes, I too have a cupboard of discarded hair supplies. Stupidly, I take them out every once in awhile, thinking I’ve suddenly discovered the secret to make them work. Alas, that has never happened.

  14. Why is making ourselves beautiful so dangerous? I’ve been burned by hair stuff too. Good luck with yours.

  15. #1 – i am super impressed that you buy your lipstick at ULTA. #2 (i said #2) – i am super impressed that you curl your hair. you are far beyond me in the beauty department.

    • Don’t be that impressed by my purchase of lipstick at Ulta. The only reason for that is because there appears to be only one lipstick that looks decent on my lips, stays on for more than 5 minutes, and does not dry out my lips so much that they look like dehydrated prunes. Of course, it costs twenty-four friggin’ dollars…
      Oh, and I don’t curl my hair often. I am practicing for the big Christmas party. I have to start early.

  16. Obviously, you should have gotten a heat resistant body suit, complete with footsies.

  17. Every curling iron should come with a tube of burn ointment. Someone’s missing a big market here. 🙂

  18. You always make us laugh! Another great post and yes I clicked the link and you aint fooling us none.. the link and the picutres are both you!

  19. I’m glad it’s not only me these things happen to! Fab blog by the way!!

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