In Your Face, Facebook!

I love it when scientific studies positively reinforce my choice to neglect something that is supposedly good for me.  No matter that the choice is based on laziness or stubbornness, or both, on my part.  Science. Says.  I’m right.

My sister, Crash, decided that, since I refused to resolve to do anything for the new year, she would decide what I needed to do.  Her goal for me is to join Facebook.  She informed me of this goal a couple of times, and then nagged gently prodded me by sending me an e-mail invitation to view her Facebook pictures.

If you’ve read my highly engaging and slightly entertaining post, “Don’t Hate Me Because I Don’t Like You”, then you are aware of my feelings about Facebook.  If you haven’t read that post, you are probably still aware of my feelings about Facebook, considering that: it is 2013, I am 40-something years old, my sister is trying to browbeat me into using it, and I don’t like anyone.

I was starting to crumble under the pressure.  To be honest, I’m beginning to tire of conversations that go like this :

“Hey, are you going to Selena’s baby shower?”

“What?  I didn’t know she was having a baby!”

“She isn’t.  Her daughter is.”

“Oh my God!  She has a daughter?!!!”

“You really need to check your Facebook.  By the way, are you and your husband having problems?  His latest status is ‘single’.”

Now I know that last one is not true.  Because my husband does not have a Facebook account, either.  I think.

Anyway, the point is that I was starting to feel a bit left out because people keep forgetting to tell me things in person since they figure I already know because it’s posted on their Facebook page.  I was beginning to think I will be the only one sitting in a chair with my bulldog, reading Little Women, while the rest of the nation burrows into bomb shelters – all because the End of the World got announced on Facebook instead of the Emergency Broadcast System.

And then I heard the news report.

“Facebook Makes You Fat!”

I knew it!  I knew there was a reason I shouldn’t do it.

According to the SCIENTIFIC study, Facebook makes you fat because it makes you feel “popular and happy” about your image.  More self-esteem gives you less self-control.

Ah hah!  My evil sister is trying to give me more self-esteem!

I knew she always hated me.

I introduce you to the face of my sister, Crash.  She does not have self-esteem issues.

I introduce you to the face of my sister, Crash. She does not have self-esteem issues.  And she’s not fat.  She defies scientific explanation.

Posted on January 11, 2013, in Blogging, Crash, Family, Humor, Sisters and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 38 Comments.

  1. I’m not on FB, either. I dumped it, and I don’t miss it. Here’s the thing. People post and assume everyone sees it, but not everything shows up in the feed of every friend. Something to do with their algorithms. It’s one reason why I dropped my account. It’s useless to promote a blog over there without paying to do so.

  2. It’s tough to keep up with all the changes in the world. I thought you’d be interested to know some Scot has invented this device he’s calling, get this, a telephone. Like that will ever catch on.

  3. I’m on Facebook, but it gets on my nerves.
    Yesterday a girl wanted to pick up a fight over a comment I made on a friend’s pic. She was not even on the pic. She got frustrated because I was not getting into the fight, and then said something nasty about my pic (a pic of a dog dressed as nun), I just said one little thing back at her, I sad that I’ve never seen a cow riding a horse (her pic was her on a horse). She flipped out, I had fun.
    If you ever succumb and join Facebook you’ll see who is who when elections approach, it turns into Hunger Games.

  4. I never would’ve pegged you a Facebook snob! But I know plenty. Get it together, woman! Toss Little Women, make that handsome bulldog your profile picture and join us fat people in the 21st century!!

  5. You are a wise, wise woman! Maybe NOT getting a Facebook account can be your resolution for 2013?
    I probably wouldn’t have Facebook if I didn’t have so many friends and family outside of Washington.
    J doesn’t have a Facebook either but he enjoys all the pros (funny pics and friend updates) of my FB’ing without the responsibility of upkeeping his own – lucky dog.

  6. If I didn’t check Facebook, how would I know that it is my sister’s birthday?

  7. That’s hilarious. I had to get a facebook because my friends didn’t try to talk to me or anything like that until I got one. It was just more convenient for them than picking up the cell phone in their pocket and texting me I guess.

  8. I always KNEW Facebook promotes obesity! Yet I’m an addict. And the cycle continues.

    • Funnily enough, I found two different studies that say it makes you fat – for completely opposite reasons. One is that it boosts your self-esteem to all of these compliments and feedback from your friends. And the other says that it lowers your self-esteem because you become jealous of everyone else’s awesome lives. Since I’m already depressed, I’m not really sure where that would all level out for me, but I’m pretty sure being fat(ter) would probably not boost my self-esteem.

  9. Who knew? I avoided Facebook for a long time, but I’ve actually grown to like it. I hate talking on the phone, so Facebook snippets are pretty much my only connection to other human beings.

    Soon, like a goldfish, my butt will grow to fill the dimensions of my desk chair…

  10. Hi our friend!!!
    Please accept our apologies for being absent lately.. our blog tomorrow will explain what is up…. oooh… I love to hate FB… I’ve tried to get ppl to switch to anything else…. and unless I truly like someone to heck with them… LOL… we will be catching up this week with your posts! We have missed our daily visits….
    God Bless You!
    The Collies and chuck 🙂

  11. My person says she likes Facebook for keeping up with friends who live far away – but sometimes I have to keep jumping up and down just to get her off the computer.

  12. I think most of the planet has a love/hate relationship with Facebook. Except for those people who feel the need to write every minute. But I have obliterated them. I have a question: Would you be willing to write a post for my Guerrilla Aging blog? You can write to me at –Renee

  13. I can always find my kids through facebook. 7 unanswered calls, ringing around the universe trying to locate them and log in to facebook and there they are!
    I was a “hater” for a long time too, sometimes necessity creates the need, now I can’t keep off the thing!!

  14. FB won’t rest until we are all dociley farming virtual tracts of land while rubbing out our neighbors in Mafia Wars.

  15. I’ve tried FB. Too hard to keep up with all the crap. How many friends does it take to rate one as normal?

  16. omg. i am so happy i went back to read this one. i just snorted. a bunch of times. this is hilarious and thank you for letting me know that it’s FACEBOOK that’s making me fat. so, i can drink beer and eat chocolate again? ;o) as soon as you are on facebook (because it IS inevitable) i am stalking you.

  17. I have been off facebook for close to a year now and don’t miss it. My mom is constantly trying to make me feel like I should though- with the same “Aunt Pris and Uncle Jim are moving. You would know if you were on Facebook” type of thing. I felt like I had to check in with it on a daily basis and I didn’t like that feeling. I also hated the raging politic discussions. Tell Crash it’s not worth your time!!

  1. Pingback: deACTivate… FACEBOOK ACCOUNT | ACT. REACT. or just THINK about it!

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