You’ll Never Find the Skeleton in my Closet Because It’s Buried Under All of the Other Junk

When do real people clean out their closets? Seriously. I ask this because I have been polling my fellow teachers about what they will be doing when we get the whole week off for Thanksgiving next week, and nearly all of them said that they will be cleaning out closets. This is the same response I get when I ask what they are doing for Spring Break or the rare three-day weekend. And summers.

I, too, plan to exorcise the demons lurking in my closets during the break next week.

Which leads me, again, to the question, “When do real people clean out their closets?” ”

“Real people”, meaning “not teachers.”  Also not multimillionaires like The Man Who Must Not Be Named Because I Don’t Want You to Think I am Obsessed With Him, who probably has people to do that for him. Real people.

I mean, do you just not clean your closets out? Ever? Is it because you are so obsessively compulsively neat? Or, is it because you never buy awful-looking purple polka dot shirts that seem quite fashionable at the time, but never seem like the quite right thing to wear whenever you are getting dressed in the morning and so you have to buy more things so you don’t leave the house naked and then they don’t fit anymore and you suddenly have this traffic jam of clothing on rods in your closet which makes it easier to just throw things (clean or dirty) on the floor so you don’t get attacked by a hanger that suddenly cuts loose from the two different shirts that were entwined around it, nearly blinding you in the right eye and forcing you to question the need to actually wear anything other than yoga pants and a t-shirt for the rest of your life? Are you saying this does not happen to you?

That’s just not normal.

I know. You’re like Monica on “Friends”. You have that one locked closet where you stash everything so the rest of your place looks neat.  She wasn’t a teacher, either.

Posted on November 15, 2012, in Annoyances, Humor, Interior Decorating and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 23 Comments.

  1. Sporadically.

    I tried to implement an ‘old item out for every new item in’ policy but I just ended up cheating myself. Never a good look.

  2. hahaha I alllllways use Friends references for my life.

  3. I say get rid of closets!

  4. I am Monica minus the closet, so I never have to clean my closet. Plus I don’t have a closet right now. It’s a wardrobe and not it does not take me to Narnia. That would be freaking awesome.

  5. I cleaned my closets earlier this year, all clothes not worn over past two years …out
    then the goods which are usually put in the basement just in case…but never used…all out ready for charity…

    Trouble is that once something has been removed and gone.. you can always find a good use for it..too late

    so don’t bother;;just shut it all away

  6. As a former teacher, I am familiar with the closet cleaning vacation plan. Now that I am retired, I clean my closet whenever I feel like it. Any morning of the year, if I open it up and see something stupid in there, out it goes. Ditto shopping for new stuff to replace the stuff that’s tossed. I am an obsessive throw-er-out-er and an obsessive shopper. The perfect combination to keep the closet contents fluid and flexible.

  7. Closets get no respect. They hold stuff, save stuff, lose stuff. And you can use them to hide in when you don’t want to be found.

  8. Now that I seldom have to dress up for business anymore, my closet is like a support group for perennial wallflowers. I don’t buy more clothes, and I don’t use the ones that are in there. Every now and then, I brush the dust off. Every few years, I pull stuff out, realize it’s ridiculously out of style, get rid of it, and buy new stuff. Which then takes over the dust-collecting role of the previous batch. The clothes I actually wear fit nicely in a couple of dresser drawers.

    As long as you’re still managing to get dressed in the morning, you’re doing fine… but watch out for those carnivorous hangers. 🙂

  9. So true!! My mother is always saying with just days to go back at the end of summer vacation, “I didn’t even get to my closets!”, and I remember the nagging feeling of needing to get stuff organized and cleaned during time off.

  10. Oooo, I think I’m real, but I have been known to not only organise my closet, but my husband’s! Of course, I was unemployed for almost two years. And he didn’t keep it neat. While I still FOLD his clothes, I dump them in a pile for him to sort out.

    Which never happens.

    Notice I said ‘organise’ rather than ‘clean out’ because I never throw anything away. Sigh.

    • That’s funny! I do the opposite! I sort Cap’n Firepants’ clothes, and leave them on his side of the bed to fold. It’s a pretty good system, pretty much the only working system at our house.

  11. Hilarious! I’m the person with a clothing addiction so I’ve given myself a set number of hangers lately and have been trying to have a “one out-one in” policy.
    Full Disclosure: It probably helps that I’ve moved 3 times in the last 8 months which has forced me to go through my closet each time and remove at least 5 garbage bags FULL of clothes, shoes, and accessories. Can you say clothes horse?

  12. ah yes, closets and garages……. I cleaned up the garage for the tractors and my closet doors wont shut…. ahem….

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