I’ll Be Back After I’ve Done a Bit More Research…

So, I’m pretty sure that my bulldog, Wonderbutt, has given me a blood clot.  And I just thought I would mention this to you before I die of a pulmonary embolism.  And before Cap’n Firepants takes my internet away because he is convinced that it contributes to my hypochondria.

My leg has been achy for a couple of days, the kind of achy that you get when you’ve run a marathon.  But. I. Have. Not. Run. A Marathon.  A Mile. Around the Room.

So, in the interest of saving myself a trip to the doctor, I Googled my symptoms, and I have come to the conclusion that I have a blood clot.

It is possible that sitting on my butt in front of the computer could be the cause of this medical problem, but I choose to blame another butt – Wonderbutt.  I don’t think it is a coincidence that Fat Boy has been cuddling with me on the armchair every night, cutting off my blood circulation while he gets good and comfortable.  I thought it was kind of sweet the way he insisted that I contort myself into the exact right position every night before he would leap on the chair and fall in a heap on my legs, sigh deeply, and commence snoring.  But now I know that he is just trying to kill me.  It’s one of those little-used murder methods known only to true homicide connoisseurs like Agatha Christie – murder by a blood clotting bulldog.

And no, this paranoia is not the result of three nights of Very Little Sleep or my admiration of Rapper Heavy D, who, sadly, did die from this exact problem.  And, yes, I did discover that fact on the internet.

The good news is, as long as my leg feels funny, the clot has not traveled to my lungs, (at least, that’s my expert opinion), so I still have time to type out a couple more blog posts before my demise.

Oh wait, according to outtobrunch on geteverystupidquestionansweredhere.com, it could just be a pinched nerve.  Or I’ve been sitting with my wallet in my pocket too long.  The latter is unlikely, I think, since I don’t own a wallet.

O.K.  Just talk amongst yourselves while I get this figured out.

This is kind of the way I have to twist my body to let Wonderbutt sit in the chair with me. Do you think this lady gets blood clots? By the way, note to self and anyone else who is interested, do not search for Google images on “blood clots” unless you want to be scarred for life.  And “contortion” can be a little scary, too.  Consider yourself warned.
photo credit: United Nations Photo via photopin cc

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Posted on November 13, 2012, in Depression, Disease of the Day, Humor, Wonderbutt and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 44 Comments.

  1. It can also come from wearing the wrong shoes. Hope it’s not a blood clot or anything exciting.

  2. OMG! – if you can contort yourself into THAT position, you are wasted as a science teacher…

  3. WB strikes me as entirely too smart to kill the hand that feeds him.
    If the Cap’n starts taking a shine to him, then I’d be worried…

  4. Sciatica is one of the conditions people get from having a wallet in their back pocket. If that’s the issue (and it doesn’t have to be from a wallet, it can happen from anything- driving long distances, walking, wearing heels, anything) , then seeing a massage therpist and telling them about it could help potentially- they will work on your Piriformis muscle, which could be pinching the nerve with Gemellus Superior, they clench around it and cause pain to go down the leg or the leg to be numb.
    If that is randomly the case, then the sooner the better for treatment, but if you can see a massage therapist (if there is a school near you, they usually have clinics for around 20$/hr, leaving a $5 tip is nice), then you might feel amazingly better soon if it’s a nerve thing! 🙂 good luck, hope you feel good soon!

  5. What a way to go. Wonderbutt Blood Clot. Oh, the humanity!!

  6. I can’t stop laughing but at the same time am worried about your leg!

  7. Maybe health care should be socialized just for the sake of us hypochondriacs.

  8. first – don’t die. i really like your blog. second – contortion i would have guessed (and i am dutifully HORRIFIED by the photo of that gal), but blood clots? don’t google that either??? i really need more filters on my internetz. yeesh. is nothing safe?

  9. First this is too funny because as a child I had several bulldogs who I am totally convinced are Wonderbutt’s ancestors there a distinct family resemblance in both looks and behavior. I am trying to convince my husband we need a bulldog but every time I think am making progress Wonderbutt eats something like a sofa and my husband gives me “that” look and walks off.

    Second if you really truly think there is even the slightest possibility you actually do have a blood clot GET THYSELF TO THE E.R. STAT! I have known 2 people in the past 5 years that died from a blood clot in the leg after a transatlantic flight. Your post is hilarious, blood clots not so much.

  10. Now you’re making some of your readers into hypochondriacs as well! I’ve been waking up with an aching shoulder, and I’m pretty sure it has something to do with my cat sleeping with me. What we won’t do for our animals! Hope your leg feels better soon.

  11. Definitely not your butts fault – always blame the dog Butt. For someone who is about to die, you are certainly hilarious.

  12. Blood clots are scary. Pets can do a lot of damage to people. I have been looking into parasite stuff on the internet (don’t google that, there is a lot of gross stuff). A lot of those come from pets.

    Does Wonderbutt ever look at you like he wishes you were dead? I had a cat that used to do that…it was freaky. Pets may be trying to take over the world. Sleep deprivation, access to WebMD and the ability to Google “symptoms” has nothing to do with it.

  13. You know…the Mayan calendar ends in 2012. I bet if we do a search for “2012 pet takeover” we can get to the truth of what is going on…

  14. Oh my goodness…..what a state of affairs…..

  15. Just in case I’ll start working on your tombstone quotation.

  16. At first I couldn’t figure that picture out – I thought she was looking through something…like some tubes…NOT HER LEGS! Oy, vey. Makes me ache just looking at it.

  17. Yabber yabber yabber.

    Gobblegook yabber blehbleh.

    Yabbertastic.

    Okay, talking amongst ourselves isn’t that much fun.

  18. I think you should take two days off work and have Thanksgiving catered. 😉

  1. Pingback: I’m Not Dead Yet « whatimeant2say

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