You Will Avoid Huge Ships if You Sit on a Wood Toilet Seat in China Listening to Your David Hufflepuff C.D.

I want to thank all of the people who keep me from doing stupid things.  At least, they keep me from doing more stupid things than I might do if it weren’t for their input.  These people, namely the people who review products on the internet, are my heroes.

As we catapult into the holiday season, and I start doing my on-line shopping, I find myself eternally grateful for the invisible cyber shoppers everywhere who add their two cents to virtually every product available.  For example, I would have bought the new Harry Potter Kinect game for Dimples if it weren’t for Nathaniel, who left this grammatically incorrect, but insightful comment on Amazon, “me and my wife had really high hopes for this game after seeing the trailer and couldnt wait to get it. this game was a tragic fail.”  Even though Krazzy4Harry seemed to have mostly good things to say, it appeared that he was one of the very few who felt that his wizarding experience was satisfactory.  Cross that one off the list.

Speaking of Harry Potter, I found a wonderful bit of praise from bookwormgeekgirl for a David Hasselhoff c.d. that makes me wonder if I should get that for a stocking stuffer for Dimples instead:  ” I can see now why J.K. Rowling named one of her houses “Hufflepuff” — David Hufflepuff is clearly a master artist of our time.”

I was about to stick that gem of a gift in my shopping cart until I read this alternative point of view from hotshot, “I now own three CD’s “looking for – Best of David Hasselhof (which is an import – i.e. I imported it from elsewhere) David Hasselhof – The very best” and “The best of David Hasselhof” I also own a table, a chair, a tea set left to me by my gran, a curtain, three pair of underpants, a small fridge that doen not work, a black and white television, a bicycle pump, a shirt, two pairs of grey trousers, a tin of sweetcorn and a hedgehog shaped shoe scraper. I own a knife a fork and a coffee cup, a tie (black) a pair of odd socks and a pair of matched socks, one cassette of calming sounds designed to help me stop smoking (I have never smoked) a newspaper from june 1987, a carrier bag from the co-op, a plastic wallet in which I keep my bus pass and any money I ever obtain through whatever means (usually favours to desperate men), a towel, a bar of imperial leather dating from 1996 and a pair of brown shoes.  I think when I get a cd player I will like this album most out of all of my posessions because the reviews of it are so good.  If I ever have any more possessions I will try to let you know.”

I like the detail that hotshot included in his review, so I’m going to wait until he gets a cd player before I jump to any conclusions about this c.d.  Maybe I’ll put it on the list for next year.

Unfortunately, I do not have enough in my holiday budget to purchase the highly rated book, How to Avoid Huge Ships. $339.56  seems a bit steep for a book, even though it is new.  After reading the reviews, I am convinced that my sister, Crash, would greatly benefit from this book.  One avid reader wrote, “I bought How to Avoid Huge Ships as a companion to Captain Trimmer’s other excellent titles: How to Avoid a Train, and How to Avoid the Empire State Building. These books are fast paced, well written and the hard won knowledge found in them is as inspirational as it is informational. After reading them I haven’t been hit by anything bigger than a diesel bus. Thanks captain!”  It’s too bad that Crash and I promised not to get each other gifts this year.  If she gets hit by a huge ship in 2013, I’m going to feel very guilty.

I would like to point out that the above book is not nearly as pricey as the coveted The 2009-2014 Outlook for Wood Toilet Seats in Greater Chinawhich currently retails (in paperback) for $495, and is eligible for Free Shipping.  According to Sybilla Goodall, this book is “Even Better Than 50 Shades of Grey”, which says it all right there.  Coincidentally, since 2008, I have been extremely worried about the prospect for Wood Toilet Seats in Greater China, and if there is anyone out there who cares an iota for my well-being, you would do well to stick this under the tree with my name on it.  Then, maybe, I’d finally be able to stop taking my anti-anxiety medication once and for all.

Uranium Ore would make a great stocking stuffer for Dimples. She can finally develop the super powers she has always wanted.  For more holiday gift ideas, you may want to check out this fabulous list curated by Shannon at Amazon 😉
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Posted on November 25, 2012, in Depression, Dimples, Family, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 11 Comments.

  1. You know what? I’m not sure if you made ANY of this up. And I’m not clicking links to find out. I am choosing to embrace my sense of wonder at this magical commercial time of year.

  2. I could sit for HOURS reading Amazon comments. They have helped steer me away from some products, too.

  3. Does that mean you found the one Hoff-fan that exists outside of Germany? I’m impressed!

  4. omg. hysterical. my niece posted some hilarious ballpoint pen reviews from amazon on facebook recently and i nearly peed my pants. everytime i go on amazon – which isn’t too often i spend more time reading the reviews and wondering about humanity than i do making a purchase. i also love what they recommend to me after making a purchase. who does that??? seriously?

  5. I swear reviewers’ comments are written by 11-year-old boys. It’s the new prank phone call for bored kids.

  6. Oh you are too hilarious – I am hiccuping!

  7. You are my fount of internet entertainment! I’m truly relieved to know that there’s a book about the outlook of wooden toilet seats in China. Now I can die in peace when the world ends in a couple of weeks.

  8. I can read reviews and comments anywhere on the internet for hours. Every one of them are either hilarious or disappointing in the sense that makes me wonder about the future of the human race. I think you found the best ones, though.

  9. Awesome! I’ll be coming to you for stocking stuffer ideas, ok?
    I’m genuinely confused as to if you made all of this up because it COULD be real considering some of the reviews I’ve been seeing on Amazon lately. Ugh…

  10. Our apologies for not visiting lately. Work has been a bear…. You should truly consider becoming a professional writer for you are the best!!!! We laughed till our sides hurt….

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